Book titles - any more ideas?

[onemorewonthurt]

Elf hypnosis by Si Cologist

[littleme61_6]

Reduce Your Food Intake To Lose Weight By Di Etting

[lindum-49]

Why Do We Still Have Bank Holiday's Now That Many Are Being Closed Down? By Mustapha Rest

Back and forth. . . in and out. . .in and out . . .a little to the right. . . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . .and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . . forward then backward. . . again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .finally . . . totally exhausted . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . ."OK, OK, you smug so and so, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

[lindum-49]

The Euro Exchange Rate By Hugh Mustbejoking

.......son off on his first holiday to Spain on his own for a week..........thought I would assist with helping out with some Euro's as the last time I loaded up my FXcard it was at 1.41 to the £..........did I miss something here?

[lindum-49]

If Your Living Life On The Edge You're Taking Up Too Much Room By Hugh Meoryou

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."  The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

[vanjim50]

Finally,The Answer To "What's Brown And Steaming,And Comes Out Of Cows?"by Isla Whiteferry.

I didn't realise i missed the musings of my Surrey chum so much.I will try and post a little more regularly.

Story 1; The wife and daughter had arrived safely in Majorca (i don't fly) and my son was in his final weeks at Uni before the summer break. I am alone at home and wondering what to do with myself. "I know,i'll finish off the bottle of Single Malt i had for Christmas and spend a couple of hours on Ebay"

Skip forward 1 week.I I am sitting with the bride listening to her holiday stories when my phone tells me a message has arrived.

"Congratulations.15 minutes to go and you are the top bidder on a Vauxhall Tigra 2 seater sports car"

WHAAAAAT??? How the hell did that happen? There followed 15 minutes of panic,trying to retract bids and screaming,until "Congratulations ! You are the proud owner of a car i don't remember bidding on.

Long story short,,,picked the car up 2 days later (exactly 1 week after purchasing a Renault Scenic legitimately.We have decided to tax it for a year and enjoy the roof down and the wind running through my bald head.Both of us have difficulty getting into it,but not as much trouble as trying to get out !!.Wife doesn't drive or neither of the kids yet,so i am the only driver.

A cautionary tale with a moral,,,,Ebay and malt whisky..A heady combination !

[vanjim50]

Dieter Of The Month by Slim Pickens

Joined Slimming World with my daughter at the start of August and i have won "SLIMMER OF THE MONTH" losing 11 lbs in the first 4 weeks.Not too difficult if you consider i started at 19 stones 7 lbs.Target weight is15 stones.Smaller plates.stir frys and tasteless salads are the order of the day.Jacket potato and baked beans are excellent but not welcomed by the rest of my family

.

My old mate Eddie used to say:"When i'm healthy,i farts.When i farts,i knows i'm healthy".

Wise words,Eddie.Wise words.

[lindum-49]

Version:1.0 StartHTML:000000233 EndHTML:000275264 StartFragment:000270829 EndFragment:000275148 StartSelection:000270829 EndSelection:000275148 SourceURL:https://mg.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.partner=bt-1&.rand=5sqitpdraoskk(14 unread) - richard.sealy@btinternet.com - BT Yahoo Mail

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.

He immediately shouted "Mickey  Mouse!    Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm soooooo sorry" he said "I meant to shout 

"Donald, duck!"

[lindum-49]

Eat But Don't Swallow By Ned Todothis

..Jimbo that's great....well done my friend........sitting here at 140kg and in awe of your win.......must get the courage to open the books and follow the recipes in the Slimming World books that my wife got some time ago then.

SORRY EVERYBODY ABOUT THAT LAST POST.............SOMETHING WENT WRONG WHEN EDITING.

[lindum-49]

How To Win At A Donkey Derby By Jim Carnar

thoughts for today:

- Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

- What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

- If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 

- Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

[lindum-49]

Insurance - Who Needs It? By Justin Case

......well I'm still here on planet Earth.......

[lindum-49]

Stolen - A Lovely Thought By Lynn Dumm

[lindum-49]

Alone Again Naturally By Billy Knowmates

...hmm......

An interesting observation.

One reality about Europe’s current political leadership is summarised here:

Macron, the newly elected French president, has no children.

German chancellor Angela Merkel has no children.

British prime minister Theresa May has no children.

Italian prime minister Paolo Gentiloni has no children.

Holland’s Mark Rutte, Sweden’s Stefan Löfven, Luxembourg's Xavier Bettel, Scotland’s Nicola Sturgeon all have no children.

Jean-Claude Juncker, president of the European Commission, has no children.

Ironically it would seem that a grossly disproportionate number of the people who make the major decisions about Europe’s future have no direct personal stake in that future.

....just a thought for Christmas to ponder over the mince pies.

Have yourselves a very Merry Christmas Authors.........Ho Ho Ho!

[lindum-49]

Seasonal Caution By Luke Outt

[lindum-49]

Happy Birthday Authors By Connie Gratulations

Happy Birthday To Us,

Happy Birthday To Us,

Happy Birthday Dear Authors,

Happy Birthday To Us.............................

we've lasted more years than some marriages......so again to our lady founder - Onemorewonthurt - thanks for starting something on 27 December 2004 at 12.35pm that is still going on.......well creaking on very slowly.........so enjoy your slice of cake washed down with a nice cuppa and we will let someone else do the tidying and washing up today.....Happy Burfenday All and A VERY HAPPY HEALTHY 2018.

[onemorewonthurt]

Ooo Yes! Another Birthday by Annie Versary.

How time flies. Another year older, but probably no wiser! Keep up the good work. Happy New Year!

[lindum-49]

We Have To Stop Meeting Like This By Juan Yearago

...yes onemore......your quest for world domination continues and if you were lucky to get an Ebay mug back then....like wot I was.....we are already well into having another good year..........happy new year, Richard. 

[lindum-49]

Out With The Old And In With The New By Auld Langsyne

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND BEST WISHES FOR 2018 TO YOU ALL!

A wealthy old man goes for his regular round of bowling with his fellows but this time he brings along a beautiful young lady.

“Guys,meet my prospective bride” he says,full of pride as he introduces her to his friends.

For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the charming beauty.

After the round of bowling the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.

One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him,”How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young woman?You’re sixty seven.She must be at least fourty years younger than you!”

The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”

His friend says,”And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”

“I told her I was ninety five.”

[vanjim50]

Pugnaciousness.The Views Of A Truculent Midlander by Bill Idgerant.

Lap top for Christmas,so  more opportunity to rejoin our team.Just taking daughter to station for her return to Bangor Uni for her last 6 months.Took boy back to Leicester De Montford on Saturday.Will spend the next two days getting the house back in shape.Happy days !!!.Are you still fit and well,Richard?

[vanjim50]

10,499 Posts by Albert Thebrave

C'mon,who,s going to be 10,500? Well done team!!

[lindum-49]

Me Sir, Me Sir! By Meg Le'Mania

..............crikey James that was close.........still alive but wounded, back on soon. Cheers....