JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[john.b74]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, "Hi, we"re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"" "That"s terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest"s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we"re prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[john.b74]

SCAM AGAINST OLDER MEN

...Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves when out shopping and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

...A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Tesco's, Costco, or even Asda. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

...Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

...Here's how the scam works:

...Two nice-looking, young girls will come over to your car or van as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and chamois, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

...When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

...You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

...I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

...So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

...Asda have wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at poundland and bought them out in three of their stores.

...Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Tesco's, to Asda, to Costco, etc.

...So please, please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[john.b74]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

[cee-dee]

Tommy was telling his mate Paddy all about his other mate, Patrick.

"Pat was boasting that he never cried so I said he was a liar as I'd seen him crying when he was peeling Onions."

"What did he say to that" Paddy asked.

"He said that that was food and anyway, it was the only food that made him cry."

"What did you say to that?"

"I said I could make him cry with other food."

"Go on, what did he say?"

"He said there was no other food on Earth that would make him cry."

"So, did you?"

"Yes" Tommy replied "I smacked him in the gob with a frozen chicken."

[joe_bloggs*]

[john.b74]

After all these years I've finally got myself online today and it has turned my life around in 2 hours! Firstly I won an iPhone for being the 10,000th visitor to a site. Then I won a free Green Card to America. A Prince from Nigeria has left me a small fortune. Found out that there are hundreds of horny women that are mad for sex in my area, found out a new way of growing my dick four extra inches, have a sexy Russian on a plane over here and to top it all off I won 3 million on the Tibetan lottery!
Must be beginners luck.

[john.b74]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays.

[john.b74]

.young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says, "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says, "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?"
His father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm."
"But you just won't believe this, they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read?" says his father.
"No kidding!
How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue?
I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," The boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"'
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.....

[john.b74]

snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

[john.b74]

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

[john.b74]

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him £50 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him £40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your father a big hug

[john.b74]

A 63 year old woman went to her doctor’s office to get a problem looked at.
One of the new doctors received her and together they walked into the examination room. 4 minutes later, she suddenly burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained what had happened. He had the woman go sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the young doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”
Hey, as long as it works, right?

[john.b74]

cee-dee, who was on vacation from Ireland on Ft Myers Beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice?
"Mate, it's obvious" says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style.
You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate you'll have all the babes ya want."
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Bloody Hell Mate" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in the front"

[cee-dee]

I think You got a bit confused there? So Cee-Dee changed in to Paddy half way through? More proof-reading needed I think?

[john.b74]

His name was Paddy cee-dee,hes Irish.

[john.b74]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[john.b74]

The Garda knocks on Paddy's door,and when he opens it his dog starts to bark.
The Garda said "Paddy have you got a licence for that dog" Paddy said " I haven't the money to buy a licence "

The Garda said " look Paddy I'm not unreasonable man, so I will give you till this evening to get a licence"

At six o'clock the Garda is back at Paddy's door ", right Paddy" he said " have got a licence for that animal" to which Paddy properly produces a licence.

"Just one minute the Garda said, this morning you had no money where have you got the money from"

Paddy said " I SOLD THE DOG"

[john.b74]

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'you'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
***

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightening, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said. 'Well, she got there!"

[john.b74]

Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says, "
'Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'Just let me in,' says the politician.
'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises....
The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.
The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning...
Today you voted.

[john.b74]

Just opened a Christmas present from my uncle. It was a box of rice.

Thanks Uncle Ben.