I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a 
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're 
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be 
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart 
murmur; be careful.'

[tommy.irene]

Paddy runs into the pub and says,"Mick, your cars just been stolen".
Mick screams, "Bloody hell, did you see who stole it?"
"No" says Paddy "but i got the registration number."

[tommy.irene]

[geographically*challenged]

Paddy runs into the pub and says,"Mick, your cars just been stolen".
Mick screams, "Bloody hell, did you see who stole it?"
"No" says Paddy "but i got the registration number."

DOH!!!!!

LOL

[tommy.irene]

[10phizz]

A lorry driver was sat in a cafe and just as he was about to start eating his breakfast a group of rowdy bikers came in and started making offensive remarks to him.

One came up and drank his cup of tea,

a couple more grabbed sausage and bacon off his plate and made sandwiches. and ate them  all the time laughing at him ............without a word the driver got up and left the cafe

The rowdy gang went to the counter and  one said to the waitress 

Not much of a man was he ?

 Looking out of the window she said

Not much of a driver either,

he just reversed over a load of motorbikes

[tommy.irene]

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[tommy.irene]

Marriage Humour ...



Wife: 'What are you doing?' 

Husband: Nothing. 

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' 

------------------------------- 

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' 

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' 

Wife: 'Yes or no.' 


-------------------------------------------------------- 

Stress Reliever 
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' 

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.' 

------------------------------ 

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' 

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' 

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..' 

________________________________ 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 

------------------------------------------------------------ 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' 

[tommy.irene]

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season. 

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA) 

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 


"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake." 


"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."__________________

[tommy.irene]

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.? Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time, take me to a vet!

[tommy.irene]

Im skint

[tommy.irene]

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.
“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” “Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”
“July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”
“And he won!” Peter sighed.
“No. He came in seventh.”

[geographically*challenged]

Im skint

Same here

I just cant afford.

[tommy.irene]

[jimbo1lee]

The definition of a married man is,

A man who has photo's in his wallet,

where money used to be.  😞

[jimbo1lee]

The definition of a successful man is,

A man who can earn  money faster than his wife can spend it,  😄

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The definition of a successful woman is,

Finding such a man.  :^O

[tommy.irene]

Places to See Before You DieHere are ten best places for the relaxing summer holiday! Which of these...Top 10 Beaches Around the World      www.placestoseeinyourlifetime.com       The summer is here and ...

[tommy.irene]

Someone is getting a parking ticket.

[tommy.irene]

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're
suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em
fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser
for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

[tommy.irene]