Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't or couldn't have?

[alisonsvintagechicboutique]

Sensitive subject I guess but would love to hear your experiences good or bad if you would like to share  :-x

Particularly how you got over the other person (if you did...) and how the whole experience affected you. 

[mygreyangel]

It probably helped a lot to get it all off your chest and regardless of how you had handled it I think you were always going to feel pretty damn lousy when you see her next.

That being said, I think just a quick note saying "sorry you felt singled out and the last thing I would want to do is make you feel awkward at work, so please accept my apologies and assurance there will be no repetition" might have been easier all round.

But what's done is done, from what you say about the brochure she would already have known you had a major crush on her, time to draw a line under it and move on (easier said than done I know).

If your response is mentioned I'd be inclined to make out that you'd had a few drinks, had been feeling pretty down on Friday, as a result went a bit OTT and laugh it off as best you can..

You know, if she was right for you, expensive gestures like paid holidays aren't necessary and actually could frighten a decent person off, being a little too much too soon.

Simple small gestures come over better, after all would you really want someone who wanted you just for what they could get out of you?

[merc1_clocks]

reg...I don't know you, & you will not like what I am going to say...

but please don't send your long missive.

I think it's good that you wrote it down, but now scrap it - you've got your feelings out on paper, as it were, now you must move on.

I fear that she may find your words a wee bit uncomfortable...you really don't want to come across as needy, or emotional...she may fear that you have a kind of break-down at work...& you don't want to embarrass her as well as yourself.

You made it plain in the message, that you had plenty money, but dear reg...you cannot buy love.

Out there will be a lovely woman who is deserving of your love & obvious kindness, but this woman is not going to be her.

Go into work with your head held high, & hard as it will be, try for the most part to ignore this woman & her flirtations with others.

I certainly do not mean to sound hard...I genuinely wish you only the best, G x

[mygreyangel]

Regnum's already sent the email Merc 😞

[rose2008-2008]

OOhhh reg. I was going to say you like me need to get things off your chest and you had with that but i was going to say do not send it , make it shorter and to the point thats all.

Your obviously upset and heartbroken and you need to stand tall. I would say if she is an outright flirt NO shes not for you. I have no truck with flirts even after yes what i have done. I think shes an attention seeker reg.

Whats done is done as lovely ladies above said. reg you deserve much more from someone but i do not think it is this woman.

Bless you its so horrible breaking your heart over someone. I was doing it last night, crying so i know. Just know your not alone.  😞

[man-of-sussex]

Thanks again everyone.

I sent that email at 11.35 last night and in the cold light of day realise that perhaps yes, I shouldn't have done.

I WILL put this behind me as a learning experience and move on, 12 hours after sending it I received the reply as pasted below, so whilst it's not a 'happy ending', I should be able to go in on Monday with head held high:

'I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through.
 
With regards to the XXX situation, both XXX and I both know that our "banter" in the office is only that. I am not interested in having a relationship with him, whether he was in a relationship or not and he knows that, but we just get on really well and I'm sorry that has offended you. I am not one to mix business with pleasure and therefore would not date anyone in the office.
 
I agree that both you and I are adults and therefore will not be taking this to XXX or XXX, but I hope we can still be civil day to day and if you would like to move to XXX's desk when he leaves then I understand. 
 
I hope you have a good weekend.
 
Kind Regards

XXX

[merc1_clocks]

Draw a line under it now reg...& I wish you the very best for the future :-x

[rose2008-2008]

My person came to see me on Friday. He more or less said he does not want to carry on ( after i questioned him for a straight answer and im still not sure) with our relationship. Its too stressful and he said he feels too guilty, so guilty. I said fair enough but im very sad. He does not want to talk about his home situation with me, he has problems, gets no affection at all from his wife so he said and when i asked him if maybe he was upset enough to do something about it he remarked "whats the alternative"?. He seems to have accepted his lot, tells me he does not want anyone and just likes being alone. I know hes depressed but i find this all a bit defeatist. I get down but i do not give up. I started crying and told him i thought a lot more of him and care very much. he then said " i like your company". REALLY?. I just DO NOT understand him. Why does he say he likes my company but i hardly ever see him?. He did look like he was getting a bit upset but told me he did not know what to say to me and i was standing there crying my heart out. i know in a few months he will try contacting me again he always does but i know i have to be strong now and not text him on my phone at all. I have tried my best to get through to him and talk and let him know im there for him but he just seems blank. You can see emotion there , he will put his arms round me as he did when he left and gave me a hug but he seems to have this iron wall shut down in front of him keeping all his feelings back. He said he tells no one hardly about his life or personal things as people always throw it back in your face later on. Now i know this but you still have to talk to someone. Im very upset and cannot imagine never seeing him again, but i have to go on for now and concentrate on making myself feel good and caring for myself. Love and life is so tough. 😞

