JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

[tommy.irene]

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was **bleep**. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

[tommy.irene]

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”

[tommy.irene]

A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again

[tommy.irene]

Mastercard, Absolutely Priceless ......
CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE .......
Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00. A family member rang MBNA:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply..'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'
MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'
Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'
MBNA: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'
MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone
Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
MBNA: Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'
MBNA:'Could you fax us a death certificate?'
Family Member: 'No problem..' (fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
MBNA:'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
Family Member:‘Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA:'That would help.'
Family Member:' Plot 1049.' HeatonCemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne
MBNA:'But, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[tommy.irene]

A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner – to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species.

While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job – to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his spade, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything.

The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He enquired of the existing residents “what’s the food like here?” One of the zoo’s resident lions said, “Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”

[tommy.irene]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little three-inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.
So, the bartender pours the two shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari, hunting, and you called that native witch doctor a jerk!"

[blackburn_stevie]

Tommy ..... Just a quick reply to your joke  from earlier.

When my old grandma died back in the middle 1980's, My wife and I moved into her house for several weeks while we got set up with our own place. Anyway, we'd been there for a few weeks when we set off for several days holiday driving round the middle to lower end of Cornwall which took us about 2 and a bit weeks . When we  got back home we found a letter there from  Redifusion which was where she had a tv hired from down in Burnley Central area which had been returned by us on the weeks after she has died.. Anyway, I read it and it was along the same sort of lines as your post and the stop went along the same sort of lines right up until I was passing on the info for the new address for her. By this time, I was a bit annoyed at this bloke for being so dumb, so when he asked for her full address I posted it out word for word so he just had to get it writen down correct. We got the name sorted out OK and then it was down to the plot number down at Burnley Crematorium Supervises. Then it got a bit tricky 'cos they hadn't given us a proper number yet we just had a part time number while a new one was being done. So I gave that number to the guy a and he said, "Could you please spell that name out to me.". So I did and it was one of those long lists of names with lots of letters and numbers with BLY CREM in the numbers a few times and then the guy said."Have I got this right?" and read ouut the numbers back to me. He still hadn't got to the point where he had got to the bit where he had got to the biit where this was a  letter to a Crematorium yet but something made him stop at the point this time round. He then got to the bit where he said, "This is a Crematorium?" so I said, "Bingo. It took you long enough to figure it out."

Just thought I'd pass it on so it does happen. 

Cheers,

Steve

[tommy.irene]

Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”
Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.”
“Who is it?”
In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”

[tommy.irene]

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

[tommy.irene]

A man was well inebriated, but he got behind the wheel of his car anyway and began to drive home. Of course, he couldn't exactly drive straight or stay below the speed limit. Two policemen pulled him over and demanded a sobriety test. They asked him to walk a straight line, and he failed. They began to take him with them, but suddenly they received a call on their walkie-talkies, asking them to go to another part of town. They asked the man to be patient while they called someone else to cover for them. But the man grew tired of waiting and, after a few minutes, drove home. He got in bed and said to his wife, who had been waiting for him, "If any policemen come looking for me, tell them I'm not home yet." The wife agreed, somewhat confused and a little embarrassed. No sooner than her husband fell asleep did she hear a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was the two policemen. They asked about her husband, and she replied that he wasn't home. Then they asked to check her garage. Puzzled, she agreed. She opened up the garage for them--and there sat the policemen's squad car, lights still flashing.

[tommy.irene]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. 
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. 
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. 
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. 
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" 
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[tommy.irene]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,

"What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

[tommy.irene]

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your
chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

[tommy.irene]

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!

[tommy.irene]

  Why I'm Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
... 
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday..'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids..... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.

[ukjoh.tzguufvcs]

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

[tommy.irene]

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community.

[tommy.irene]

A drunkard walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her lustfully. Sure enough, she quickly jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her!”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“That’s funny.” He muttered, “You even sound exactly like her!”

[tommy.irene]

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. 
"Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I
go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. 
And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dear; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. 
"I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."