My next-door-neighbour died a couple of days ago. We weren't what I would call friends, but he had lived there for over 20 years and we chatted occasionally and helped each other with a bit of DIY or garden maintenance every now and again, especially since he had bowel cancer five years ago. I realised that we hadn't seen him for a month or more, so, when I bumped into his daughter yesterday, I asked after him and was shocked to be told that the cancer had returned and he had been in hospital for two weeks then a hospice for two weeks before dying. I expressed my sorrow, asked if her mother was OK, was there anything I could do to help, and enquired about the funeral arrangements as I would like to show my last respects.
No sooner had I got back home a few minutes later than the telephone rang, with the daughter saying it was nothing to do with us, their family was sorting everything out and that we should keep out of their family affairs.
I recognise that people can behave oddly through grief, and perhaps she regretted having been so open about his illness - although he had told me about it, in some detail, five years ago - but it all seemed very rude and I didn't know what to say.
The complication is that they are East African Indians, of the Hindu faith; they celebrate Diwali, but didn't seem particularly devout. I realise that I know nothing about their customs, including funerals. Had they already had a rapid cremation, as in India? They have been in Britain for 30-40 years - all three children were born here - and all the family wear 'British' clothes and speak English at home.
I obviously put my foot in it, without meaning to. I think I did what I would have done with anyone I knew. They and we were good neighbours and I don't want to fall out with them.
What should I have done? And what next?
Hmm,tricky one Sir Arthur i did the same thing last week
ooh dear i think i got it Sir Arthur