[alisonsvintagechicboutique]

Ahhh Rose, it was quite spooky reading that as I literally had a carbon copy of that conversation!

I do think that some guys have trouble thinking about more than one thing at a time especially when it involves emotions.  This was definitely my experience.  I also had the comments about the 'wall'.  I got as far as loosening some bricks seemingly - but oh the effort it took to do that!  The rest is obviously still standing and unpenetrable (sp?).

I also had the identical comments about 'liking/loving my company' without the supposed need to see more of me.  Only taking a step back myself and purposely making less contact proved that this was actually a true statement.  

I could not have done this though if I had not purposely filled my days and evenings completely up with other stuff.  Being on my own for any length of time I would have been a lot weaker and susceptible.  I do recommend the cinema and watching dvds to help focus your mind elsewhere :-).  Find and use as many distraction techniques as you can this remains without a doubt the very best advice I can give.  Of course they can, and should be as fun as possible.  Call up all your girlfriends and even the odd platonic man friend….. and fill up your diary for as far ahead as possible.  You don't necessarily have to spend loads just get out of the house and have a change of scene - picnic, walks stuff like that.  

Would you believe shortly after that I turned down seeing him on 2 occasions shortly after!  That proved to me that I might be on the road to 'recovery'.  These were times when I simply was unavailable.  It would have meant letting other people down to have accepted.  I weighed it  up and know that this was the right decision even though at the time I thought I must need my head testing!!  Saying no was a killer but also rather interesting….  it made him disappointed all of a sudden!

I have kept thinking about your earlier 'morsels' comment.  This has really registered with me  as its about the most perfect explanation about what we get out of this! Morsels will absolutely never be enough.  I need more than that and it is never going to happen with this person.   

This has proved to be a very 'healing' thread actually.  I had not expected so many people to take an interest in it but the amount of readers/views has been high.  I hope its had a bit of a 'group hug' vibe.  I hope so as this experience can be utterly wretched and lonely.  

Regnum, just to say that I wrote several actual letters rather than emails.  Some I sent and one I didn't.  I'm not one to judge on this.  I found it quite therapeutic to put my thoughts down on paper.  I also wrote a few songs and i'd never done that before.  No music for them but lyrics that came from the heart.  Only for my own viewing but found writing stuff down really helped.  I've not written any for a while which makes me think/know that I am feeling better.  I've also not looked at either the lyrics or the letter for quite a while.  I know they are there though if I need to.  

Big hugs and strength to you all, don't feel alone this thread proves that you aren't  :-x

[rose2008-2008]

Alison i feel like a kindred spirit to you, we have very similar things that have happened then?. I do not feel so alone now, and what i must do now is everything you have said. I have done it before and i can do it again!!. Im going to concentrate on my life now and get on with my things. :-). With me i have to distract as i get angry very quickly about it, all tensed up and agitated , its not doing me any good at all!!.

I think its been a healing thread, a good decent response from you lot and yes a group hug feeling. We have to support each other not judge. Peoples situations are all different.

I for one am not going to chase any more, enough of that. These weeks have been horrible but this thread has put things into perspective and made me feel i am not the only one going through these situations.

Thank you Alison and everyone so much. love to all:-x

[man-of-sussex]

Was dreading going into work today after sending THAT email.

Particularly as she sits on the opposite side of the desk to me, and the 'other guy' sits just a few feet further back.

However the other guy was off sick today and she only works mondays, wednesdays and thursdays 9.00 - 3.00

.

