I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Three absent minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the writers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.

A passerby who saw all this came up to the writer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The writer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.

[tommy.irene]

Bloke comes in early from work shouts up the stairs "I'm home"
And hears a clatter from the bed room and his wife's say something so he runs up the stairs and opens the bedroom door there's his wife naked and on the floor 
"what's going on?"
"Well I was getting changed and when I heard you shout and it surprised me so much I think I'm having a heart attack"
This panics him and he runs down the stairs to the phone and while he is phoning 999 his son comes up to him and says 
"Uncle frank is in the wardrobe with no clothes on"
"What?!"
"Uncle frank ran into my wardrobe and he's got nothing on at all dad"
At this the bloke looses his temper slams the phone down and marches upstairs taking them two at a time goes into the kids room and wrenched the wardrobe door off its hinges and there stands his brother completely naked he grabbed him and yanked him out of the wardrobe and shouted at him
"YOU PIG! THE WIFE IS IN THERE HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOUR RUNNING ROUND THE HOUSE FRIGHTENING THE KIDS!"

[tommy.irene]

George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.' 
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. 
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. 
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.' 
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. 
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George. 
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.' 
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

[tommy.irene]

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

[tommy.irene]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. T hey will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[tommy.irene]

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”

[merehazle]

He,s calling tonight.... lock your doors..........Sick to death about your ruddy postman.

Only joking

[merehazle]

Didn't know he had a brother did you? Well he's calling too. They'll shut you up SOMEHOW!!!

That's me with the white hair - I will release him.

Only joking ........SOMETIMES......... 

[tommy.irene]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[tommy.irene]

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" 
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

[tommy.irene]

Man walks into his local bar, Just inside the door, there is a very fat girl dancing on a table,

He watches for a while and as he passes he says :"Fantastic legs",

The girl stops dancing , smiles and says "do you really think so?"

He says "Absolutely, any other table would have collapsed by now!!"

[tommy.irene]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a 
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're 
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be 
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart 
murmur; be careful.' 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled 
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, 
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[tommy.irene]

A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”

[tommy.irene]

Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!
Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

[tommy.irene]

paddy is on his way home when he get set about by 2 lads, after putting up a good fight they get the better of him and empty his pockets only to find a £1,the lads say you put up a good fight 4 only a pound why? paddy says i thought you were after the £500 pounds in my sock.

[tommy.irene]

A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The Asylum seeker says "I'm hungry." (POW) a hug banquet appears! He then says "Now I want a nice house." (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says"I want to be British." (POW) everything vanishes! He asks "Where has everything gone?" the fairy says "You're British now mate, you're Entitled to nothing.

[tommy.irene]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head

and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[tommy.irene]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'

[tommy.irene]

Are you interested in making £ £ £ £ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:
Hold down the shift key.

Hit the number '3' key four times.

[merehazle]

Oh, I would guess £20 notes start to fly out?!

Excuse me but I will let someone else try it first.

And even then if my lap top blows up?   I'll ruddy well sue you.