JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

My wife just said to me, "look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me." I said, "it's a scarf."

[tommy.irene]

Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers . Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. 'What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' **bleep**e out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

[tommy.irene]

Apologies for the long post but I think I've finally figured out what is happening in the Middle East: President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people rebelled and the Rebels (who are good) started winning (Hurrah!). But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic State ( who are definitely bad!) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good.) So the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which was good. By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who want to fight IS ( which is a good thing ) but the Turkish authorities think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they're good and giving them guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is another matter. Getting back to Syria. So President Putin ( who is bad, cos he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium poisoned sushi ) has decided to back Assad (who is still bad) by attacking IS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing? But Putin ( still bad ) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good). Now Iran (who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (still bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria. So a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad. Now the British (obviously good, except some freak called Corbyn who, incidentally wears a corduroy jacket, which is dead give away as that's never good) and the Americans (also good) cannot attack Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good / bad) and now they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS (who are super bad). So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS (but let’s face it, drinking your own wee is better than IS so no real choice there) and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them Good. America (still Good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and that nice mad Ayatollah in Iran (also Good) and so they may be forced to say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join IS (still the only constantly bad group). To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good (Doh!) Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal (mmmm... might have a point) and hence we will be seen as Bad. So now we have America (now bad) and Britain (also bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (Good / bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also Good) and Putin (also, now, unbelievably, Good) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started? I hope that clears all this up for you.

[tommy.irene]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

[cee-dee]

Tommy had just finished reading a new book entitled "You can be THE man in your house"

He stormed out to Willow, his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I'm running this show and my word will be law.

You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it you'll serve me a scrumptious dessert. 

After dinner you're going upstairs with me, and we'll have all sorts of fun I choose. Afterwads, you're going to run me a relaxing bath. You'll wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe. 

Then, you'll masssage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

Willow replied "The bloomin undertaker would be my first guess!"

[mick590_1]

VELCRO!!.......What a rip off

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

[cee-dee]

Tommy went swimming in the Irish Sea but got sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

Tommy is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but Tommy pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me."

Tommy dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"

[tommy.irene]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's really hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[tommy.irene]

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said “Rest in Peace”. The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

[tommy.irene]

I have found myself a new exciting hobby. I go out in my car in the morning to the nearest Road and sit with my window open and a hairdryer pointed out of the window. It's amazing how all the cars slow down!

[tommy.irene]

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

[tommy.irene]

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal : "Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in Wordperfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!" "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!

[cee-dee]

Many versions of that exist but although it's funny, it's a hoax:-

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperfect.asp

[jd.linklater]

Blimey, I knew I'd heard that before but I didn't realise it was nearly 20 years old.

[artful_dodgings]

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@mick590_1 wrote:
VELCRO!!.......What a rip off

---

Sometimes, less is more.

[tommy.irene]

George, the bartender, asks the Hillbilly, who is sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?' Hillbilly answers, 'Ah, I'll have a scotch, please.' George hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be $4.60,' to which the Hillbilly splutters, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' Roger, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to George, the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'You must have a double George was singularly unimpressed, so he says to the Hillbilly, 'OK, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me ever catch you in here again.' The next day, the Hillbilly again, walks into the bar. George glowers and rasps, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! 'The Hillbilly smiles and says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' George looks at the Hillbilly closely and mutters, 'I'm sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. 'The Hillbilly, without missing a beat says, 'Thank you, bartender. Make it a scotch.'

[tommy.irene]

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

[tommy.irene]

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy? “How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan. “Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

[tommy.irene]

Before King Paul goes to war, He locks his wife in room and gives the key to his best friend Fergus. "If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours" He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud behind him. He stops & sees his friend Fergus. "What's wrong ?" Paul asks. Out of breath, Fergus answers, "it's the wrong Key...