I don't have to talk to her and we ignored each other all day (never said a word).

It sounds childish as we are all in our 40's but I think the less interaction I have with her over the nest week or two the better, (to help me get over her) then we can start to be 'civil to each other' (as she says in her email).

S'funny, but the way she was flirting with the other guy (to whom I bear no ill-will whatsoever) was just what she was doing with me a few weeks ago!

She was also talking to one of the other women about her 'many' previous boyfriends! (She is divorced too). If I can come round to thinking of her as a slut who's going to be buried in a Y-shaped coffin rather than the 'goddess' I had built her up to be in my mind then this will help me get over her.

Things seemed so different just 3 weeks ago when my colleagues 'decorated' my desk for my birthday (see attached photo - that's her on the left by the way).

[mygreyangel]

I'm glad you got through today OK Regnum.

While I can understand why you might want to demonise your colleague at the moment, in truth I think it's probably healthier to accept that she (and most of the rest of us) is neither goddess nor slut.  

No woman could ever live up to the goddess label and putting someone on a pedestal is only going to lead to ultimate disappointment

Hope you find someone to love for their good points & despite their bad ones :-x

[10phizz]

In a few months time you will re-read these posts and   think they are written by strangers.............you will all have moved on.

[rose2008-2008]

Yes, hugs to you Regnum, im sorry but you did raise a smile on my face when you said about the Y shaped coffin. LOl,Ohhh dear. Keep your chin up as i am doing. Things will be what they are meant to be.

I still believe in the saying " If you love someone, let them go, if its meant to be they will come back to you". Something like that. Thats just me.

Hugs ((())):-x

[margie19802013]

Regnum, I was once harassed at work which bordered on stalking and I can tell you it's not a nice experience.  I read the email you have sent this lady with horror.  I did think you were perhaps a teenager but now you have posted you are both in your forties.

To post a picture of her, ok, it's not a full face of her, but to do this without her consent is really not on.  Now you say in your mind she's gone from being "wonder woman" to a "slut".  How dare you call any woman a slut just because your feelings aren't reciprocated and she's not interested in you.  I'm not surprised she's been as you call it "flirting" with another guy in the office, that's a sure sign to tell you to back off.

As for telling her you've been told you are good bed - oh please, how many times have us women heard that one.  As for trying to buy her with free holidays, any relationship worth having can't be bought.  How insulting for her.

You did ask for comments and I'm sorry if the truth hurts but please move on and leave this poor woman alone.  There is a difference between infatuation and true love.

[**streety**]

Regnum, I was once harassed at work which bordered on stalking and I can tell you it's not a nice experience.  I read the email you have sent this lady with horror.  I did think you were perhaps a teenager but now you have posted you are both in your forties.

To post a picture of her, ok, it's not a full face of her, but to do this without her consent is really not on.  Now you say in your mind she's gone from being "wonder woman" to a "slut".  How dare you call any woman a slut just because your feelings aren't reciprocated and she's not interested in you.  I'm not surprised she's been as you call it "flirting" with another guy in the office, that's a sure sign to tell you to back off.

As for telling her you've been told you are good bed - oh please, how many times have us women heard that one.  As for trying to buy her with free holidays, any relationship worth having can't be bought.  How insulting for her.

You did ask for comments and I'm sorry if the truth hurts but please move on and leave this poor woman alone.  There is a difference between infatuation and true love.

Hi all.  I've just caught up with this thread and was about to write a reply regarding Regnum's email when I read the above.  

Margie basically sums up what i was going to say.  I'm so very sorry Regnum, it must be hell to feel the way you do and have nothing to show for it, but if I received an email like that I would have felt extremely uncomfortable indeed. 

Therefore I think her reply was extremely dignified and mature.  I certainly don't think she deserves to be thought of by you as a slut just so you can get over her. 😞
Decent women will never be won over by a guy who says he's loaded and good in bed...Sorry.
I wish you all the best and hope you meet the right one someday

[rose2008-2008]

Regnum although i did smile at the thing i said above, some of what you said was not really on. Slut is not a nice thing to be called for anyone but i do understand a bit of how you must feel :-(.

You can try to move on hun i think its best in this circumstance?. 😞