JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat. He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.

[tommy.irene]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''

[tommy.irene]

The makers of the Jeremy Kyle show come have up with a plan to treble their daily viewing figures. They are going to move it to an afternoon slot when a lot more of their audience will be out of bed.

[tommy.irene]

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

[tommy.irene]

"Why do you never pay full attention to anything I say?" Asked the wife. "I do," I replied, "I'm just trying to think of something to post on Twitter." "Something to Tweet?" She asked. "That would be great!" I replied, "I'll have a bacon sandwich."

[tommy.irene]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?” The mother replies, “I don’t like her."

[tommy.irene]

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. . Man – Can I buy you a drink? Woman – I think I’d rather have the money! . Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday? Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend. . Man – Is this seat empty? Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. . Man – So what do you do for a living? Woman – I’m a female impersonator

[tommy.irene]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[tommy.irene]

A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “George your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!" Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic. While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not George..

[tommy.irene]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[tommy.irene]

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." he stated. "Why, yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?" "He's a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[tommy.irene]

There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone. The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says, "A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!" The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says, "A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!" The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says, "My dad xxxxxx and the house blew up!"

[tommy.irene]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."

[cee-dee]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your coffin and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

Tommy last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

[tommy.irene]

My wife said I wouldn't be able to cope if she left me and to prove it she moved out for a week. She called after three days to see how I was getting on. "I'm fine thanks", I said smugly "it's easy, I just bought a weeks worth of Pot Noodles so I won't go hungry." "I hope you burn your mouth on the boiling water!" She screamed. Boiling water?

[tommy.irene]

A woman with a headache went to her medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Advil She did as the bottle said; take two and keep away from children. Soon her headache went away!

[cee-dee]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, Tommy what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

Tommy said  'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

"She said, GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".

[cee-dee]

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to Tommy, the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine", says Tommy

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says Tommy "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[john.b74]

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works... If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

[cee-dee]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
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There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their perfect vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
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.Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
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Question: Who was the survivor?
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.Answer:
The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
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**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
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.So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
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-By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:
Women NEVER listen ..