JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[cee-dee]

Two posh English women were discussing their holiday plans in a London cafe and Tommy was at the next table.

"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one.

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful."

"Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?"

"Salisbury," she replied.

"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected.

At this point Tommy could no longer hold his tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," he suggested. "There'll be no Irish there!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy's brother had missed the funeral so went walking round the graveyard looking for a headstone with a poem which he'd been told that Tommy's friend, Reilly had written. When he found it he read the inscription:-

Beneath this stone lies Tommy,

They buried him today.

He lived the life of Reilly,

While Reilly was away.

[jd.linklater]

A duck is standing by the roadside waiting to cross when a chicken rushes up to him and says........

"Stop, don't do it! Believe me you'll never hear the last of it!"

[jd.linklater]

Went out for an Indian Meal last night.

Had a new dish on the menu Chicken Tarka, it's just like Chicken Tikka but a little otter

[cee-dee]

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.  Tommy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Tommy "Quattro means four.  You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tommy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[cee-dee]

How long did it take you to work this one out?

Tommy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the sales assistant, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"

The assistant looks at him and says, "Are you taking the mick? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the heck is a potato clock?"

So Tommy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"

[john.b74]

.1st Time advice for a girl......
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinking?

[cee-dee]

Finbar has gone to see Tommy to ask for the hand of his daughter in marriage.

'And can you support a family?' asked Tommy.

'I think so,' replied Finbar.

'Well, there's six of us, you know,' said Tommy.

[john.b74]

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. 
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to cut a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" 
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?" 
"Opened a can of peas instead."

[cee-dee]

The Irish lads (Shane, Sean and Tommy), were working on a building site in London. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Sean says, ‘Someone should go and tell his wife.’

Tommy says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Guinness.

Sean says, ‘Where did you get that, Tommy?’

‘Shane’s wife gave it to me’ says Tommy.

Sean continues, ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?’

‘Well not exactly,’ Tommy said. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow”.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’ And then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Guinness you are.”

[john.b74]

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them. 
"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks. 
"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife." 
"Such as?" 
"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy." 
"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?" 
"I'm going back to visit her."

[cee-dee]

Tommy was sitting in Paddy's Irish bar in London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.

'Does your dog bite?' asked Murphy.

'No,' replied Tommy.

So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.

'Hey!' screams Murphy, 'you said your dog didn't bite, Tommy.'

'That's not my dog Murphy,' Tommy replied.

[john.b74]

.

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn’t wanted to sleep with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn’t want to sleep with her husband anymore.

-“For the last seven months,” the wife replies, “every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t make much money, and my husband doesn’t give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, ‘So, are you going to pay today or what?’ I always give him an ‘or what.’ That makes me late to work. I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary, or what?’ That’s another ‘or what.’ On the way home, I take the cab and again I don’t have any money, so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ And, again, I do an ‘or what.’

So you see, doctor, when I get home I’m all tired out and I don’t want sex anymore.”

The doctor thinks for a second. “So,” he says, “are we going to tell your husband or what?”

[john.b74]

The rich and elegant old woman stopped to reverse her Rolls into the only free parking space. But as she was slowly backing in, a young girl in a nifty little sports car came up behind her and nipped into the parking space ahead of her.
-“You’ve got to be young and daring to do that,” said the girl.
The old woman ignored her and continued to reverse into the parking spot, pushing the sports car out of the parking space and down a slope, where it smashed into a wall and burst into flames.
The old woman finished parking, then turned to the dumbfounded girl and said, “And you’ve got to be old and rich to do that.”

[john.b74]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[john.b74]

I went to see the RED ARROWS yesterday.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

[cee-dee]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Tommy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agreed and asks Paddy to take the stand. Tommy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Tommy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Tommy replies. "Hell, I'll say, he broke three of my fingers!"

[john.b74]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

-“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It’s a candle”, he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The Irishman replied, “These are Carol’s…”

[cee-dee]

Paddy and Tommy were walking down the road when Paddy noticed a mirror on the ground.

Paddy picked it up and looked into the mirror.

"I know this guy" he said.

Tommy took the mirror off him and looked at into the mirror and said "OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHO IT IS. ITS ME YOU IDIOT!"

[john.b74]

Saw my mate sat at the bar looking really miserable. "What's up Dave?" I asked
"My budgie is dying" he answered,
"Oh dear, what's wrong with it then?"
"It's got this big growth on its head"
"Oh, is that all?" I replied, "that's just bone, you can take a metal file and gently file it away, he'll be fine"
"Really?" Dave asked "That's great news! Let me buy you drink"
Next day, there's Dave even more unhappy looking than before.
"What's up mate" I ask
"My budgie died last night" he replied
" Don't tell me you actually tried to file a lump of his head with a metal file!" I laughed
"No" he answered "Didn't get that far, poor little thing died in the vice !"