01-09-2012 7:04 PM
23-02-2013 8:59 AM
A woman goes into the pharmacy and asks for a bottle of poison off him ! Why would you want that asked the Pharmacist ? To give to my husband to kill him she harshly replied !! I'm sorry Madam but I can't help you to poison your husband .. At which point the woman tearfully started to rummage through her handbag and then handed the Pharmacist a photograph of her husband having an intimate moment with the Pharmacists wife !!!! To which the Pharmacist announced "Why didn't you say you had a prescription"
23-02-2013 3:55 PM
23-02-2013 3:57 PM
24-02-2013 8:41 AM
After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
25-02-2013 9:11 AM
A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
26-02-2013 7:04 PM
26-02-2013 8:12 PM
HE should NOT have gone to specsavers. :^O
27-02-2013 9:01 AM
The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”
28-02-2013 8:13 AM
The Army has been experimenting for years to come up with a liquid that will eat through anything and they finally did it. It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron,and all kinds of metal, rock and granite. Now if they could only find something to put it in....
01-03-2013 8:19 AM
How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”
02-03-2013 6:59 AM
A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”
03-03-2013 7:47 AM
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
04-03-2013 8:06 AM
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
04-03-2013 11:33 AM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bed room closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is”
Boy ” I have a baseball.”
Man “That’s nice”
Boy “Want to buy it?”
Man “No, thanks”
Boy “My dad’s outside…”
Man “O.K. – How much?”
Boy “$250″
In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy “Dark in here”
Man “ Yes, it is.”
Boy “I have a baseball glove”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
“How much?”
Boy “$750″
Man “Sold!”
A few days later the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go
outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ” $ 1,000″
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…
that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you
to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here”.
The priest says, “Don’t start that again, you’re in my closet now.”
05-03-2013 7:06 AM
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
05-03-2013 7:58 AM
05-03-2013 7:07 PM
06-03-2013 7:51 AM
Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.
07-03-2013 7:36 AM
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”
07-03-2013 7:56 PM
Hi to the 6676 people who looked at this thread..your allowed to post jokes on here ..i wont bite you.. love Tommy..