JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Z - All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An **bleep** Hole is usually in charge:)

[john.b74]

A man is in his front yard when his attractive neighbour comes out of her house and heads to her letterbox.

She opens it, looks inside, slams it shut and storms back inside. A little later, she come back out again, goes to the letterbox, opens it and again slams it shut.

Angrier back into the house she goes. A short time later she come out again.

She marches to the letterbox, opens it and then slams it closed again even harder then ever. Puzzled by her actions the man askes her

"Is there something wrong" she replies "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

[john.b74]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work.

He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.

At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.

It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[m25jet]

A young carer working in a nursing home one day noticed a new resident who had not long moved into the home.  He was just sitting there in an armchair, with a bowl of peanuts next to him on a small table.  He hadn't really said a lot since he had moved into the nursing home, and the young carer felt somewhat sorry for him.  She decided to sit with and talk to him for a while to try and make him feel more relaxed and started talking to him.

After a while, the old man opened up and started to talk.  The carer listened to what he was saying, asking him questions occasionally, and eventually the old man started talking quite a bit, telling the carer about his exploits during the Second World War and all the things that he'd seen and done during his time on active service.

Whilst the old man was talking the young carer started to get a bit hungry.  She looked over at the bowl of peanuts and thought to herself "There are enough peanuts in that bowl.  I'm sure Alfred won't notice if I only ate a small handful."

And with that the carer helped herself to some of the nuts, whilst old Alfred continued chatting with her.  However, she was quite hungry, and she kept on taking more and more peanuts, the end result being that she eventually ended up emptying the entire bowl of peanuts.

Once the young carer had realised that she'd emptied the bowl she felt a bit awkward, and quickly tried to think of an excuse to get away.  She looked at her watch and said "Oh crikey, Alfred.  I've spent so long speaking to you today that I've gone right through my lunch break.  I'd better be getting back to work or I'll get into trouble with my Supervisor."

"That's fine, dear" relied Alfred, who at that point happened to look at the bowl of peanuts and noticed that they were all gone.  The young carer also realised that Alfred had noticed the empty bowl and said, quite sheepishly, "I'm sorry Alfred, but I was getting quite hungry during our chat.  I've ended up eating all of your peanuts."

And with that Alfred just smiled at the young carer and replied "Oh, don't worry about that, young lady.  Ever since I got these false teeth all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them..."

[john.b74]

VIRUS WARNING
This virus warning is genuine.

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your **bleep**... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

[john.b74]

A farmer had a bull that wasn`t performing very well so he called the vet. The vet shoved a large tablet down the bull`s throat and about an hour later the bull was humping all the cows in the field.. The farmer was amazed .. he said I have a date tonight and do you think it would work for me? The vet said well these pills are very strong but if I chip a small bit off this pill and you take it about an hour before your date that should be alright.... The next morning the vet saw the farmer with his arm in a sling... what happened he asked .. The farmer replied …. She didn`t turn up.

[john.b74]

ohn Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door to the pub opened, and two other men people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

[cee-dee]

Tommy owned a scrapyard but because he liked to be a bit "upmarket" he called himself a "spares re-claimer".

One day a chap came in and asked if he'd got a drivers door for a Fiesta.

"Sure" Tommy replied "It's fifty quid."

"Fifty quid" the chap exclaimed "The ones at the scrapyard down the road are only twenty quid."

"Well  get one from there then" Tommy angrily replied.

"Oh, they haven't got any" the chap answered.

Ever the one for the smart remark, Tommy replied "When I haven't got any, mine are twenty quid too."

[m25jet]

An old man who ran his own company and was about to retire had taken his only son into work one day, who had just qualified with the necessary management diplomas to successfully run the business at a senior level.  On arriving at the building the young man's father said, "Follow me, son.  There's something that I need to teach you if you're serious about takiing on this business once I retire."

And with that the old man walked into the building and walked right up the stairs until he got to a very narrow passage that led to a door which led out onto the roof of the building.  The old man led his son to the edge of the roof and said "Right, son.  Today you're going to learn the most important thing that you'll ever need to know in this business."

"And what's that?" replied his son.

"In order to find out you need to jump off of the roof" replied the young man's father.

"Are you serious?" replied his son. "It's a twenty foot drop!"

"Son, you do want to take over the family business when I retire, don't you?" said the old man.

"Yes, of course I do" replied his son.

"And you trust me?" asked the old man.

"Of course I do" replied the old man's son. "You're my father."

"Right" said the old man.  "Then do as I say - jump!"

And with that his son jumped off of the roof, only to crash painfully to the ground twenty feet below.  His father rushed down the stairs and out into the car park, where his son was lying on the ground, bruised, battered and winded.

"Son, can you hear me?"  asked the old man.  "Are you OK?"

