I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money

[mr-expresso]

Just think about it Tommy....

I can't get the Mother in Law to call...:-)

[tommy.irene]

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER!!

"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's

First, some of us survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner-shop and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we'd forgot the brakes.
We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no Personal Computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we'd gone outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go out to work to help Dad make ends meet!
FOOTBALL and CRICKET had try outs and not everyone made The Team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that - getting into the team was based on MERIT!!

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to be KIDS, before the lawyers and the government do-gooders regulated our lives 'for our own good'.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because at your age your eyes are not too good anymore !

[tommy.irene]

Things to make you stop and think

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

[tommy.irene]

The Alter Boy.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

"Four months vacation and five good leads".

[tommy.irene]

Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was
cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering
in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch,
look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it
into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could
take it no longer yelled up, "Why the %@#& are you throwing some of
the nails away?!" "Whoa! Don't yell!" the blonde on the ladder
explained, "If it's pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I
throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it
safely! Duh!"

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her
all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the
reason blonde's get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the
importance of keeping all the nails, "Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house! Duh!"

[tommy.irene]

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Spain.

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timer's Bar - all
drinks 1.00 €

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on
in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis....shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 1.00 € each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 4.00 €, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, 'That's 4.00 €, please..' They pay the 1.00 €, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent 2.00 €.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for 1.00 € each?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own a bar.? Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place.

Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all retired pommies from the caravan park
waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.' __________________

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[tommy.irene]

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You are crazy, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!


Life as a senior citizen is not

getting any easier.

[tommy.irene]

  A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
... The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[electric*mayhem*band]

Busy, aren't we Tommy ? :^O

'I cant get the postman to call'.

I can get mine to call alright, it's delivering the correct mail that seems to be a problem.

[tommy.irene]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[tommy.irene]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

[mr-expresso]

I see with have a urine theme going on....

[tommy.irene]

 
Joined: Mar 2011 Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria.. Posts: 473
Re: Jokes: A little light distraction! A young man is ambling along an older area of the city. Much of it is now in need of regeneration. He sees an old cafe and walks in for a cup of coffee. He gets out his latest book to read and sipps his coffee. The cafe is very small and he's the customer. He's absolutely engrossed in his book and only slightly notices an older couple in their mid 80's enter the cafe. They order tea and sit right next to the young man. They sit quietly for five minutes. Then the old chap leans over to his wife and says "Eeee love do you remember when we started coming to this cafe over 60 years ago?". She smiled and sipped her tea and smiled. He went on "Do you remember the first time we ever made love was at the back of the cafe up against that old fence?". She smiled and sipped her tea. "I tell you what", he said, "let's slip around the back one more time and have a bit more fun". She smiled and sipped her tea.

She put her tea down and they left together.

During this time the young man reading his book couldn't help but hear every word the old guy said. It was such a small cafe and they were sat so close to him. The curiosity got the better of the young man and he followed the old couple to see where they were going. They were heading for a fence area at the back of the cafe which was quite discrete. The old guy began to take his trousers down. He fumbled about for over five minutes but persisted. He then grabbed his wife andleaned in close to her and grabbed the fence at her back.

What the young man then witnessed was beyond his belief. The old guy went about his love-making like a 20 year old. He never stopped for over half an hour. Then both fell to the floor, before staggering to their feet and pulling themselves together.

As they ambled away on foot the young man couldn't help himself and he approached the old man."I'm sorry but I couldn't help wondering how you managed to make love to your wife with so much energy at your age".

"Listen sonny, when we first came here 60 years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified"

[tommy.irene]

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.” Attached Thumbnails  

[tommy.irene]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

[tommy.irene]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

[tommy.irene]