JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[cee-dee]

You're running out of jokes eh? You've posted ALL those before, some several times!

[m25jet]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Keep the tip."

[john.b74]

CAN ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN QUESTIONABLE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON'T TURN OFF.

[john.b74]

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[cee-dee]

The pedal-fire is another one you've posted before? I think you need a new, fresh joke book 

[john.b74]

Tommy Johnston
17 September 2011 at 10:07 ·
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"

[john.b74]

If you have read the jokes before.. Just move on as my memory isnt to good..Ha..ha..

[cee-dee]

Move on? Heck no, we all want to see how far Tommy's memory is deteriorating 

[m25jet]

An old man with a deteriorating memory went to have an assessment one day to determine whether his memory had deteriorated to the point where it would be preferable to have him admitted to a nursing home.  The Consultant who was carrying out the assessment and making the recommendations with regards to the next step in the patient's care pathway said to the old man "Somebody has filled a bathtub full of water.  Next to the bathtub is a spoon, a teacup and a saucepan.  What would be the quickest way to empty the bathtub?"

The old man looked at the Consultant and replied "Why, the saucepan, of course.  The spoon is way too small for the job, a teacup would take ages to use, so therefore it would be quicker to empty the bathtub using the saucepan."

And with that the Consultant said, "Well, actually, the fastest way to empty the bathtub would be to just pull the plug instead.  Now, would you prefer to be housed in a mixed nursing home or a male only nursing home?"

[*guinevere*]

I've never heard  most of these before and will be popping in regularly to be amused. Thanks!

[john.b74]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?

[cee-dee]

You've posted that before too.

I see ebay have been fiddling about again?

[m25jet]

A teacher was teaching a class of young children and during their English lesson she said to the class, "Right, today we're going to look at words that contain two or more syllables, and I want you to give me an example of a word made up of two or more syllables."  After briefly explaining to the class what a syllable was, she asked "Can anybody think of a word that contains two or more syllables?"

A number of hands went up, and the teacher pointed to one pupil and said "Helen, can you please tell me what your word is?", to which Helen replied "Mas-tur-bate."

"Wow, that's a bit of a mouthful" said the teacher, somewhat shocked to hear such an answer from a child so young.

"No, Miss" said Helen.  "You must be thinking of a blow job..."

[john.b74]

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw £10...

The teller told her, "For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM"...

The old lady wanted to know why...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, "These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you"...

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money
I have"...

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £30,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow...?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately...

The teller told her any amount up to £3000...

"Well, please let me have £3000 now", she said, The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her...

The old lady put £10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.
the moral of this tale...

Moral of the story...
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills...

[john.b74]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized ?
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my **bleep** ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy's doctor was conducting an annual video check up and after asking about his weight was most concerned that during lockdown Tommy's weight had balooned yet again.

He stressed the need for Tommy to go on a strict diet and warned of the consequences if Tommy's weight wasn't drastically reduced and after Tommy agreeing to follow his instructions for the next three months he emailed a diet sheet for Tommy to follow.

After looking it over Tommy was quite happy with it so the doctor said he'd call Tommy back in three months time to see how the weight reduction was going.

After parting pleasantries were over, Tommy suddenly had a thought "Oh, before you go doctor, should I eat my diet before or after meals?"

The doctor fell of his chair taking his laptop with him......

[john.b74]

WHERE CAN cee-dee SHOP NOW?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I should complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

[cee-dee]

Tommy was getting on a bit and the kids had moved to America. Christmas was coming and neither of the kids came home to Kerry for Christmas like they used to. Now Tommy was a crafty old rascal and he called his son in New York right before Christmas and says,

"Son, I 'm sorry, but I have to tell you that after 45 years of misery, your mother and I are busting up. "

"Da, what are you talking about?" the son yells in disbelief.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," Tommy says says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're leaving each other!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Kerry immediately and screams at her father, "You are not splitting up. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

Old Tommy hangs up his phone and turns to Irene. "Well then," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and they're paying their own way this time!"

[cee-dee]

Tommy was a loyal husband, married for 30 years and he woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless.

He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Tommy asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son said, "Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs."

Confused, Tommy asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man"

[john.b74]

Morning 🌞
Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."

She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took the measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed and said - Dum Lady , We needed the height and she gave us the length!

Both the engineers are from online classes.