I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[tommy.irene]

paddy 'n' murphy stumble out the pub in the wee hours & have missed the last bus home, jeeeez we'll have to walk so off they go, a coupla mile down the road they come across the bus depot & murphy says "lets steal a bus" paddy says i'll go in a fetch it, you wait 'n' keep a lookout..so murphy keeping watch & can hear engines starting & stopping, doors opening, brakes screaching for 15 min's orso then out drives paddy.. murphy asks whats taken you so long??? paddy says " the bus to Belfast was right at the back!!!

[tommy.irene]

“If you got guts.” Sell your car and become a pedestrian.

[tommy.irene]

"Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher.
"A fight!” answers Frank.

[tommy.irene]

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

[tommy.irene]

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

[tommy.irene]

Q: Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
A: They were repossessed.

Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".

[tommy.irene]

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

[tommy.irene]

OMG !!! VERY EASY WAY TO CLEAN !! WOW

Did you know that every 30 days it is necessary to clean the computer screen from the inside? Many people ignore this fact and do not know how. Manufacturers take advantage of this ignorance to increase their sales. My IT guy shared this and said feel free to share with my contacts this utility. To clean the screen from the inside, just click this link:

http://www.lingdao.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf

[tommy.irene]

HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.


4. Then analyse the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing c. If they have
messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security g. If they have broken the
bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government

[tommy.irene]

Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this **bleep**." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.

The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.

They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

[tommy.irene]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!

[tommy.irene]

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" 

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. 
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. 
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" 

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" 

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, 
he went straight to his mother crying. 

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."

[tommy.irene]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?' 

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!' 

The woman kept quiet and left. 

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 

'So, honey, how was the trip?' 

'Very good, thank you.' 

'And, what happened to my present?' 

'Which present?' She asked. 

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!' 

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!'

[tommy.irene]

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

[tommy.irene]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Your lying, You've been playing golf!"

[tommy.irene]

The fortune teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

The woman took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" 

[tommy.irene]

It was two o' clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[merehazle]

 Just a couple of questions 'specifcally'  for T&I

Dated 1913 was this picture taken just before a wedding, or just before a funeral?

And can you spot a famous person in it? 

Our Rose, from here is in it too

Tell you tomorrow. That's if you wish to know   

 (ignore the cursor arrow that's not him)