JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[cee-dee]

Tommy comes up to the Southern Irish border from the North on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guardai stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Tommy

The guardai says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guardai takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Tommy overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guardai releases Tommy, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto Tommy's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guardai asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Tommy

The guardai does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Tommy and he crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three months. Then one day, Tommy doesn't show up. The guardai meets up with him in a cafe in the South.

"Hey, Tommy," the guardai says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

"Bicycles," says Tommy.

[tommy.irene]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your Exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious To prove they couldn't do it, he dropped His drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!' Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?' Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday ya eejit!'

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

My mate CD just told me that he robbed a shop last night. "What did you get?" I asked. "26 pictures," he smiled, showing me, "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000." I said, "mate, these are from an estate agents."

[tommy.irene]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’ ‘Eight’, the boy replied. The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’ The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.” “Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin. “Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy had reached the age of 76 but suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the priest went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Priest asked, "Tommy, how come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

Tommy looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you Father," he whispered. "When I got to be 70, I expected God to take me any day because I'd got to three score years and ten. But then I got to be 75, then 76 So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was getting on in years and had owned a fruit farm in Armagh for many years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, tennis courts, and lots of fruit  trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening old Tommy decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young ladies skinny-dipping in his pond. He made them aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the ladies shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Old Tommy frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed my pet alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[tommy.irene]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh. The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs. Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. The brunette asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke.

[tommy.irene]

One friend asks another, "When are you getting married to your girlfriend?" He replies, "I would have already if it weren't for her family." His friend asks, "Her family?" He replies, "Her husband and three kids."

[tommy.irene]

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves. Also a 24 hour supply of food and drink, a de-icer, rock salt, torch & spare batteries. In addition they should take a safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit & jump leads.. I looked like a right idiot on the bus this morning!

[tommy.irene]

http://www.newslinq.com/step-dad-stops-funding-wedding-v1/

[tommy.irene]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?" The father says, "I hope you SHOT that sorry excuse for a dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

[tommy.irene]

If this is true, this is interesting! After succumbing to a fever of some sort in 1705, Irish woman Margorie McCall was hastily buried to prevent the spread of whatever had done her in. Margorie was buried with a valuable ring, which her husband had been unable to remove due to swelling. This made her an even better target for body snatchers, who could cash in on both the corpse and the ring. The evening after Margorie was buried, before the soil had even settled, the grave-robbers showed up and started digging. Unable to pry the ring off the finger, they decided to cut the finger off. As soon as blood was drawn, Margorie awoke from her coma, sat straight up and screamed. The fate of the grave-robbers remains unknown. One story says the men dropped dead on the spot, while another claims they fled and never returned to their chosen profession. Margorie climbed out of the hole and made her way back to her home. Her husband John, a doctor, was at home with the children when he heard a knock at the door. He told the children, “If your mother were still alive, I’d swear that was her knock.” When he opened the door to find his wife standing there, dressed in her burial clothes, blood dripping from her finger but very much alive, he dropped dead to the floor. He was buried in the plot Margorie had vacated. Margorie went on to re-marry and have several children. When she did finally die, she was returned to Shankill Cemetery in Lurgan, Ireland, where her gravestone still stands. It bears the inscription “Lived Once, Buried Twice.”

[tommy.irene]

A lady who lives near a railway line needs to have a cupboard assembled in her bedroom. She calls in a carpenter and just as he is about to leave, a train passes by her window and the doors of the cupboard fly open. The carpenter tightens the screws and again a train rolls by and the doors fly open. The carpenter makes some final adjustments but still the doors keep flying open when the train passes. The carpenter says that this is very strange and that he needs to see what happens from the inside of the cupboard. He climbs in and closes the doors. Meantime the lady's husband comes home and finds the carpenter inside the cupboard. When he demands an explanation the carpenter asks: "Would you believe me if I told you that I'm waiting for a train?

[cee-dee]

CD was defending Tommy accused of burglary and tried this creative defence:-

"My client merely inserted his right arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put CD," the judge replied. "You're strong on logic so using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

Tommy grinned.

With CD's assistance, Tommy detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[tommy.irene]

CD.. "I just fell off a 50 ft ladder." Tommy.. "Oh my God, are you okay?" CD.. "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

[tommy.irene]

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the film that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the film. It even seemed to be enjoying the film: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the film, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!" "Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."

[cee-dee]

CD was defending Tommy who was on trial for murder in Antrim. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence’s closing statement CD, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," he said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally CD said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" CD asked "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman said "Oh, we did all look but Tommy didn’t."

[tommy.irene]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night. You gotta love George.

[tommy.irene]

After the Revolution : The far right Tea Party extremists get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".