I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Should wives put the photographs of their missing husbands on beer cans?

**********

When is the safest time for sex?

When your boyfriend's away on business.

**********

Why do men get married?

So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.

[blackburn_stevie]

It's not the song or the vid that goes along with it but there was just that special something that made me watch all the way to the end of the song.

http://www.wimp.com/grandrapids/

[stryver-1]

It's not the song or the vid that goes along with it but there was just that special something that made me watch all the way to the end of the song.

http://www.wimp.com/grandrapids/

Excellent! The Yanks generally do most things bigger and better than the the rest.

The song is a recounting of "The Day the Music Died" — the 1959 plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper (Jiles Perry Richardson, Jr.)—and the aftermath. The song was listed as the No. 5 song on the RIAA project Songs of the Century. "American Pie" is considered Don McLean's magnum opus and his signature song. . .

. . .The song is well known for its cryptic lyrics that have long been the subject of curiosity and speculation. Although McLean dedicated the American Pie album to Buddy Holly, none of the musicians in the plane crash are identified by name in the song itself. When asked what "American Pie" meant, McLean replied, "It means I never have to work again."

Later, he more seriously stated, "You will find many interpretations of my lyrics but none of them by me. . . . Sorry to leave you all on your own like this but long ago I realized that songwriters should make their statements and move on, maintaining a dignified silence."

[tommy.irene]

How are you getting on with your exams?”
“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”

[tommy.irene]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!




This is so priceless and so easy to see happening -customer service,being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and Barclay bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Barclay Bank:

Family Member:'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Barclay: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Barclay: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'


Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Barclay: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Barclay: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about herBeing dead?'

Barclay:'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:


Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Barclay: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges stillapply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Barclay: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Barclay: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Barclay:'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Barclay: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:'Would you like her new billing address?'


Barclay: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Finchley Memorial Cemetery , Great North Road , Finchley, London Plot 
Number1049.'

Barclay: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the flip do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............

[tommy.irene]

Seamus the zookeeper was approached by the head vet regarding a restless female gorilla who was in season. The vet suggested that Seamus get intimate with the gorilla to settle her down, for £500.
After giving this some thought, Seamus agreed - with three conditions.
'Firstly, that, the zoo is completely empty at the time.' 
The vet agreed.
'Secondly, that none of my family or friends ever get to hear about it'
'Of course,' the vet agreed, 'and thirdly?
'That you give me a week to raise the 500 quid!'

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[tommy.irene]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a vets. As she lays her pet on the table, the vet pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the birds chest. After a moment or two, he shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, your pet is dead.

The distressed woman wails, "are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure, the duck is dead." he replies 

"How can you be so sure? " she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing-he might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolls his eyes, turns and leaves the room. He returns with a black Labrador. The ducks owner looks on in amazement as the dog stands on his hind legs & puts his front paws on the table & sniffs the duck from top to bottom. He looks at the vet with sad eyes & shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog & takes it out & returns with a cat. 

The cat jumps on the table sniffs the bird from beak to tail & back, shakes it’s head, jumps down & leaves the room.

The vet looks at the woman & says "I'm sorry, but this duck is most definitely, 100%, certifiably, a dead duck. 

He turns to his computer, hits a few keys, & produces a bill which he gives her. Still in shock, she takes the bill "£450!" she cries. "That much to tell me the duck is dead."

The vet shrugs. "If you'd taken my word for it, it would have been £30. But with the Lab Report & the Cat Scan - it all adds up."

[tommy.irene]

College
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm  not

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk."

[geographically*challenged]

Sorry tommy but you are;)

[merehazle]

Neigther can I ....

😉

[geographically*challenged]

You been drinking too merehazle?

;

[merehazle]

You been drinking too merehazle?

;

Yes Tim, look how I spelt neither ;\.

[tommy.irene]

Paddy sets Murphy up with a blind date , Paddy says " Shes a nice girl , but theres something you should know ... " Shes expecting a baby " The next day Paddy asked Murphy how he got on ? " Alright said Murphy ,.... apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right idiot sitting at the bar in a nappy " !!

[tommy.irene]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[tommy.irene]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says ......................... DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”