JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterward, as they lie in bed, the phone rings.

Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

-“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

-“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy needed an operation but the doctor said he had to lose some weight first.

He handed Tommy a diet sheet and told him to stick to it rigidly for the next three months.

Tommy looked at it carefully then said :-

"Doc, do I eat the diet before or after my meals?"

[john.b74]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."

[john.b74]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work, so he approached his assistant!
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic so I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!'
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes and sent her to Spec Savers.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. Tommy replied in a croaky voice, "I've no health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. Tommy replied, "I've no money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

Tommy replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

Tommy replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

[john.b74]

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

-“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man says.

-“Aw, dad, it’s okay,” the son replies. “The police car behind us just did the same thing too!”

[cee-dee]

A little old lady got on a bus, and sat down behind Tommy, the bus driver.

After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.

"Sure!" Tommy said, and popped a handful in his mouth, "Thank you.".

After eating several more, Tommy asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"

"Nope," the old lady replied, "I ain't got no teeth! I just like the chocolate on the outside!"

[john.b74]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[john.b74]

On a beautiful Summer’s day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said: “Dad, why are we here”?

-“That’s a good question, son. I think we’re here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We’re here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We’re here to savor the small triumphs of life – passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team. And we’re here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son”?

-“Not really, Dad”.

-“No”?

-“No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago”?

[john.b74]

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player says, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?”

The dealer replies, “When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?”

-“Yes,” the gambler concedes.

-“Well then, he serves you food; whether it’s good or bad isn’t up to him. By the same token, I’m
serving you cards, so you should tip me.”

-“OK,” says the gambler, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an 8.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy was having a barbeque but his wife bought all the food and took it home. She also made the salad, prepared the vegetables and made the desserts. She prepared the steaks, chicken legs and chops for cooking and took it all out to Tommy on a tray along with all the necessary cooking utensils, tools and sauces.

Tommy was lounging beside the grill, swigging his beer along with his mates, accepted the tray then sent her away so him and his mates could continue with their festivities without his wife or any of the other wives getting in his way.

Tommy laid out the meats on the grill while his wife went in to get plates and cutlery. When she came out again, she told Tommy the cooking looked to be getting on really well. Tommy thanked her and asked for more beer to be brought out while he turned the meat over. When it was done, his wife sorted all the plates and cutlery, served the salad, bread napkins, meats and sauces at the table.

After everyone had eaten, Tommy's wife cleared the table and washed up. Afterwards, she went out to hear everyone praising Tommy on the excellent cooking and when Tommy saw his wife coming outside he asked her how she'd enjoyed her "Night off".

Tommy came to flat on his back wondering what had happened and a guest told him that when he'd mentioned the "night off", his wife had smacked him in the gob with a beer bottle.

Shocked, Tommy said "There's just no pleasing some women".

[john.b74]

A well-dressed businessman was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?”

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

-“Thanks,” said Johnny. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my butt.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. “Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the businessman said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was a quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his butt!”

-“So what’s your hurry?” said the friend. “You still have ten minutes.”

[john.b74]

12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK:
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good
Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that
you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the
"like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I
can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the
hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then
they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and
who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary.
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one...

[john.b74]

12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK:
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good
Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
😎 The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that
you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the
"like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I
can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the
hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then
they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and
who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary.
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one...

[john.b74]

It was the wise custom at the retirement home to pair the old couples, and then send them out for dinner and a movie, or other entertainment. This one night, John who was 84, was paired with Jill who was 86.

A few hours later, Jill returned to the Home and was she angry.

-“What happened that you should be so upset, Jill?” the attendant asked her.

-“Coming back with that silly old man John, I had to slap him three times while we were riding back in the cab.”

-“Oh, that’s terrible…and at his age too. John ought to be ashamed of himself making passes at you.”

-“Passes?” Jill said, “He didn’t make passes. I had to slap him three times to see if he was asleep or dead.”

[john.b74]

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. -“People,” she said, “I’ve just been informed that we’re going to be having a fire sale.” -“A fire sale?” spoke up one agent. “But we sell insurance.” -“I said a fire sale, and I meant it,” she replied hotly. “Anyone who doesn’t make a sale gets fired.”

[cee-dee]

It was raining hard one cold day and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. Old Tommy stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

Flanagan walked by and asked Tommy what he was doing. "Fishin" Tommy replied.

"Poor old fool" thought Flanagan, so he invited the old man to have a drink with him inside the warm pub.

While they were sipping their whisky, Flanagan asked, "And how many have you caught?"

Tommy replied, "You're the eighth."

[cee-dee]

Tommy received a talking parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and a very wide but profane vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  

Tommy tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.  Finally, Tommy was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. Tommy shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. Tommy, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.  Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Tommy quickly opened the door to the freezer. 

The parrot calmly stepped out on to Tommy's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Tommy was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As Tommy was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, and very softly asked,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[john.b74]

You will Laugh - enjoy reading 😉
Five facts about You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You
1. You're so lazy You didn't read all the You's.
2. You didn't notice I put a Yoo.
3. You are now looking to find out.
4. You are laughing because you realise there is no 'Yoo' and you've been tricked.
5. You are going to
forward this to others who are like 'YOU'!😜😜
I know at least 13 things about you now:
1. You are holding your phone
2. You are on facebook
3. You just opened my msg
4. You are now reading it
5. You are human
7. You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips
8. You just attempted to do it
9. You are laughing at yourself
10. You have smiles on your face
11. You skipped No.6
12. You just checked to see if there is a No.6
13. You are laughing at this because I caught you, again.
Hahaha is it true?

[john.b74]

Little Johnny goes up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I have a drinking problem. I need help.”

His mom, of course, freaks out. She yells, “How did this happen?!”

She turns to her husband and says, “This is all your fault! You’re the one that comes home drunk and gives such a bad example to all of our children.”

He yells back, “Oh, I’m the one that does it? I do nothing but give to this family! Your the one that was drinking beer while breastfeeding when I told you not to!”

She yells, “Get out! You are a horrible person and I never want to see you again!”

He grabs his collection of stuff and yells, “Fine! I don’t need you!” and he walks out of the door.

Little Johnny is standing there crying, not knowing what to think of the situation other than he knows his dad is gone.

His mom turns to him and says, “Don’t cry Johnny, it will be fine… Now just tell mommy all about your drinking problem and we will get you some help.”

Little Johnny says, “Well… the problem is, if Amanda drinks 3 quarts of orange juice, and Suzy drinks 2, how much orange juice did they drink?”