I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from
an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.
The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.
"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.
"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.
"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.
A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul.
"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul.

[tommy.irene]

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and they hear a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was empty so I had to strangle her!"

[tommy.irene]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[tommy.irene]

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. The place fell silent and all the other men in the bar looked at him as the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"

"No," replied the man, "I am from London."

"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"

"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.

"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"

"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."

The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"

[tommy.irene]

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." 

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." 

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

[tommy.irene]

Prince Charles slams on his brakes in front of the palace a fraction too late.... sadly one splattered corgi....  
Distraught he stands supporting himself on the stone balustrade by the steps supporting a lantern, going " Oh dear oh dear, however am I going to tell mummy "
Bang !!!!! Out pops a genie...."Your highness, you have realised me from the lantern..your wish is my command"
"Oh am I pleased to see you, please, please, could you possibly bring mummy's corgi back to life?"
"Alas your highness, many things I can do, but bringing dead animals back to life is not one of them.. is there anyhting else I can do for you ?"

Charles scratches his head and ponders, then "Well, there is is yes. Do you think you could possibly make my darling Camilla as beautiful, as popular, as much loved as was Diana?"

The genie scratches his head in return " Do you think we could take another look at the corgi ?

[tommy.irene]

Granny goes to the hairdressers and gets her haircut really short. When she gets home, little johnny, her grandson, says: "granny that's marvelous! You don't look like an old woman anymore!"
"thank you johnny," says granny. "that was a lovely thing to say. What do I look like now?" johnny replies, "like a  old man."

[tommy.irene]

I auditioned for Britain's got talent when it visited Newcastle. But, shockingly, I was turned down.
That's right, my signature 'balancing a mars bar on my head for ten minutes' failed to impress Simon Cowell.
He said, "sorry, but Osama Bin Laden's had a bounty on his head for ten years"

[tommy.irene]

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

[tommy.irene]

A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".

[tommy.irene]

Happy New Year.. 

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Time to close this thread down...