JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

One evening, two girlfriends went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. They were 45-years-old and started to feel out of place.

However, before they could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached them.

-“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” one gal exclaimed.

With a big smile, the man extended his hand to her friend and said, “Hello. Remember me? You were my third-grade teacher.”

[john.b74]

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”She was right — our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in our day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.
So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then. We walked upstairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks .But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity .But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But, isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart young person…

[cee-dee]

Tommy sent a note to his boss to excuse his absence from work:-

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Tommy's not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, the flippin' awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the flippin' barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the flippin' barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the blinkin' rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Tommy's not at work today.

[john.b74]

Spoiler

Driving past the grounds of a university, a professor saw a student running hard. Snarling at his heels were three huge dogs.

Intent on rescue, the professor braked his Volkswagen to a halt and threw open the door. “Get in!” He commanded, “Get in!”

-“Say, you are the greatest,” the bearded youth grasped. “Most people won’t offer me a lift when they see I have three dogs.”

[john.b74]

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic.

-“When I die, I’ll get it on my way up,” chuckled the old man.

When the old man died, the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there.

-“I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.

[cee-dee]

After being maried for forty years, Tommy's wife asked him to describe her.

After thinking for a while Tommy said "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H" then stopped a moment before continuingh "I, J, K".

"What the heck does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey".

"Oh that's lovely" she replied "But what about I, J, K" she asked.

Tommy replied "I'm Just Kidding".

Tommy's eye is still swollen but it should heal OK in a few weeks.

[cee-dee]

Tommy, Paddy and Murphy were stranded on an island off the coast of Galway. They were panic stricken but a Leprechaun appeared and offered them each a wish.

Paddy asked for the ability to become a strong swimmer. He was transfomed in to an Olympic athlete and swam back to the mainland.

Murphy asked to become an engineer so he was transformed and built a boat and sailed back to the mainland.

Tommy asked to be more intelligent. The Leprechaun transformed him in to a woman so she walked back to the mainland over the bridge.

[john.b74]

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.

Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along, that despite being over 50, I still have a very “with it” attitude.

-“I see we have the same taste,” I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.

-“Yes,” she replied. “I’m getting this for my grandmother for Christmas.”

[john.b74]

A lady called up a pet store and said, “I’d like to order 2,000 cockroaches.”



-“What in the world do you want with 2,000 cockroaches?” asked the astonished clerk.

-“Well,” she replied, “I am moving today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found it.”

[john.b74]

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a violent street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God, there are some evil, thieving street gangers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”

God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Send them down to hell.”



St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling, “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!”

-“Who, the street gangers?”

-“No, the Pearly Gates.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy was a country lad and had never been to Dublin city before and was awstruck looking round the huge department store. He asked a security man how he'd find his way around and was told there were notices everywhere and he was to just do what they said.

 All too soon, he returned, slightly dejected, to the security man.

'Look,' said Tommy, 'I've tried my best. The door marked 'Push' I pushed. The door marked 'Pull' I pulled. But when I got to the big door that said 'Lift', I couldn't get it off the floor!'

[john.b74]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

[john.b74]

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy,

-“Hey, do you see where we are?”

He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets, as much as they could fit.

Then their commanding officer comes over, sees what the men are doing, and shouts,

-“Finally!!! Bout time you boys started listening to me about camouflage!”

[john.b74]

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

[cee-dee]

Tommy and his wife were out in the country and had an argument about which way to go and it ended up with neither speaking.

They passed a field with Cows, Bullocks and Donkeys. Tommy pointed and asked "Relatives of yours?"

His wife replied, "Yes, in-laws."

[cee-dee]

Tommy was waiting at the ATM to draw out some cash and an old lady was really slow. When she'd got her money she was looking at her balance so said to Tommy "I wonder if you'd mind checking my balance please?"

"No problem" said Tommy and shoved her over......

[john.b74]

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

-“Maybe I don’t know what I m talking about,” said the city slicker, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”

-“Time?” said the farmer.

-“What does time matter to a pig?”

[john.b74]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

-“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.

-“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.

-“How’s it work?” the friend asked.

-“Watch,” the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It’s two AM!”

[john.b74]

It was their first date, and she’d shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.

Finally, he came up for air and said, “But enough about me. Let’s talk about you.”

She breathed a sigh of relief.

He went on, “What do you think about me?”

[john.b74]

Police😂 are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date **bleep** drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman
needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awoken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up Massage Parlours in your local area