I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.
Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.
One says to the other, "What shall we do?"
The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.
He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.
What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"
The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

[tommy.irene]

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

[tommy.irene]

guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk

[tommy.irene]

Insurance Company
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

[tommy.irene]

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

[tommy.irene]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.



The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"



The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."



The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"



The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?" 



The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."



The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" 



The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."



The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"



The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"



The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" 



The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." 

[tommy.irene]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Jack a visiting British sailor had a date with Peggy Sue. 


He arrived at her house and rang the bell.


'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Jack in.


'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink, a beer perhaps?'


'Beer please,' Jack said. Mum brought the beer.


'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight? she asked.


'Oh probably go to a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat or maybe take a walk on the beach...'


'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.


'Really?' Jack replied; eyebrows raised.


'Oh yes,' mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'


'Is that so?' asked Jack, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother, 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'


'Well, thanks for the tip!' Jack said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening!


A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Jack.


'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.


Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.


'The dance is called the Bloody Twist!'

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A doctor is addressing an audience.

"The material that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous and none of realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....but there is one thing we eat that has a long term and disasterous effect on our lives. This one food alone...and most of us have or will eat it sometime in our lives....can cause grief and suffering for years after eating it. Can anyone here tell me what it is?"

After several seconds of silence, an old chap in the front row raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding Cake".

[rddesign333]

I used to be a postie....the fear of big doggies teeth may/may not be a factor!

[tommy.irene]

How to get revenge on negative people.



A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.

"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"

"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.

"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"

"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."

"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"


A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"

"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."

"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"

"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"

The woman replied........

He said 'Where did you get that lousy hairdo??"

[tommy.irene]

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

[tommy.irene]

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.” 

[tommy.irene]

FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a girlfiend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 closest friends...... none of them knew anything about it!


FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a buddy's house. The wife call her husband's 10 closest friends..........

8 of them confirmed that he'd slept at their place...and 2 claimed that he was still there.



.....Yes! You know what I'm talking about don't you lads?

[tommy.irene]

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

[mepixin12]

Loved the Twist joke, keep them coming:-D

[tommy.irene]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?

[tommy.irene]

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

[tommy.irene]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly.

"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick says, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[tommy.irene]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."