JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

Paddy working on a building site had just finished building a wall that when looking at it profile looked like a dog's hind leg.
When the Forman came round he sacked Paddy on the spot.

The Forman said to Paddy I'm sorry but we can't have that standard of work on the site so you've got to go. Paddy said but I've seen worse on this site, to which the Forman said if you can show me worse on this site I will give you your job back.

Paddy takes the Forman to the other side of the site to a wall that looking at it profile was like the letter S. and said look at this. The Forman said bloody hell and gives Paddy his job back

The Forman scratching his head said to Paddy who the bloody hell build this, Paddy said ..me.

[cee-dee]

Paddy walked down the lane in the pouring rain and was surprised to see Tommy standing outside his house under an umbrella looking up at his roof.

"What are you doing out here in the poring rain Tommy?" Paddy asked.

"Me roof's leaking and I was wondering what was up with it." Tommy replied.

"There's a slate slipped up there, two courses down from the ridge tiles. Are you going to get up there and fix it?"

"Not today" Tommy replied "It's too wet to get up there."

The pair went inside and enjoyed a crate of Guinness and ended the day quite merry.

Next day was hot and sunny so Paddy went to see Tommy and got another surprise. Tommy was spread out on a lounger sunbathing just in his speedos.

"Hey Tommy, it's a smashing day, have you fixed that roof?"

"I've no need" Tommy replied "it's not leaking today."

[john.b74]

.cee-dee calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, cee-dee I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'



Two hours later cee-dee calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

[john.b74]

In a tiny village lived an Old Maid.
In spite of her old age, she was still a Virgin.
She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local Undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a Virgin, lived as a Virgin, died as a Virgin."
Not long after, the Old Maid died peacefully, and the Undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but the ass they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote, "Returned Unopened."

[john.b74]

Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike. It's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "

"You're in the team for Saturday."

[john.b74]

..Have You Ever Heard The Term ‘**bleep** Poor?’ I Had No Idea It Comes From THIS! Fascinating!
We can learn a lot about ourselves by looking to the past. History not only provides us with a nostalgic glimpse at how things used to be — like with these classic childhood toys — but its lessons can still teach us things today.Many of us fondly refer to “the good old days” when times were purer and life was simpler.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. Once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery.
If you had to do this to survive, you were “**bleep** poor.”
But worse than that were the really poor folks who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot. They “didn’t have a pot to **bleep** in” and were considered the lowest of the low.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!”
Houses had thatched roofs with thick straw-piled high and no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the term, “dirt poor.”
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence, “a thresh hold.”
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests, and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”
In old, small villages, local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell.
Thus, someone could be “saved by the bell,” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
Now, whoever said history was boring?

[john.b74]

Breathalyzer
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in small town. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off - it was a fine, dry summer night. Flicked the blinkers on and of a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the obviously sober man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[john.b74]

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her:

He said. “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”

“I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”

St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.

She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.

The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.

“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” The midwife asked him.

“Oh no, I’m feeling great.” The husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbour Cee-Dee is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off.”

[cee-dee]

There's no getting one over on Tommy.

Tommy was minding his own business driving back to Limerick from Kilkee in County Clare.

As he entered Lissycasey, a big fat and near to retirement age Garda, jumps out from behind a bush brandishing a speed gun and waves Tommy to a stop.

“You were speeding,” says the guard. “Doing thirty-three in a thirty zone.” He continued.

“Heck Guard,” says Tommy “I didn’t see no sign. It must be covered by them bushes.”

“Bushes or no bushes, I’m giving you a ticket and a hundred euro fine,” say’s Brian the Guard. Now show me your tax, licence, insurance and registration documents.” 

“Shur, I don’t have any tax, licence, insurance and shur, the car isn’t even mine. It belongs to the guy in the boot, I hit him over the head with me revolver when I stole his car.”

“Jaysus!” Said the Guard as he backed away and jumped over the nearest ditch while frantically calling for back-up on his radio.

Within ten-minutes back-up consisting of two unmarked and three patrol cars had arrived from Kilrush.

A helicopter hovered overhead and a nervous Superintendent wearing a bullet-proof vest approaches Tommy’s car where Tommy was nonchalantly listening to classical music on the radio.

“Is this your car?” asks the Superintendent.

‘Tis to be sure.” Answers Tommy — all respectful like.

