JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

I met a prostitute who said she'd do anything for £10.

Guess who just got his living room painted??

[john.b74]

PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Jeremy corbyn stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're getting older. It's so important at our age!!

[john.b74]

really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our Town.
The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the specialist in submersibles has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has been canned - they couldn't ketchup with orders;
the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road;
the bread company has run out of dough;
the Swiss clock manufacturer has had to wind down and the owner has gone cuckoo;
the Chinese has been taken away;
the shoe shop owner has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot;
the TV aerial fitting company has gone into receivership;
and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

[john.b74]

A man got a job as a zookeeper, on his first day at the zoo he was walking past the aviary when he saw a beautiful finch. He reached into the cage and caught the bird to give it a stroke. Unfortunately he squeezed too hard and killed the bird. In a panic he threw the dead bird into the lions cage to get rid of the evidence. As he was walking away he accidentally knocked over the Bee hive exhibit. The hive crashed to the ground and the bees began to swarm out. In a panic he stomped all over the hive and killed the bees then threw the lot over the wall into the lions cage. As he walked past the Monkey cage he turned to see all the monkeys taking the Mickey out of him. He flew into a rage and entered the monkey cage and punched the first monkey he saw, killing him outright. In a panic now he also threw the monkey's body over into the lions cage.
The next day the zoo introduced a new lion to the lion enclosure. The lion walked up to the leader of the pack an old and wise lion and said "Hi mate, I'm new, just got here from Africa, what's this place like then?"
"It's all right here mate" said the old lion. "What's the food like then?" said the newcomer.
"Not too bad" said the old lion "Last night I had finch, chimps and mushy bees!!..

[john.b74]

This AM was not a good morning. Just after spending the last three weeks cooped up inside, I decided to go horseriding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a big mistake!

I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It just wouldn't stop.

Thankfully the manager at Sainsbury’s came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't try the Elephant ride ...

[john.b74]

‎Please read in full
*BREAKING NEWS*

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the majority of the population will remain in lockdown the following groups will be allowed to gather together at Parks and beaches:

Imbeciles
Half wits
Morons
Troglodytes
Ignoramus’
Simpletons
Illiterates
Idiots
Dickheads
**bleep**s
Scumbags
Cockwombles

Anyone not in those groups must follow the guidelines set out by the Governments regarding social distancing

[john.b74]

Early morning, a young guy stacks the shelves in the fruit and veg department at the supermarket. An elderly lady interrupts him asking , excuse me where is the broccoli?, sorry lady, our supplier has not yet delivered our order of broccoli for today but we are expecting it soon. KO thank you says the lady and wonders off. A few minutes later the elder lady asks the young guy again , where’s the Broccoli?, the youngster responds as before, the elderly lady wonders off , a few minutes later she returns and asks the young guy the same question, by this time the youngster is getting a bit sick of this lady and asks her can you spell, yes she says, well if c is for cat then f is broccoli, hang on a minute says the elderly lady, there is no F n broccoli, I know that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.

[john.b74]

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

[john.b74]

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door today so I invited him in, gave him tea and biscuits then I said to him, "So, what is all this Jehovah's Witness thing about then?"

He replied, "I haven't got a clue, I've never got this far before!"

[john.b74]

On holiday in Egypt this bloke offered me 20 camels for my wife. “Sorry mate I don’t smoke” I said

[john.b74]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

[john.b74]

round and started running towards them...

"Quick Mick, RUN!"

Mick says, "Why? It wasn't me who threw it"

[cee-dee]

I think he's missed half of that out?

[john.b74]

This 90 year old man goes to the docs for one of his regular check ups, and then a couple of days after, the doctor spots him walking down the street holding hands with a pretty blonde girl... When he returns for his next check up the following week, the doctor says 'I must say, you certainly seem very happy in yourself, I saw you afew days ago with a young girl in tow' the man says 'like you said doctor, get a hot mamma and be cheerful' doctor says 'no, you're mistaken, I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful'

[john.b74]

JOIN TOMMYS JOKES ON FACBOOK....."Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is thinking about... getting married."

[john.b74]

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

[john.b74]

hen asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing.

[john.b74]

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the Unemployment Office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty Stitcher.
I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The Clerk looked up Panty Stitcher.
Finding it classed as Unskilled Labor, she gives him $300, a week's Unemployment Pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation.
"Diesel Fitter," he replies.
Since Diesel Fitter is a Skilled job the Clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy finds out he's furious.
He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explains: "Panty Stitchers are Unskilled and Diesel Fitters are Skilled Labor."
"What skill?" yells the Panty Stitcher.
"I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, Diesel Fitter' "

[john.b74]

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

[john.b74]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No love,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'