.
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's busin
ess. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their sice.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... And left it there all night.
(You gotta love guys like Frank!)
Dearest Dad,
I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in
love with a man who is far away from me.
As you know, I'm in Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating
website, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp. He
proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship
through Viber.
My beloved Dad, I'd like your blessing, good wishes, and a really big
wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your daughter,
Lilly
THE RESPONSE
My Dear Lilly,
Like wow! Cool!
I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your
kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with your new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love,
Your Dad
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE
SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY
IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND
LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND
SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND
STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER
TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY
WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-
SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED
AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT
AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE
TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST
DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT
OLD WOMEN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN
BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD
WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER
LICKED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD
AND SAID, "NO MAM.....BUT......I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper - so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
.
WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..
