JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.” The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad cee-dee is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door!!.

[cee-dee]

 Paddy went round to Tommy’s house and found him in the living room just staring at a pile of wooden doors, shelves, brackets and screws.

"What’s up, Tommy?" asked Paddy.

"Oh it’s this self-assembly furniture I’ve just bought. It‘s rubbish," moaned Tommy.
"I’ve been watching it for three hours now and it still hasn’t done a thing. If I have to wait any longer, I’m going to have to do it myself."

[cee-dee]

Paddy from Kerry , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant,  "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.  Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Paddy. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow   b) Thrush,   c) Magpie,     d) Cuckoo?  

 
"I haven't got a clue." said Paddy, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Tommy back home in Kerry .."

Paddy called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Hell, Paddy!" cried Tommy.  "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

 "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Paddy hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!  Paddy, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Paddy invited Tommy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Tommy?  How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" 

"Because he lives in a clock!"  Tommy answered.

[cee-dee]

Murphy gets a phone call from Tommy.

"Murphy," says Tommy, "I've got a problem"

"What's the matter?" replies Murphy.

"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Murphy

"It's of a tiger," Tommy replies.

Murphy says, "Alroight, Tommy, Oi'll come over and have a look."

He gets to Tommy's house and Tommy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Murphy"

He leads Murphy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Murphy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Tommy and says,

"For God's sake Tommy, put the Frosties back in the packet."

[cee-dee]

Doncha hate spelling mistakes you only notice juuuuuust as you click "Post"?

[john.b74]

An Irish Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition ...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lough to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink ...

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lough, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety ...

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother ...

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lough like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lough is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya eejit!"

[john.b74]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Darn thing must be an hour fast.
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.
God looks at them and says
"Before granting you a place at my side I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in."
God asks Obama first:
"What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the
eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in
staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of
life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched
eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat"
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, “I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear.”
The second nurse said, “Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.”
The third nurse fainted.
A: Knock, Knock
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Car go Beep Beep!
Ejection seats in helicopters.
Blonde Invention
Q: What invention did a blonde come up with that didn't pass the patent board?
A: Ejection seats in helicopters.
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied, “A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”
-“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” he asked the second man.
-“Hmm….let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
-“Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche for speed.” As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
-“Well, out at my Dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
-“After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”
-“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

[cee-dee]

Tommy had tried to take a short-cut over a peat bog but didn't realise the middle was a floating bog and he sank in it. He was screaming for help and his good friend Paddy from the next farm finally heard him and went over on his quad bike.

"Well Tommy" Paddy said "that's a fine mess you've got yourself in. I'll throw you this rope and I'll soon have you out."

Paddy threw the rope and Tommy tied it round his waist. Paddy fired up the quad bike and tried pulling Tommy out but couldn't shift him and the wheels of the quad bike just dug in.

"It's no use Tommy, I'll have to go back to the farm and get the tractor, can you hang on and stay afloat?"

Tommy replied "I dunno Paddy but d'you think it'd help if I took me feet out of the stirrups?"

[john.b74]

BMW...
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew – that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either – they’re £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

[*guinevere*]

Haha, the same applies to Audis didn't you know? 

Love  it! 😄

[m25jet]

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade, but before departing he heard rumours that his wife may have been unfaithful.  He therefore called upon his mighty wizard Merlin to devise a chastity belt for Guinevere.  Merlin subsequently produced a chastity belt for Guinevere to wear and proceeded to demonstrate to King Arthur how it would work.  Taking a candle from a nearby table, he inserted the candle into the hole in the centre and a razor sharp guillotine chopped the candle clean in two.

"Excellent, Merlin!" replied King Arthur.  Feeling satisfied with Merlin's efforts to ensure that Guinevere would remain completely celibate during his absence he set off on his long crusade.

Upon his return King Arthur called all of his knights to the Round Table and had every single one of them strip naked from the waist down.  One by one, King Arthur inspected each of his knights, absolutely horrified to find that every single one of them was now nothing more than a eunuch.  Gawain, Percival, Tristan - all of them just had stubs now where their manhood should have been.

That is, until he came to Galahad.  Seeing that Galahad's manhood was intact, and with tears of gratitude in his eyes, King Arthur exclaimed, "Ah, Galahad!  You are the one and only true knght!  Let it be known that you are the heir to my entire kingdom, to Excalibur, and to all that I have!  Now, tell me, Galahad, how were you able to resist temptation where all else have failed?

Clearing his throat, Galahad replied "Well, ith wath't eathy..."

[cee-dee]

Irene awoke during the night to find that Tommy was not in their bed. She put on her dressing gown and went downstairs to look for him.

She found Tommy sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 15?" Tommy asked solemnly.

Irene is touched to tears thinking that Tommy is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

Tommy paused, the words are not coming easily. "Do you remember what we were up to when your father caught us in the back seat of my car."

"Yes, I remember" said Irene, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

Tommy continued... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will get you sent to jail for 10 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

Tommy wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have got out today."

[cee-dee]

Tommy called home to his wife and said, "Irene, I have been asked to go fishing on Lough Leane with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I'll stop by the house to pick them up. Oh, and, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

Irene thinks this all sounds a bit suspicious but being a good wife she did exactly what Tommy asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. Irene welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

Tommy replied, "Yes! Lot's of trout, some salmon, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"

Irene replied "I did Tommy, they're in your tackle box."

[cee-dee]

Tommy was no fool, he soon qualified to be a doctor.

One day a gorgeous young redhead goes into Tommy's surgery and said that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" said Tommy. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams,  likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

Tommy said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she replied, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," Tommy said. "Your finger is broken."

[john.b74]

Two guys in the gym changing rooms, one is putting on lace knickers...

First guy says, "Since when do you wear womens pants"...?

Second guy replies, "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment"...

[john.b74]

I have never had to write anything like this before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my pool table so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind the table that I noticed the cloth was ripped does anyone know of any place that repairs pool tables if so could you let me know it would be much appreciated, thanks

[john.b74]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[john.b74]

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
... night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

[cee-dee]

Tommy, not long qualified had recently got a new job at the local GP surgery.

Mrs. O'Sullivan went to the doctor's where she was seen by Tommy. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the room where Tommy was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Sullivan is 72 years old, she has seven grown up children and ten grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

Tommy continued to type on his computer and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[cee-dee]

An Irishman died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone in the universe has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's St. Patrick's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Daniel O'Connell's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tommy Johnson's clock?" asked the man.

"Tommy's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."