I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."
The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

[tommy.irene]

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ 
At last a guy has taken the time to write all of this down. 




Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side. 




Now here are the rules from the male side. 


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' 
ON PURPOSE! 




1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, 
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football
or golf .

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;__________________

[tommy.irene]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[tommy.irene]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he 
suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. 

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How 
much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' 

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have 
Work-Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95.' 

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie 
£265.95 and the others only £19.95?' 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 
'Sir....., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, 
Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain.

[tommy.irene]

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

  A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother...

[10phizz]

No outside handrail on those steps going down from the pool ^^^^^^ ...you wouldn`t want to stay there if you liked a drink or three.

[tommy.irene]

 When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. 

And now, the honorable mentions:

 The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

[tommy.irene]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.

[tommy.irene]

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!

[tommy.irene]

Wait! Please don't visit that site right now!

Google detected badware on the site you were visiting. Firefox uses Google's blacklist to warn you about "Reported attack sites." We understand that you may know and trust this site, but it's possible for good sites to be infected with badware without the site owners' knowledge or permission.

[tommy.irene]

Today it was 96F here.

[tommy.irene]

I NEED HELP FRIENDS!! I have a stalker named Bill ! You know who you are ! I absolutely hate YOU ! He keeps hanging around my house, despite my best efforts to be rid of him . I think he likes me ! When I finally get rid of him , he keeps coming back . I think he loves me ! He comes in many forms ...Telephone Bill, Electric Bill, Water Bill, Gas Bill, and so on...

[tommy.irene]

Well done Tommy...473 replies.

Unfortunately, 460 of them were you bumping your own thread. :^O

Ha ha .You must be a teabag..this is for jokes.. which i put on here ..im glad you counted them for me..

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

The Urine test

(This was written by a rig worker in the North Sea - What he says makes a lot of sense!)

I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as
it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor.

I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have 
no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't
have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefits cheque because I have 
to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their 
feet. 

I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their
arse drinking beer and smoking dope.

Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to
pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque?

[jimbo1lee]

What a brilliant idea, BRING IT ON.

[tommy.irene]

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
NONE, they never get the house!

[tommy.irene]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." 
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again!''