JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[cee-dee]

Tommy stunned the priest one Sunday by showing up at mass for the first time in years. Afterward, the priest asked Tommy what had made him finally come to mass.

Tommy looked the priest in the eye and said, “Father, I cannot lie to you. I lost me good hat, and I know old Hogan has a hat just like it. I thought I’d leave mass early, and just take along old Hogan’s hat from the hat rack, sort of 'by mistake,' if you know what I mean.”

“But I see you’re still hatless,” said the priest. “What changed your mind, Tommy?”

“Your sermon on the ten commandments, Father,” Tommy replied.

“Ah,” said the priest. “So when you heard the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal,' you decided not to take Hogan’s hat for yourself.”

“Not exactly, Father,” said Tommy. “When you mentioned the one about not committing adultery, I remembered where I left me own hat.”

[john.b74]

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty?
"Simple"grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her?
"Well" he replied " I said I was 87!"

[john.b74]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,

-“Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says,

-“Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard,

-“What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says,

-“Hey you!”

The Monkey looks down and says,

-“Duuuude!…….How much water did you drink?!!”

[cee-dee]

The water bailiff catches Tommy leaving the lake with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the bailiff.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Tommy.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," said Tommy, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the lake once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"

"I can prove it." says Tommy. So they walk back to the reservoir and Tommy dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the buckret.

"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the bailiff. "Where are your fish?"

Tommy (he's not stupid) replied "What fish?"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was brought in to the private hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as groggy Tommy regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Tommy, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," Tommy whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted.

"Just my sister in America" he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you there Tommy. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Tommy. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[john.b74]

.Just been shooting,managed to shoot my first duck..
Scared everyone in the frozen food isle in Tesco...

[john.b74]

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter.......,
FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.
Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!
Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?

[john.b74]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room of the hospital late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

-‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

-‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

-What?’ sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

-‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’

-‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

-‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’

-‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

-‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

[john.b74]

A coach driver is driving with a bus load of old folks down a motorway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[john.b74]

Two men have been ice fishing all day. One has had no luck while the other has pulled out a ton of fish.

-“What’s your secret?” asks the 
unlucky fisherman.

-“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.

-“I’m sorry; what did you say?”

-“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.”

-“I still didn’t understand you.”

The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly,

-“You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”

[john.b74]

TYPES OF PEOPLE ON EBAY
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on ur post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason!
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8)The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary.
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one.
(This one definitely applies to me !

[ianseymoursalvage]

Justice has been served
There's been some thug called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone...

[john.b74]

A young man enters the confessional, sits down and says,

-“Forgive me father for I have sinned.

The priest replies,

-“Yes, my son what is the nature of your sin?”

-“Well, father I had unprotected sex with a girl.”

-“That is very bad my son, what is the girl’s name?”

-“I’m sorry father, I cannot tell you”.

-“You must my son if only to save her immortal soul, now was it Mary Collins or perhaps Janet O’Shaunessy?”

-“My lips are sealed father.” said the young man.

-“Come now my son, you must tell me her name, now was it Katie Killop, June Norman or maybe Annie
Jessop?”

-“I’m sorry father I cannot tell you and that is the end of it”. -said the young man.

-“Well my son, you have committed a grave sin and the punishment is severe”. -said the priest.

-“You are banned from Mass and Holy Communion for 3 months and you must say 5 Hail Mary’s each day”

The young man thanks the priest and leaves. Outside the church, his friend runs up to him and with a worried look on his face he says,

-“Well, what did you get?”

The young man smiles and replies,

-“Three months holiday and five good contacts.”

[john.b74]

A New Zealand walked into an Australian unemployment office, marched straight up to the counter and said,

-“G’day mate, I’m lookin’ for a job.”

The man behind the counter replied,

-“Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his beautiful young daughter. You’ll have to drive her around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.

Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is $200,000 a year.”

The New Zealander said,

-“Nah, you’re kiddin’ me!”

The man behind the counter said

-“Well, you started it!”

[john.b74]

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like.

So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town and headed to the nearest restaurant.

After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin, he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him.

Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

-“Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moment’s pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”

[john.b74]

Jack: “My brother was sick and went to the doctor.”

John: “Is he feeling better now?”

Jack: “No, he has a broken arm.”

John: “How did he break it?”

Jack: “Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window.”

John: “How did he break his arm?”

Jack: “He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Gardai.

Noting Tommys erratic driving, the Gardai immediately breathalysed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident on the opposite side of the road. The Gardai were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters.

Tommy, figuring that the Guardai weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Guardai.

"Are you Mr Tommy Murphy?" they asked?

Tommy nodded his head.

"Were you pulled over in Church Street last night for driving under the influence?"

Again, the Tommy nervously nodded his head. "And what did you do then?" they asked.

Tommy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired.

Tommy told them that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the Gardai.

Tommy answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Guardai squad car.

[john.b74]

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

-“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

-“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

-“Why are you crying?” asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said,

-“I’m here for a urine test.”

[john.b74]

A Irish bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

[john.b74]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

-“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

-“What took you so long to answer?”

-“I was in bed.”

-“What were you doing in bed this late?”

-“Getting a second opinion.”