JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?!”

-“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

-“Well that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.”

-“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we’ll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

-“Who’s that with Jim?” asks the wife.

-“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

She replies, “Ours is prettier.”

[john.b74]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

It is reported to have been listed in the Cornish Guardian.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call 01272-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA The ad was about a Black Dog

[john.b74]

The crime rate is so bad in Liverpool that last week a bank robber was mugged on the way back to his getaway car!
=
Fixing a puncture on my car in liverpool . Kid comes up to me and says if your having the wheels i want the stereo
-.. It was so cold in Liverpool last seek that some scousers were caught with their hands in their own pockets!

[john.b74]

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

-“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”

-“Good. What comes after three.”

-“Four,” answers the boy.

-“What comes after six?”

-“Seven.”

-“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?”

-“A Jack.”

[john.b74]

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said,

-“The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,

-“Do you know where we are?”

-“I think so,” replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!”

[cee-dee]

Ah-ha, hunting eh? Well, I think you should all know about Tommy and the hunter.

A Dublin lawyer went duck hunting in Sligo.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer, Tommy, drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The layyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

Old Tommy replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best lawyers in Ireland and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own."

Old Tommy smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Sligo. We settle small disagreements like this with the Sligo Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Sligo Three-Kick Rule?”

Old Tommy replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily beat the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

Old Tommy slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his hobnailed boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

Old Tommy smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!

[john.b74]

A dying grandma tells her grandchild,

-“I want to leave you my farm.”

That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.”

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm.

-“Where is it?”

-” With her last breath, Grandma whispered, “Facebook…”

[john.b74]

There were two snakes talking. The first one said:

-‘Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they’re dead? Or we are the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?’.

The second Snake says: “Why do you ask?”

The 1st one replies:

-“Well, I just bit my lip!”

[john.b74]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them,

-“You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

[john.b74]

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls. And to this, his mother decides to have a little talk with Johnny about this.

So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door.

-“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”, she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

– “O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt.

-“Now take off my bra”, which he does.

-“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties”.

Johnny finishes removing these too.

His mother then says,

-“Johnny, please don’t wear any of my clothes to school anymore!”

[john.b74]

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.

-“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

-“I am a Torah scholar.” he replies.

-“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

-“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

-“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

-“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

-“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

-“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé.

The conversation precedes like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers,

-“He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I’m God.”

[john.b74]

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question,

-‘Is Washington’s picture still on the dollar bill?’

His Father wrote back,

-‘Of course, it is. Why do you ask?’

Martin answered,

-‘Because it’s been so long since I’ve seen one!’

[john.b74]

Fairy Liquid ads are being updated to reflect modern Britain.
"Mummy why are your hands so soft"
"Cause im only 15 innit,now shut up and eat yer pot noodle before yer dad gets home from school

[john.b74]

Little CD was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked,

-“Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?”

She was a little-taken aback but decided to tell him the truth… “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little CD just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

-“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds!

[john.b74]

A blond guy goes to a local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn’t fully convinced, but the store manager comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and can’t believe his eyes. He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. He puts the glasses back on, and everyone is naked!

He rushes home and is eager to show his new toy to his wife, but he can’t find her. He goes up to the bedroom where he finds his wife and the mailman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they’re still naked.

-“Damn!” he says. “I just paid fifty bucks for these and they’re already broken!”

[john.b74]

An eight-year-old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

-“If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I`ll give you a twenty bucks and a piece of candy.”

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again.

-“How about fifty bucks and five pieces of candy?”

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road, the man pulls over to the side road.

-“OK,” he says, “this is my final offer. I`ll give you a hundred bucks and all the candy you can eat.”

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.

-“Look,” he says to the driver. “You bought the Ford, Dad. You`ll have to live with it!”

[john.b74]

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked,

-“I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?”

-“Oh, not anymore, he doesn’t,” the other replied.

-“What stopped him?”

-“I started talking about my next husband.”

[john.b74]

The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together. As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced,

-“I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble.”

The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.

-“Pleased to meet yer, ma’am,” he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.

[john.b74]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,

-‘’I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,

-‘Who was that?’

-‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

-‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

[cee-dee]

Over the years, Tommy had put on quite a bit of weight and had tried dieting with no success so when his doctor told him he needed to lose a lot of weight Tommy explained about how difficult he found picking meals and foods which would cause some weight loss. His doctor asked him to list his likes and dislikes and at the end of the week the dietician would have formulated a complete menu spanning a fortnight.

At the end of the week Tommy called in to see his doctor who proudly handed over the menus saying "Now Tommy, you can mix and match this diet to suit you and so long as you stick to your diet, you will lose weight".

Tommy looked over the menus which were complete recipes with weights of everything. After reading them all through Tommy asked "If I have this diet, I'll be sure to lose weight?"

"Yes Tommy" the doctor replied "You be sure to stick to that diet and I guarantee you'll lose weight."

"I've just one question now doctor" Tommy said "Do I take my diet before or after meals?"