JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

You Know It's Hot In Australia When! 1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance 2) Hot water comes out of both taps 3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron 4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly 5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car 6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen 7) You develop a fear of metal door handles 😎 You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am 9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked" 10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state 11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs 12) The trees are whistling for dogs 13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark 14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long 15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning 16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal 17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack 18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work. 19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on 20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing 21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke) 22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away. 23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run. 24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You 25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate 26) Share with ya mates so they can laugh too

[cee-dee]

Two blokes were discussing their holiday plans on a London street corner within earshot of Tommy the Irishman.

"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one bloke.

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful."

"Dear me!" said the first bloke. "Well where are you going?"

"Salisbury," he replied.

"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected.

At this point Tommy could no longer hold his tongue. "Why don't ye go t' Hell," he suggested. "There'll be no Irish there!"

[tommy.irene]

One afternoon Paddy and Mick were having a pint at a pub across from a brothel. For the craic, they sat in the front so they could watch the comings and goings across the street. The two lads were shocked when a Presbyterian minister walked into the brothel. "Begod," says Paddy, "that's a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!" A while later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel. "Ah," says Mick, "wouldja lookit that! Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!" More time passed and a Catholic priest walked into the brothel. Both men sat up in their bar stools with concern. Paddy turned to Mick and says in a whisper - "Didja see that, Mick? One of them girls must be on her deathbed!"

[tommy.irene]

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

[tommy.irene]

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[tommy.irene]

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

[tommy.irene]

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[tommy.irene]

Seen a poor old lady fall over today in Liverpool. At least i think she was poor, she only had a tenner in her purse.

[tommy.irene]

A woman was sleeping in her bed when her husband crashing through the front door at 3 am waked her up. He staggered and tried to get up the stairs, " what are you doing" she shouted, the husband replies " I’m trying to get a gallon of beer up the stairs" "leave it down there" she bellowed "I cant" he replied " I’ve drunk it".

[tommy.irene]

In a small town the veterinarian, who was also the chief of police, was awakened by the telephone. “Please hurry!” said the woman’s voice on the other end of the line. “Do you need the police or a vet?” he asked. “Both,” the woman replied. “I’m not able to get my dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it.”

[tommy.irene]

A young boy runs into the police station in Liverpool. "Please come quick! My dad's getting beaten up down the pub!" The duty sergeant grabs his cap and runs over to the pub with the boy, where they see two hefty Scousers beating the **bleep** out of each other. "Which one's your dad?" says the sergeant. "I dunno. That's what they're fighting about."

[tommy.irene]

Three foxes, English, Irish, and Scottish, were playing in the woods when they all got trapped in snares. "Hell" said the English fox, when the hunter comes back he'll kill us, so I'm going to chew my leg off and free myself, I'd rather have 3 legs than die." So he chews his leg off and says to the others, "come on, hurry up and free yourselves" The Scottish fox chews his leg off and hobbles over to wait for the Irish fox. "Oh Hell" says the Irish fox, "I give up", "why?" ask the other two, "you'll be killed", "so what?" says the Irish fox, "I've chewed off three legs and I'm still stuck!!..

[tommy.irene]

Sign in the widow of a Photography Studio: We can Shoot Your Wife and Frame Your Mother-In-Law, If you want. We can Hang Them Too.

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, get a hearing aid!"

[tommy.irene]

The Professor was teaching his students, and asked them "What's the difference between complete and finished"? The students all look amazed, with no answers Well says the Professor "if you marry the right person, your life is complete" However if you marry the wrong person, you life is finished BUT if you sleep with the wrong person and the right person finds out? You are completely finished!

[tommy.irene]

A Politician rang up the "self help" line and said "I'm fed up with my life and am going to kill myself" The operator said "where are you". The politician said "I am on the train track under the bridge" The operator said "please stay on the line"??

[cee-dee]

Tommy was in an upmarket jeweller's shop in Dublin buying an expensive bracelet to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Tommy thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'

The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Tommy retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

[tommy.irene]

Girl friend (whilst having a romantic dinner at a restaurant): "Say something which spurs my heart-beat"
Boy-Friend: "I forgot to bring any money"

[tommy.irene]

Irish Viagra An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'... It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..' It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

[tommy.irene]

The Little Sexy Housewife was Built So Well the TV Repairman couldn't keep His Eyes Off Her. Every time she came in the Room, He'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him & said, "I'm going to make a... well... Unusual Request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a Secret." The Repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of Embarrassing to talk about, but while My Husband is a Kind, Decent Man -- sigh -- He Has a Certain Physical Weakness. A Certain Disability. Now,I'm a Woman and You're a Man..." The Repairman could Hardly Speak, "Yes, yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since You came in the Door..." "Yes, yes!" "Would You Help Me Move the Refrigerator?"