I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

[merehazle]

---

@merehazle wrote:

 Just a couple of questions 'specifcally'  for T&I

Dated 1913 was this picture taken just before a wedding, or just before a funeral?

And can you spot a famous person in it? 

Our Rose, from here is in it too

Tell you tomorrow. That's if you wish to know   

 (ignore the cursor arrow that's not him)

---

 I say old chap this is fun.

 Well i'm going to tell you, I might as well do, singing do wacker do wacker day

 Are you exited?

Well it's a wedding Yes, that's true.     And that's Rose sitting on the ladys lap.    And I wonder T.I. can you spot Bing Crosby?      Needn't answer of course

Probably tell you more tomorrow  .......shussss,

[tommy.irene]

---

@merehazle wrote:

---

@merehazle wrote:

 Just a couple of questions 'specifcally'  for T&I

Dated 1913 was this picture taken just before a wedding, or just before a funeral?

And can you spot a famous person in it? 

Our Rose, from here is in it too

Tell you tomorrow. That's if you wish to know   

 (ignore the cursor arrow that's not him)

---

 I say old chap this is fun.

 Well i'm going to tell you, I might as well do, singing do wacker do wacker day

 Are you exited?

Well it's a wedding Yes, that's true.     And that's Rose sitting on the ladys lap.    And I wonder T.I. can you spot Bing Crosby?      Needn't answer of course

Probably tell you more tomorrow  .......shussss,

---

That photo was taken outside my Grandads house in Tobergill street on the Shankill Road Belfast. Thats Bing On the Gunniess again

[tommy.irene]

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. 

[tommy.irene]

Two Irish men looking through a catalogue. Paddy say's "look at those gorgeous women! The price's are reasonable too," Mick agrees! "I am ordering one of them right now.
"3 week's later, Paddy say's "Has your 
woman turned up yet?""No" said Mick. "But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday"!

[tommy.irene]

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

[tommy.irene]

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..." 

[tommy.irene]

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. 

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. 

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. 

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball" the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

[tommy.irene]

I wonder why Stevie wants to start another joke thread.

[tommy.irene]

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. 
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. 
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." 
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted..

[tommy.irene]

One winter morning a husband and wife in southern Winnipeg
were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

[tommy.irene]

I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas tooooo! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. it's all gone! Im waiting for the police! The dirty rotten thieving pigs. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!......­........That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates

[tommy.irene]

I called my Internet provider today and when the guy answered I handed the phone over to my 10-month-old son.

After a minute I took the phone back from him and said, "Hello?"

"Hi," he replied, "Sorry, I didn't understand a word of that."

"That's what it was like when you put me through to your call centre in India last week

[tommy.irene]

A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?” “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”

[tommy.irene]

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

[tommy.irene]

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two hours ago."

[tommy.irene]

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and 
asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car 
zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!!
Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!
Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver was starting to 
get a little irritated and miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in 
Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and 
said, "that'll be $150."
"$150? It was short ride! Why so much?"
"Yeah! That's a Taxi Meter; Made in Japan!! Very fast!!!"

[tommy.irene]

A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,” “it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”
One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”

[tommy.irene]

My nan called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.

"Can I come in?" She asked,

" Have you got a problem?" He replied,

"I'm freezing, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have your heating on," she replied.

__________________

[merehazle]

 

 Well that's not the way I heard it Tommy.

 I heard she was in quite a rage and said let me in or else!

 Here's the evidence    >>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

BTW how in your reply at 643, can that be Bing Crosby drinking guiness, if there is nobody drinking at all ?

Get a life man, and at least say which one you think it might be?   Or I'm wasting my time ''occasionally'' trying to humour you 

Hows Irene BTW?