JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A woman was in a coma.
She had been for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick an bring her out of the coma''
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined.
No pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room No pulse, no heart rate. 'What happened?" They cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked"
NEVER, NEVER, ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

[john.b74]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those people at the Post Office.

[john.b74]

Why men don't talk in public toilets

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, one of which was already occupied.

So I entered the vacant one and dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice from the next cubicle said "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude, replied "Yeah not too bad ta".

After a pause I heard the voice again, "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo....How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time...."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some idiot in the next loo answering everything I say!"

[john.b74]

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like **bleep**." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

[john.b74]

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me £10! I'm desperate! I need £10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need £5! Just £5! Please! I'm desperate!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.

"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need £20! Please lend me £20, please! I am really desperate!"

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However... I can make a well-educated guess.

Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

[john.b74]

TRUE STORY:

MY BOSS SENT ME FOR A RANDOM DRUG TEST
TWO WEEKS LATER HE CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE:

"DAVE" HE SAID. "ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS YOUR URINE THEY TESTED?"

"OF COURSE IT WAS." I REPLIED

"WELL, I GUESS CONGRATEULATIONS ARE IN ORDER BECAUSE YOU'RE THREE MONTHS PREGNANT!"

[john.b74]

Sixteen year old Little Johnny came home with a new Harley Davidson and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that bike?’
He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.’
"With what money?"
Demanded his parents.
They knew what a new Harley costs.
"Well," said Little Johnny, 'this one cost me fifteen dollars.’
So the parents began to yell even louder.
'Who would sell a bike like that for fifteen dollars?’
"It was the lady up the street," said Little Johnny.
I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bicycle and asked me if I wanted to buy a motorcycle for fifteen dollars.’
'Oh my Goodness!,’
Moaned the mother, 'she must be a child molester.
Who knows what she will do next?
Biker John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’
So the Little Johnny's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her calmly sitting on the porch drinking beer!
He introduced himself as the father of Little Johnny to whom she had sold a Harley for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it?
'Well,’ she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my ol man Wild Bill.
I thought the S.O.B. was out of town on a parts run, but learned from one of his bro's he had run off to Hawaii with some Young Blonde **bleep** and really doesn’t intend on comin back.
When the Lying **bleep** called he told me his old truck had broke down and he was stranded on the side of the road and needed cash, he asked me to sell his new bike and send him the money.
So I did.’..

[john.b74]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he started, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use. The. Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him, irritated and bewildered. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

[john.b74]

Murphy goes into the building site toilet, which is a small plank over a half oil drum which covers a hole in the ground. The ganger watched Murphy go in and starts to time him.

After fifteen minutes, the ganger bangs on the door and shout "Murphy I know your in there", Murphy shouts back "I won't be long", to which the ganger says "you've been in there for fifteen minutes already" and pulls the door open.

There he finds Murphy on his knees with the drum pushed to one side, and his arm down the hole. "What the he'll are you doing" the ganger said,

well said Murphy "when I had finished, I went to get my jacket of that nail there, and it slipped and fell down the hole and I'm trying to get it back."

The ganger said " surely your not going to wear it after its been down there". "No, no said Murphy of course not, it's just that my sandwiches are in the pocket"

[cee-dee]

Tommy bought his wife a beautiful, expensive looking diamond ring as a present.

He was telling his mate, Paddy all about it and Paddy said "I thought she wanted one of those flashy four wheel drives?"

Tommy replied "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Jeep"?

[cee-dee]

One year, Tommy bought his mother-in-law a cemetary plot as a Christmas present.

The next year he bought her nothing. When she asked why, Tommy replied "You ain't used the present I bought you last year".

[cee-dee]

This year Tommy was playing Santa at a local store. I little girl sat on his knee and Tommy asked the usual question "What would you like me to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl look at him with a shocked expression then said "Didn't you get my email?"

[john.b74]

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in Ballywalter. I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." 😡😡😡
No refund.
No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. .
I''ll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again

[john.b74]

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that Paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.

Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway,

He thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens.

In a normal tone, he asks “Mary what’s for dinner my lovely?”

No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.

He moves closer about 20 feet. ” Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing.

So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?

She replied,

PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME ITS CHICKEN!

[john.b74]

Jake went to the dentist to get a tooth out, and asked what will it cost:

The dentist said £200, which Jake thought was too much.

After some thought, he asked about cheaper methods.

The dentist said. "It can be done without anaesthesia and will cost only £30, but it would be very very painful.

Jake said. "OK doc, do it without anaesthesia."

The dentist removed the tooth without anaesthesia and during the entire procedure Jake sat quietly, even smiling a little.

The dentist was not only surprised, but was quite impressed and said. "I have never seen such a brave patient like you. I don't even want my fees, instead, take the £30 as a reward, you've taught me such a powerful lesson today about mastering one's pain and feelings."

In the evening he met his fellow dentists and told everyone about his amazing patient.

One of the dentists from the group jumped up and shouted.

"Jake came to me first, I gave him anaesthesia and asked him to wait outside for half an hour. After half an hour when I called him he had left"

[john.b74]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, “What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class, “Well Miss, me and my Twelve Brothers and Sisters go to Midnight Mass and we sing hymns.
Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.
Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
“Very nice Patrick," she said.
“Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
"Well, Miss, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put Chocolate Biscuits and Milk by the Chimney and we hang up our Stockings.
We hardly sleep waiting for Santa to bring our presents."
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year Miss….
Dad comes home from the office.
We all pile into the Rolls Royce.
Then we drive to Dad’s Toy Factory.
When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”
Then we all go to the Bahamas."

[john.b74]

A lady was holding a birthday party for her Daughter. She went all out
Even booking a clown. A couple of hobos came to her door asking if she had any work they could do for food and money. She said there was a wood pile that needed splitting they could do that. The guests arrived and party was going good. She got a call from the clown and he said he was stuck in traffic and couldn't get there. The lady panicked. She looked out the window and one of the hobos was running around, doing cartwheels, grabbing tree branches and swinging around on them. The lady thought Maybe he would do it for the children. She went out the other hobo and said your friend is doing great do you think he Will do it for the children for $50.00. He replied I don't know I'llask him. He hollars to his friend "hey Willie for $50.00 would you chop off another toe."?

[john.b74]

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

[john.b74]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[john.b74]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes responds saying "What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."