Funeral - Your Thoughts Much Appreciated

[fishpieface]

We have been organising the funeral for an elderly relative for whom we

are executors and next of kin.

We went to Lymington yesterday to register her death and speak to the

funeral director.

Firstly, it sounds weird, but what a lovely day we had.  The registrar was

absolutely lovely, a lady who took time and really cared.  The funeral director,

a lady who oranises everything herself, lives on the premises with her

family, just sub-contracting for hearses.  What a really lovely person, honestly,

I said we should move down there in our old age just so she can direct our

funerals!  It's the first time we've done it from scratch and she was lovely,

caring, down to earth, human, so, so nice.

We then had lunch with one of our relative's friends, went to collect her

belongings from the nursing home where she lived and had a walk on

the beach for half an hour (or in my case a swim in the sea) which was

lovely.  Then back to the funeral lady to finish what we hadn't had time for

earlier and home, via a Harvester for some dinner.

Numerous little things to do, none of them difficult but they take time.  However,

the lovely people we met through having to do all these things made it so

much easier.

[fishpieface]

Oh yes, the thoughts I'd appreciate, I forgot to say what they are!

Clothes - Hubby has a bit of an issue with the purchasing of a new suit which

I and various people are nagging him to get.  He's the main man, if you like,

we've organised it and he'll be greeting and thanking guests and participating

in the service.

We know black isn't compulsory these days so it wouldn't have to be black,

but his argument is that he won't wear it again (which is probably true, at least

more-or-less true - he doesn't wear a suit for work or for anything really).

The funeral is to be more of a celebration of her life than doom and gloom, though

it's fair to say it is sad that she isn't here anymore and she was quite traditional

in her wishes. 

Do you think he should have a suit or will black trousers, grey jacket and shirt & tie

be ok (he's got all that already)?  Would you wear black or any colour?  Our relative

was days away from her 99th birthday and I've never seen her in black, usually

soft colours like beige/pink/peach/green etc.

Sorry for all these questions, I'll go away now!

[right-then-petal]

sorry for your loss

maybe O H could hire a suit,you can do it these days

[ed_blackadder_1]

Fishy, sorry for your loss, I dread the day when I have to organise a funeral, I have only ever been to funerals and it has always seemed quite daunting to do.

Personaly the funerals I have been too, no one really wore black, the men usually wore grey or navy trousers, sombre colour shirt and a black tie and whatever jacket they had, both my husband and father have a navy blazer type jacket, with a black tie they keep in the drawer just in case as they have both been asked to be bearers in the past.  Most women have a dark coloured coat in the wardrobe.

My parents have organised 4 funerals in the past and been principle mourners, meeting and greeting and as far as I can remember they never wore full black, just a black coat or jacket and in dads case black tie.  Years ago I do remember attending a funeral where all the men wore normal clothes and a black armband.

At 99 years old that was a wonderful life and if she never wore black I am sure she wouldn't have wanted full black at her funeral, unless of course she was a traditionalist.

My grandmother who was 96 when she passed away, specified she didn't want anyone to wear black suits, just to wear what they felt comfortable in. Being a thrifty person she would have been horrified if she knew everyone had bought new clothes.

There is always somebody who would think it bad form not wearing full black,  however nowadays I think as you said it is more a celebration of their lives than a funeral.

May the day run smoothly and your relative get the good send off she deserves.

[harrydog10]

I always think it looks nice to see the family smartly dressed and men in suits, I too had similar situation, a family member didn't want to buy a suit for exactly the same reasons.  However, after visiting our local Mat ..an store, he purchased a lovely smart dark grey suit at a really cheap price. I was amazed at how cheap it was.  He thought he would never wear it again, but lo and behold he has since worn it to 2 weddings and an anniversary celebration. So imho he got his money's worth.  In fact  he said he has since worn the trousers with just a shirt for a more smart but casual look. Mat..an also have a range of ties that are not expensive, so maye he could add a bit of colour with the tie.  Sorry for your loss. 

[harrydog10]

OOPS I meant Maybe...not maye. **bleep** I am LOL

[stroppy*cow]

I would say that there is no need for a suit to be purchased if your husband does not want to - provided that he is dressed smartly in fairly dull colours that is all that is needed.

It is more important that both you and your husband feel comfortable in whatever you wear.

