I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop **bleep**ing. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"