"Get an ambulance" moaned the old man's son.  "I can't get up."

"Well, there you go, son" replied the old man.  "You've just learned the first lesson in the business - never trust anybody!"

[john.b74]

The old gentleman handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £50".

The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than £250, please use the ATM.”

The old gentleman quietly asked why that was.

The teller returned his bank card and irritably told him, “That's the rules. Now if there's nothing else, please leave as there's a queue behind you.”

The old gentleman remained silent for a few seconds, handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please close my account and withdraw all my money.”

The teller checked the account, gasped and said “My apologies, Sir, the bank doesn't hold £25 million in cash."

The old gentleman then asked how much he could withdraw immediately, to be informed, "Any amount up to £250,000."

"Well, please let me have £250,000 now."

The teller handed it over respectfully.

The old gentleman put £50 in his wallet and asked the teller to deposit the balance of £249,950 back into his account.

Don't be difficult with veterans, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

[m25jet]

A man was suffering with premature ejaculation so he went to see his doctor about the problem.  The doctor told him "When you feel as though you are about to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

After the consultation the man went and bought himself a handgun and returned home to his wife.  That evening the two of them were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.  The husband suddenly felt as though he was going to ejaculate, so he pulled out the handgun and fired it.

The following day the man went back to his doctor, who asked him how things had gone.  "Not well, doc" replied the man.  "When I fired the handgun I'd bought my wife shat on my face, bit 3" off of my pe*bleep**is and my next-door neighbour jumped out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air!"

[john.b74]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[john.b74]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop **bleep**ing. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[m25jet]

One day a ship was sailing through the ocean when an almighty storm whipped up.  The storm lashed the ship mercilessly, and as a result of the relentless battering she received she started to break up and sank to the bottom of the ocean.  All but one of the people aboard the ship lost their lives as a result, but the sole survivor managed to grab a lifebelt and eventually washed up on a deserted island.

Having been stranded on the island for about a month, hoping to be rescued by a passing ship, the guy who had survived the sinking was walking along the beach one day when suddenly he tripped over something that had been obscured by the sand.  Suddenly something shiny caught his eye.  The man scraped away at the sand and found a shiny lamp beneath the sand.  It looked a bit dirty in places, so the guy decided to try and buff it up a bit.  As he did so, a mysterious figure appeared before him.

"Who are you?" asked the guy, rather surprised at the figure's sudden appearance.

"I am the genie of the lamp" replied the mysterious looking figure.  "For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes."

"Wow, that's great!" said the guy.  "Thanks very much!"

"There is a condition to the wishes that I grant you" replied the genie.  "Whatever you wish for, your wife will get twice as much as you do."

This last comment annoyed the guy no end, as he had been going through an acrimonious divorce before the ship set off.  Thinking carefully about what he wanted to wish for, he replied "First of all, I'd like a decent sized speedboat that could get me off of this island, filled with enough fuel to get me back to my home country so that I can get home again."

"Consider it done" said the genie, and with that a state of the art, top of the range speedboat appeared just off of the island, anchored a short swim away.  "Your wife now has two of these speedboats, as per the condition of the wishes I granted you.  What would you like for your second wish?"

The man thought for a moment, then replied "I'd like a large mansion with a huge driveway and six exotic cars to choose from whenever I decide to go for a drive somewhere."

"Consider it done" said the genie.  "Your second wish has just been granted, but your wife has now got double the amount that you wished for.  Now, what would you like for your third and final wish?"

The man thought carefully about it for a moment, and remembering that his wife had a very weak heart and was in extremely poor health, replied, "For my third and final wish I want you to scare me half to death."

[john.b74]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside him. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?” “Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, * * * * * * * * * * “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope……… just when it’s raining”.

[john.b74]

...

I was in the bar when I chatted to a midget...

I asked, "You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine"...?

She said smiling, "Looking for a good time, are you"...?

I replied, "No I've lost my key and you're the only person that could fit through my cat flap"...

.

[john.b74]

I just want you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook, the ride has been a blast and I've made many friends who I do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humour and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of you, but I've decided I need to spend more time with the family. So see you all after my DINNER...!!..

[john.b74]

One day a man saw a magic beanstalk, so he decided to climb it. As he went up, he saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
Without thinking,he carried on climbing. The next woman he saw wasn't bad. he thought, he would do her, but wouldn't brag about it.
She too beckoned to him saying, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
So again, he carried on climbing. The next woman he saw was beautiful, really really hot.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
He could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
He was so outraged, he said, "Who the hell are you?"
The old man replied, "I'm Cess."

[m25jet]

Is eBay's search bar male or female?

Female, because it won't even let you finish a sentence before it starts making suggestions...

[john.b74]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me
Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the e now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.