JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription!

[m25jet]

One day a group of wales were swimming around in the ocean when a warning came to the group to scatter.  One of the whales had just been harpooned by a whaling ship.  The other whales all broke formation to confuse the harpooners as to which direction to aim in and dived deep to the depths of the ocean, well out of range of the whaling ship.

About an hour later, when the group had regathered and counted their losses, the head whale said "Look, I'm getting rapidly sick of this situation, what with all those bloody whaling ships constantly coming out here and decimating our numbers.  I think it's time we took action to put a stop to it once and for all."

"And what do you propose that we do?" asked one of the other whales.

"What I would suggest" said the head whale "would be that as soon as the next whaling ship is sighted the whale who spots the ship raises the alarm, at which point we all converge, dive beneath the ship and then let out a sharp burst from our blowholes and capsize the ship.  If the ship sinks then that should make the whalers think about coming back and trying it again."

A big cheer comes from the group of whales, all enthusiatic to try out the plan.  Suddenly another whale raises a fin to get the head whale's attention.

"Yes, Diana?" says the head whale.  "You have a question?"

"No, I have a suggestion" replies Diana.  "Once we've capsized the ship why don't we go around and eat as many of those damned whalers as we can?  That ought to teach them a lesson - particularly if there's a large number of casualties."

And with that one of the other whales cries out "My God, no!  I don't mind doing the odd blow job but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

[john.b74]

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Monday!!..

[m25jet]

A pub landlord is busy clearing up his pub after chucking-out time, as the customers have managed to make one hell of a mess whilst they were in the pub.  Shortly after locking up he hears a knock at the door.  He stops what he's doing and opens the door, only to see a tramp standing on the doorstep.

"What do you want?" said the landlord.  "The pub closed five minutes ago - there'll be no more drinks served here tonight."

"Can I have a toothpick please?" replied the tramp.

The landlord thinks it's a bit of a strange request, but he gets a toothpick anyway and gives it to the tramp, who thanks him for the toothpick and then shuffles away.

The landlord then closes the door and goes back inside to carry on cleaning up, but just five minutes later there's another knock at the door.  When he opens the door there are two tramps standing there.

"Good evening" says the first tramp. "Could I have a toothpick please?"

"And one for me as well, please" chimes in the second, not wanting to be forgotten.

The barman gets two more toothpicks, gives one to each tramp, then closes the door and gets back to cleaning up.  He's only been cleaning up for another five minutes when there's a knock at the door again.  The landlord opens the door to see yet another tramp on his doorstep.

"Don't tell me" says the landlord.  "You want a toothpick, right?"

"No" says the tramp.  "Could I just have a straw please?"

The landlord gets the tramp a straw and gives it to him, but just before the tramp goes to leave the landlord says to him "You're the fourth tramp I've spoken to since chucking-out time this evening, but the other three tramps I spoke to all asked for toothpicks.  Why did you ask for a straw?"

And with that the tramp replies "Well, some drunken idiot was sick outside your pub a quarter of an hour ago, but the best bits have all gone now..."

[john.b74]

Actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

* A speed limit sign: "Smile, You're on Radar!"

* Seen in a State Park: (A large sign with a rock hanging on a rope) "Weather Station: Check the rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

* Notice in a field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

* Sign seen in a small restaurant: "Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law."

[john.b74]

A panda and a black bear walk into a restaurant. They order their meal. When they are done, the panda gets up and shoots the waiter. He then walks out of the place. Out on the street, the black bear asks, "What did you do that for?" The panda replies, "That's my nature. I eat chutes and leaves."

[m25jet]

A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and orders a meal.  The waitress brings him a plate of noodles as a starter whilst the main is being prepared, but within less than a minute the customer looks up and calls out to the waitress "Oi!  Do you seriously expect me to eat this stuff?"

The waitress comes back again and says  "Is there a problem, sir?"

"Too bloody right there is!" snaps the customer.  "What the hell is this hair doing in my noodles?"  And with that he pulls out a long, black hair.

"I'm very sorry, sir." says the waitress.  "Please allow me to bring you a new dish to replace that one."

"No, you can stuff it." replies the customer.  "And if you think you're going to get paid for anything I ordered here, then you can think again!"

And with that the customer storms out of the restaurant, followed by the waitress, who is eager to try to get him to pay up.  Just as the waitress gets to the front door she sees the customer disappearing into a buliding on the opposite side of the street, which is well known as a brothel.  She quickly hurries across the road, gets to the front door of the brothel and slips behind the madam without being seen, just in time to see the man close the door to one of the rooms on the first floor.  The waitress stalks up the stairs carefully so that she doesn't get caught and slung out of the building.  When she gets to the top of the stairs she heads for the room that the customer disappeared into and flings open the door, only to find the customer face down in the w**bleep**'s muff.