“And do you have tax, insurance and a license?”

“I do indeed,” says Tommy handing them out through the window.

“And do you have a gun and a body in the boot?”

“Jaysus No!” Says Tommy, “who told you that pack of lies?”

“Why he did — that garda over there,” says the Super.

“Well, the liar,” says Tommy “I suppose he told you I was speeding as well………?”

[john.b74]

A plane is on route from Heathrow to JFK New York. A canister in hold erupts and everyone in the plane is overcome with a toxic gas, everyone except one passenger who in in the toilet fixing her makeup. When she comes out and sees everyone passed out, she goes into the cockpit and finds the crew lying on the floor. She takes the pilots headphones and is calling out; " Coowee, coowee! " Air traffic control respond; " Flight 1914 are you in some difficulty?" The girl responds; " Everyone has passed out and I'm the only one left!" Air traffic control respond; " Flight 1914 do you have any flying experience?" The girl responds; " No!" Air traffic control; " Flight 1914 can you read the instruments in front of you?" The girl responds; " No! They care all moving around and around." Air traffic control; " Flight 1914 are you able to able to gives us and statistics at all, we need to know your standing?" The girl responds; " Yes of course I can, I am 29 years old, standing barefoot I'm 5'.9" I have blonde hair and I'm 38-,25 - 38 and a part time model.
All goes quiet for about 10 minutes. Then, Air traffic control; " Flight 1914 we have been assessing your predicament and we have come up with the only soultion possible. Please listen carefully and repeat after me......Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name...

[cee-dee]

Mick was decorating his front bedroom and wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need, so he asked his mate Tommy that lived next door.

Tommy had recently done the same job in his house and the front bedrooms were identical in size.

“Tommy,” asked Mick, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Tommy.

So Mick went out and bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but at the end he found he had 3 rolls leftover.

When he saw next saw Tommy he said to him, “Tommy, I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but have 3 leftover.”

“Yes,” said Tommy, “So did I”.

[john.b74]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast
on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
“Oh my Lord," says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
….It's a mir….Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to
the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you,
take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent
over from the Curia in Rome Italy . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the
town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
(quite outside the natural laws of the universe). Yet the Holy See must be very cautious
before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that
Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[john.b74]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're
here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
!
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[john.b74]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The idiot used coins!"

[john.b74]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer. "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said. "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled. "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.

"Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk answered. "Snow!"

[john.b74]

TEST::

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos with only an old film camera. All your other cameras fell into the torrential flood waters.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.

It's Donald Trump! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the most powerful Republicans in America.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer. "Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[john.b74]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in St Petersburg when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me.” She replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain, “ he said. They were about to have a major argument when they saw a communist party official walking towards them.

“Let’s not fight about it, “the man said.” Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”.

As the official approached, the man said “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph whether it is officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining of course,” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted “I know that felt like snow!”

To which the man replied quietly, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!!!

[john.b74]

An American stops Paddy in Dublin for directions.
“Could you direct me to the Temple Bar pub please sir?”
”Certainly” replies our man, you can’t miss it”.
“Head on down to the end of this street and on the corner you will see a library, turn left”
“Carry on to the end of that street and you will see a building on the corner which is the post office and turn left”
“Keep walking until the next corner and you will see a bakery, turn left”
“Now walk about 300 yards and you will see the Temple Bar pub”
The American thought for a moment and then said to Paddy “”If I go to the end of this street to the Library on the corner and turn left, then carry on to the next corner at the post office and turn left, then keep walking until the bakery on the corner and turn left and walk 300 yards I will end up exactly where I am?”
Paddys says “Sure then you would be in the right place, the Temple Bar pub is across the street”

[john.b74]

It is late December and the correctional court judge is in a good mood. He asks the defendant: "What are you accused of?" The defendant replies "I am accused of having done my Christmas shopping too early!" The judges says "But that's not a crime." "Well, it was before the store opened..."

[john.b74]

Called the vets this morning...

Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"

Me: "He's holding his head to one side."

Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

...............................................................

Paddy paid a visit to the opticians.

He said " I need some advice,

because I can't see very far " !

The optician said " Well just pop outside with me for a moment "

When they were outside the optician pointed up to the sky and said " What's dat bloody great orange thing up there"

Paddy said "It's da Sun "

The optician said "Great, so how far do you want to see " ?