I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[tommy.irene]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" 
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[tommy.irene]

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Well folks got anything you would like to add to this???

[tommy.irene]

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and stumbles upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd man, if I guess how many sheep there are, can I have one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees.

She shouts out "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps to his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly "awww isn't he just the cutest!!!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

[tommy.irene]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins?' 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

[tommy.irene]

Old Man And The Beaver 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... 







The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' 

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 
"So what do you think about that Doc?" 




The doctor considered his question for a minute and 
then began to tell a story. 

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter 
and never misses a season." 




One day he was setting off to go hunting. 
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking 
cane instead of his gun." 

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver 
sitting at the water's edge.. 





He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't 
shoot the magnificent creature. 
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if 
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. 

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. 

The 86-year-old said, 
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else 
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." 


The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[tommy.irene]

Q. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants when he went golfing?

A. In case he got a "hole in one".

[tommy.irene]

An old lady answered a knock at her door and found the caller was a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Before she had chance to speak, the salesman emptied a bucket full of dog poo onto her hall carpet, then said to her :"madam if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of that dog poo from your carpet, I will eat the rest of it off myself"

The little old lady replied :


"Well I hope you're hungry, because they cut my electric off this morning"

[tommy.irene]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.. 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and 
he shares his. She listens. 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 

'No,' she replies. . . 



Wait for it. . 



It's coming. . 




The suspense is killing you, isn't it? 





She says: 
'You just happened to catch my eye.' 

[tommy.irene]

Patel was bragging to his boss one day,"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

"Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Patel how about
Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Patel! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Patel's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's
knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Patel
says."President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Patel says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off
they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Patel . "My folks are from
Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Patel says," This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.

But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, what happened?

"His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Patel?"

[tommy.irene]

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

[tommy.irene]

Prince Charles decides it is time to get fit, and takes up jogging.

Every day as he jogs on his route, he sees a prostitute on a street corner. Every day the same prostitue shouts to him "50 quid for an hour sir?"

Every day Prince Charles jokingly replies "5 pounds ?" This goes on everyday for several weeks.

One day Camilla decides to join Charles on his daily jog. As the two of them begin jogging Charles begins to worry about whether the prostitute will be on the street corner and how he will explain away the comments she and he make to each other. As they head towards the street corner Charles begins to really worry as he sees the prostitute in her usual spot....

As he and Camilla approach, he grits his teeth waiting for the prostitute to shout her usual offer....and decides that today he must ignore her

As they approach the prostitute shouts to Charles

"See what you get for a fiver you tight old **bleep** "...

[tommy.irene]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

[tommy.irene]

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

[tommy.irene]

Dear Son,

Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.
There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.
They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.
Take care of yourself son.

[tommy.irene]

I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

[tommy.irene]

Good Bye Grandpa


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."


The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."


The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.


He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"


He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[tommy.irene]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me 
Irish Whiskey!" 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied. 

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 

The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" 



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" 



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" 



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." 

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" 

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." 





Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the e now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[tommy.irene]

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman;

2 French men and 1 French woman;

2 German men and 1 German woman;

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman;

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman;

2 English men and 1 English woman.

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Meanwhile, the two English men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman 

[tommy.irene]

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."