Saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside. "Why did you have to die" he cried. I said "I'm sorry to intrude on your grief, but it was obviously someone very close." "No" he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

I was sitting in the lounge reading the paper yesterday afternoon.

The missus walked in the room and said "Now what did I come in here for?"

I said "I dunno who are you?"

Why I'm divorced Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch.... Naked.

Patrick was making breakfast when he dropped a large piece of toast on the floor and it landed buttered side up. Everyone knows if you drop some toast, it always lands buttered side down.

 

Patrick was excited "It's a miracle, a miracle" and he rushed next door to ask his pal Tommy to come round and see the miracle.

 

Tommy went in to Patricks kitchen and he excitedly showed Tommy the toast on the floor. "See Tommy, it's  miracle it landed buttered side up, I'll fetch the Priest round and eventually it'll be officially declared a miracle."

 

Tommy quickly replied, "You fool Patrick, it's no miracle, you obviously buttered the wrong side".

We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”. “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”