JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son" the father replied, drooling. “We’ll take her home and eat you mother!"

[john.b74]

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

[john.b74]

BRANSON OFFERED BAILOUT!....

Sir Richard Branson has warned that airline Virgin Atlantic needs government support to survive.

In response the Treasury have offered him back ‘every single penny that he has paid in UK tax for the past 14 years.’

Chancellor Rishi Sunak described it as an ‘unprecedented offer’ but said that he cannot extend it to others as ‘to do so would cost the government money they can ill afford’.

Asked how much the offer to Branson would cost the UK taxpayer, Mr Sunak said he hasn’t yet calculated it exactly but believes it to be ‘in the region of fxxx all.’

[john.b74]

4 old bikers see a sign that says, "Old Bikers Bar All Drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The Old Bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentleman?"
There's a fully stocked Bar, so each of the men orders a Jack & Coke.
In no time the Bartender serves up four Iced Jack & Cokes and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."
The four Old Bikers stare at the Bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their drinks, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Jack & Cokes are produced, with the Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, Please."
They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two Jack & Cokes and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Jack & Cokes good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a Retired Tailor from Phoenix," the Bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a Bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime.
Wine, Liquor, Beer it's all the same."
"Wow!
That's some story!" one of the Old Bikers says.
As the four of them sip their drinks, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the Bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the Bar, one of the men ask the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The Bartender says, "They're Retired people from Tennessee.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.

[john.b74]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[john.b74]

_*LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? _*
Why, a lexophile of course!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[john.b74]

I just got pulled by the police ! , they followed me for 1mile & as I was entering my works carpark the blue flashing lights came on , I stopped straight away got out of my car dressed in full nurse uniform & they said where are you going thick **bleep**s!! To make matters worse there was 3 of them in 1 car NO MASKS

[john.b74]

Bill is at home watching a Football Game when his ol lady interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light?
Now?
Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead?
I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the Fridge door?
It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the Fridge door?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the Front Door?
They're about to break."
"I'm not a Damn Carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so.
I've had enough of you.
I'm going to the Bar!!!"
So he goes to the Bar and drinks for 3 hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his ol lady, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a Beer, he notices the Fridge Door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all had to do was either have Sex with him or bake him a Cake."
He said, "So, what kind of Cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo...
Do you see Betty Crocker written on my Frickin' forehead?

[john.b74]

So Johnny tells Mom.
“I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy"
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having Dinner.
I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the Dinner Table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
“Well, I was at the Playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how Daddy gave Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants,
and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Then Mom fainted.

[cee-dee]

Tommy was touring and couldn't find the place he wanted so he phoned his best mate, John.

"Hiya, I'm in Scotland, you know it really well so would you help me find a place I've been told where everyone's supposed to be going?"

"Sure, who's going there? What's the name of the place?" John asked.

Tommy replied "Well I've been told everyone should go there. It's called Loch Down."

[john.b74]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!.

[john.b74]

WHY?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why is a boxing ring square?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

[cee-dee]

Tommy was reading John's list of "why's" and exclaimed "He's left off the most important two".

WHY is everything in the last place you look and....

WHY don't people look in the last place first?

[john.b74]

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door.He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[john.b74]

Maybe those two teenagers you saw walking to the shop together live in the same house, maybe they arent related but one is from a abusive home so locked down with their friends family.

Maybe your neighbour had a friend over,but was feeling suicidal or low. Maybe they took precautions to be careful to see each other which potentially stopped one of them taking their own life. If that one of them who's life was spared has children then they still have a mummy or daddy as a result.

Maybe that parent you saw in the supermarket with all their kids is a single parent and had no choice.

Maybe that elderly couple you see walking together daily are not from the same household, but they know people will assume they are. But maybe they have lived their lives and deserve to have a little bit of comfort from a companion, maybe if they are just walking together just the 2 of them they arent doing anyone any harm if they arent contacting others?

Maybe that mum who's home schooling and baking and being the perfect insta mum is doing all that to keep herself sane.

Maybe that mum that's letting their kid go wild on xbox is doing that to keep herself and the kid sane too.

Maybe that person who walked too close to you in the supermarket didnt realise, didnt see you as head is a shed, or didnt know the rules maybe has some kind of learning difficulties...

Maybe that annoying shop keeper who's doing one in one out is trying his best to be safe and keep people safe.

Maybe that rude check out girl is scared for her life working in an unsafe environment with unpredictable peoples behaviours and is just trying to get through her day hoping no one gives her Corona..

[john.b74]

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.
Is this a great country or what?"

[john.b74]

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully!!.

[john.b74]

A guy goes up to a shopkeeper and asks "excuse me how much are your flies"

Looking confused the shopkeeper says "I'm sorry sir we don't sell flies"

The guy replies "well you got them in the window"

[john.b74]

BBQ RULES:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

[john.b74]

Why is it... when someone loses a purse...its always got their nans picture in it..

Why is it .... when an idiot child leaves their push bike on the street and it goes missing...its never the childs fault...

Why is it..... when a car gets broken into... the poster always announces they've got kids... like that's relevant.

Why is it..... when an electric bike gets stolen.. the owner is always always disabled not lazy?

Why is it..... when someone gets on X factor... they always have a sob story.?

Why is it...when someone loses their phone... they need it back because the owner has taken pictures of their kids until they were 7 and never ever backed it up to iCloud or Google. Seriously you dont deserve a phone... !

Why is it.....when someone is selling **bleep** on Facebook...it needs to be gone asap ? Why??

Why is it..... when some trout is selling a phone...with a smashed screen they still demand top price because...'it still works ok !'

Why is it..... that buyers on Facebook are thick and ask you told hold stuff until they get their benefits,

Why is it .... that buyers on Facebook ask you will you deliver that £3. item... TO SHEVINGTON for free !

Why is it.... when people these days take a selfie... they stand in front of a mirror with the phone BLOCKING their faces... either that or it's a pic of them looking at their phone... ?

Why is it...... **bleep** always say... Wow! when their delicate little souls cant handle being told the truth... YOURE A **bleep**! WOW!.

Why is it..... fat people call themselves CURVY.

No love.... you're FAT.... it's not glands... you are like me... lazy fat and eat too fookin much. Be true to yourself..