I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A man walks into a bar & says "Ouch"

[mr-expresso]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Not to be pedantic tommy...But would Gloria have to be dead first in order to see her ghost?

[tommy.irene]

Not to be pedantic tommy...But would Gloria have to be dead first in order to see her ghost?

Ok lets say it was Jimmy Savile standing at the foot of the bed.

[mr-expresso]

Ok lets say it was Jimmy Savile standing at the foot of the bed.

But if it was JS what would the significance of the Gloria Gaynor song be?

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

[geographically*challenged]

Oldies but

 live on.

Thanx Tommy 🙂

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

[mr-expresso]

 there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"




It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Not sure I agree with the third filter...

I would have thought it would have been useful to know that Diogenes was banging his wife...

So really it falls flat.

[tommy.irene]

Not sure I agree with the third filter...

I would have thought it would have been useful to know that Diogenes was banging his wife...

So really it falls flat.

I will have to find better jokes to keep you happy..

[tommy.irene]

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction! This one's even better ! ......

An Irishman wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said to him,........ "You must answer 2 questions on the Holy Bible.

1st, "Who was born in a stable?",.......... "Red Rum", he answered.>

2nd, What do you think of Damascus?"......... "It kills 99% of all known germs", he replied.



It's the way I tell 'em.....

[mr-expresso]

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction! This one's even better ! ......

An Irishman wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said to him,........ "You must answer 2 questions on the Holy Bible.

1st, "Who was born in a stable?",.......... "Red Rum", he answered.>

2nd, What do you think of Damascus?"......... "It kills 99% of all known germs", he replied.

And what part of ... "I will have to find better jokes..."

are you not sticking to?

[tommy.irene]

If you dont like the jokes go somewere else and read better ones.these are for people who laugh.

[tommy.irene]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

[tommy.irene]

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management

[mr-expresso]

Bit touchy this morning Thomas...... I only pulling your leg...

I thought you were supposed to be all chilled out on your sun shine island...

Obviously not..

[tommy.irene]

Bit touchy this morning Thomas...... I only pulling your leg...

I thought you were supposed to be all chilled out on your sun shine island...

Obviously not..

Irene gets her Cancer results today ..my head is going round like a helecopter