JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

Saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside. "Why did you have to die" he cried. I said "I'm sorry to intrude on your grief, but it was obviously someone very close." "No" he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

[jd.linklater]

I was sitting in the lounge reading the paper yesterday afternoon.

The missus walked in the room and said "Now what did I come in here for?"

I said "I dunno who are you?"

[tommy.irene]

Why I'm divorced Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch.... Naked.

[tommy.irene]

There are rumours Oscar Pistorius might have to wear an electronic tag on his leg while he's on house arrest. *Two months later "Congratulations, Mr Pistorius. The tag says you've not left the wardrobe since your release."

[tommy.irene]

After coming home from work early yesterday, I saw a brand new pair of men's trainers at the bottom of the stairs. I quietly crept back out of the house in total disbelief. The wife did listen when I told her what I wanted for my birthday.

[tommy.irene]

Naomi was becoming frustrated with her husband Thomas frequent demand for sex, she then decided to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the number of times they'll have to make love for the rest of their marriage. While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you." On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accept her proposal when he reads it. Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband Thomas and the note read, "Baby, I didn't realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken an extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page. 1. TUESDAY 2. THURSDAY 3. TODAY 4. TOMORROW Please honey. I love you too, and remember that 'Today' is today and am in the bedroom waiting for you my love."

[tommy.irene]

There was an old woman in front of me at the checkout in Tesco today. She said, "I've dropped my purse and I can't bend down to pick it up." I said, "In that case, you won't mind me moving in front of you, while you keep trying."

[tommy.irene]

It's been announced that Oscar Pistorius is to be released from prison into house arrest next week. Understandably, these has been widespread outcry, with only one person supporting this move. And that's his Cell-mate. Apparently, he's been dying to use their toilet for over a year now.......

[tommy.irene]

On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.” “A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”

[tommy.irene]

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

[tommy.irene]

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on?" they asked. Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, "It's a Buick." "OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" we asked. She said, "I don't know but it's always been there." One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.

[tommy.irene]

I got a job working in a strip club. The manager said, "You'll love it here, it pays quite well..." He winked. "And I'll make sure you're on Barbie every night. Barbie's the best, everyone loves Barbie." "Great! I can't wait," I said as I shook his hand and left with a new found spring in my step. Later that night I returned for my first shift, when I was greeted again by the manager. "Hope you're ready!" he said. "It's going to be a busy one tonight." "Sure am," I replied. "Where's Barbie?" I asked, rubbing my hands together in anticipation. "It's over there," he replied. "Opposite Bar A."

[tommy.irene]

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50! The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

[tommy.irene]

Just took my Grandad to one of those places where you put your feet in the tank of water and the little fish nibble away all the dead skin It cost us £30.00 but it was cheaper than a normal funeral..

[tommy.irene]

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil. “Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life. “What happened?” ask Phil. Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.” “How about you?” “Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

[cee-dee]

Patrick was making breakfast when he dropped a large piece of toast on the floor and it landed buttered side up. Everyone knows if you drop some toast, it always lands buttered side down.

Patrick was excited "It's a miracle, a miracle" and he rushed next door to ask his pal Tommy to come round and see the miracle.

Tommy went in to Patricks kitchen and he excitedly showed Tommy the toast on the floor. "See Tommy, it's  miracle it landed buttered side up, I'll fetch the Priest round and eventually it'll be officially declared a miracle."

Tommy quickly replied, "You fool Patrick, it's no miracle, you obviously buttered the wrong side".

[tommy.irene]

We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”. “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

[tommy.irene]

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[tommy.irene]

I don't agree with the new law on not smoking in a car with under 18's in it. Last week my kids got soaking wet in the rain while I was having a fag in the car. They were literally banging on the windows begging me to let em in, but as I explained to them, it's illegal. Stupid law really.

[tommy.irene]

A woman was wanting to get breast implants. She asked her husband, "Do you think we can afford $5000 to get me some bigger boobs?" The husband replied, "Honey, I have a perfect solution to this problem and it won't cost us a dime. Just take some toilet paper and rub it between your breasts over and over and your boobs will get bigger." "How on Earth will that work?," the wife asked. "I don't know how it works, but it sure did work on your backside after all these years and look how big it has become!"