"You bloody ar**bleep**le!"  she shriekes at the customer.  "You went and made a big commotion in my restaurant because there was a hair in your noodles, and now look at you!"

And with that the customer looks up from what he's been doing, looks the waitress straight in the eye, and replies firmly, "Yes, I know, and if I fiind a noodle down here then this young lady won't be getting paid either!"

[john.b74]

..

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

[john.b74]

A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?”She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.”The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.”The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.” Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?”And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a Thing."

[john.b74]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.'The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy....
'How long before I can get a haircut?'The barber looked around at the shop and said,
'About 3 hours.'The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half .The guy left.The barber turned to his friend and said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.
'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!'

[m25jet]

A teacher is teaching a class of around thirty children, and during their Religious Education lesson she says "Right, you've heard me teaching you about Jesus, so I want to hear you tell me what you think.  I'm going to ask some questions, so if you want to give me an answer, just put your hand up."

With that the teacher asks some questions, and the kids do quite well.  Towards the end of the lesson she says, "Right, this is going to have to be the last question for this lesson because we're almost out of time.  Where do you think Jesus is, and why?"

A lot of hands go up and the teacher points to one of the kids in the class and says "OK, Sally, let's hear your answer."

"Jesus is in your heart, Miss" replies Sally.

"And why do you think that?" asked the teacher.

"Well, Miss, you told us that Jesus is all about love, and love comes from the heart, so Jesus is in your heart."

"OK Sally, that's a good answer" says the teacher.  "Let's try somebody else now.  James - can we hear your answer?"

"I think Jesus is in your mind, Miss" says James.

"Oh?" said the teacher.  "And what makes you say that?"

"Well, Miss" said James "If you believe in Jesus then you've obviously made your mind up that Jesus exists, so Jesus is really just in your mind."

"OK" says the teacher.  "Thank you, James.  We've just got time for one more answer."

The teacher selects one more kid and says "Johnny - what about you?  Where do you think Jesus is?"

"Jesus is in the toilet,  Miss" replies Johnny.

The teacher looks at Johnny quizzically and says "You think Jesus is in the toilet?  What makes you think that?"

And with that Johnny replies "Well, Miss, when I was getting ready for school this morning Daddy was banging his fists on the bathroom door and shouting at the top of his voice 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?' "

[john.b74]

WARNING, PLEASE READ - I don't usually re-post these but... If someone comes to your front door, and asks you to remove your clothes, and dance in your front yard with your arms in the air.. DO NOT do this, it is a scam!! They just want to see you naked. Please copy and post this to your status -- I wish I had received this yesterday.... I feel so stupid now...

[m25jet]

Why can't slappers count to seventy?

Because sixty-nine's a bit of a mouthful.

[john.b74]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you

[john.b74]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send them back to the biscuit makers. Every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send
them to the Tax Office. About once a year they send us a complete prick.'

[m25jet]

A businessman, a car mechanic and a computer engineer were all travelling in a car along a road that runs along the edge of a cliff face.  The driver starts driving down a steep hill, but when he tries the brakes nothing happens.  The car rapidly picks up speed as it descends towards the bottom of the hill, and it looks likely that they'll go right through the crash barrier, over the edge off the cliff and fall to their deaths.  Thinking quickly, the driver runs the car up along the side of the granite cliff, helping the reduce the speed of the car, and as he approaches the corner he applies the handbrake and wrenches the wheel to the right.  The back of the car skids out, but the driver somehow manages to correct the skid, swerves the car around the corner and brings the car to an abrupt halt.  Shaken, but not harmed in any way, all three get out of the car and survey the damage.

"Right" says the businessman.  "I think we need to have a meeting about this so that we can discuss what went wrong and try to come up with a solution to prevent a recurrence of the problem."

"Nah, talking's not gonna solve it" said the mechanic, who happened to be driving the car.  "I've got a boxfull of tools in the boot.  I'm gonna have a look at the entire braking system to see what's gone wrong with it so that I can isolate the fault and correct it."

And with that the computer engineer pipes up "I think you're both wrong!  I think we should push the car right up to the top of the hill and repeat the process to see if it crashes again!"

[john.b74]

.

No "HARD" feelings!!!

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy, so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said, "Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had "revenge".

After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have "more revenge", and they took "revenge again".

After 5 times of "repeated revenge", Tommy was lying spent, and she said, "Lets take revenge again."

Tommy said, "let's forgive them....... I have no more "Hard" feelings!!"

.

[m25jet]

Coronavirus Prediction:

Nine months from now there will be a coronavirus-induced baby boom, and one day in the year 2033 those of us who are still alive shall bear witness to the rise of the Quaranteens.

[john.b74]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

· Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

· Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

· Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

· Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

· Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

· Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

· The first floor has wives that love sex.

· The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

· The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[m25jet]

Why was the blonde secretary sitting at her desk with her hands clasped tightly over her head?

Because she'd just made a suggestion to her boss and he'd replied "Hold that thought."