JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

[evoman3957]

[tommy.irene]

A doctor is addressing an audience.

"The material that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous and none of realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....but there is one thing we eat that has a long term and disasterous effect on our lives. This one food alone...and most of us have or will eat it sometime in our lives....can cause grief and suffering for years after eating it. Can anyone here tell me what it is?"

After several seconds of silence, an old chap in the front row raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding Cake".

[tommy.irene]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried in pain as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"Christ!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again Mr Jones," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband with the pin, who yelled....

"You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your nose!"

"Amen!" shouted the congregation.

[tommy.irene]

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.

"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

[tommy.irene]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

[tommy.irene]

Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her
take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see
the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his
story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the
same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the
oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the
whole story before you interrupt!

[tommy.irene]

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

[tommy.irene]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It 
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's 
perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

[tommy.irene]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[tommy.irene]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[tommy.irene]

After the doctor gives the patient his diagnosis, the patient says; “Can I have a second opinion?
The doctor says; “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”

[tommy.irene]

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too

[tommy.irene]

How to get revenge on negative people.



A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.

"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"

"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.

"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"

"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."

"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"


A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"

"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."

"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"

"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"

The woman replied........

He said 'Where the hell did you get that lousy hairdo??"

[tommy.irene]

Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What’s so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."

[tommy.irene]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. "Dude! I've got 40 gypsies out here. Can I let them in?'

God says "We're a bit overstocked on gypsies mate and you know how much trouble we get with ones we already have ...... Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most honest, reliable and trustworthy and I will let just those 12 in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "They've gone", he tells God.

"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"

"No!" shouts Peter........ the bloody gates!"

[tommy.irene]

‪BREAKING NEWS

World Cup Refund

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to
Brazil.

He said he just needs them to email him their bank details and pin
numbers to complete the transaction.

[tommy.irene]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly.

"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick says, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[tommy.irene]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.

Mum brought the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the Twist'

[tommy.irene]

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.

While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"