At my father's funeral no-one was dressed in black and no-one was offended.

[chickengrandma-2008]

I think the trousers and black tie sounds fine.  I don't think people do it like they used to, apart from some big Catholic affairs or the ones who have a carriage and black horses.  Each to their own I suppose, but the people I know just have 'ordinary' funerals.

[ilove2patch]

I would say it matters not a jot what he wears as long as he looks smart. As you say it will be a celebration of her life not a mourning of her demise. 

As an aside I have put in my will that I don't want a funeral. In my experience they are the one thing nobody wants to go to so They can have a get together to chuck my ashes in the sea & plant something if they want but no funeral thanks.

[myraandjim]

I think that as long as you are clean and tidy then just about any clothing is ok. The other mourners are there to remember your relative, not to look at what others are wearing, and it's what is in your heart and memory that counts, not what is covering your body.

A good funeral director can make such a difference at a very difficult time, how fortunate that you have found one that is actually caring, a fairly rare find these days. It's always sad to lose a loved one, but what a wonderfully long life she had - you must have loads of great memories of her.

[harrydog10]

Actually, I agree really about it doesn't matter what you wear nowadays, its the fact you are there paying your respects which is more important.  But I suppose its just the way you were bought up as to what you do.  For me we were always made to wear Black and I guess it stuck with me.  I can remember my Grandmother and Mother  closing the living room curtains if there were a hearse in the street.  My Grandad would stop in the street bow and tip his hat when seeing a hearse.  But they  were from a strong Irish Catholic family, they were taught to do those things. Can't really imagine those sort of traditions happening today. 

[mustard-tree]

I think it best for people to wear what they feel comfortable in.

As long as he looks smart, I dont think it matters.

My cousin passed a few years ago. Before passing, she was in a hospice and knew she didnt have long.

She made it plain that she wanted everyone to wear bright coloured clothes.

Her daughter wore pink trousers and a bright yellow top.

Of course, one or two turned up all in black, but stuck out like sore thumbs.

One person even said they were disgusted and that it was disrespectful.

Surely it would have been disrespectful to ignore my cousins wishes.

[lhasa.two]

Condolences for your loss fishy and pleased you had a good experience with the funeral directors. They are usually very nice helpful people and understand the difficulties that sometimes happen with grieving relatives.

I think your OH could get away with using what he already has... BUT he should really wear a black tie with a white shirt , as a concession to mourning attire especially as he's the representative of your relative. Otherwise the Matalan suggestion for an inexpensive suit could also work, again with white shirt and black tie.

[saasher2012]

I also think that nowadays , as long as you are dressed in dark colours that is all that matters , it is supposed to be what you feel inside not a fashion show.

[rose2008-2008]

Sorry for your loss Fishy,,,,will be thinking of you.

[fishpieface]

Well thank you all once again for coming up trumps with usefull suggestions and advice,

and of course for your kind words.

Well, I've been out and about and I have found a really lovely suit in a charity shop!  The

lady said it belonged to her son who wore it twice and it was only £9.00.  Amazingly, the

trousers and jacket were different sizes but the right sizes for Hubby so I bought it.  Even

more amazingly, if he doesn't like it or it doesn't fit, they will take it back!  It's from M&S so

easy to know his size as he's had stuff from there before.  I think that was meant to be

and he won't mind wearing it if it was cheap and helps a charity!  I've bought him a new

shirt as he didn't have a white one and somewhere we have a black tie, so that's him sorted!

I've got myself a lovely black jacket (also from charity shop!) which I will wear with my

black trousers and a mauvey/grey top.  So that's me sorted.

Son is also sorted with

[bitsnknots]

Sorry for your loss Fishy.  I agree with what others have said about what your husband should wear.  If he would feel more comfortable wearing dark trousers with a white shirt and black tie.  I don't really think that there is any need for a black suit especially as it probably wouldn't be worn again.

When my Godparents son died a few years, one of his final wishes was that everyone wore blue and white as he was an avid Everton supporter.  His coffin was white with the Everton crest on it.  He was cremated and his ashes are buried in the grounds of our crematorium and his headstone is in the shape of the Everton crest.

[wickedywitchwitch]

Very sorry for your loss Fishy.

We dealt with some lovely people when we organised first Dad's and then Mother's funerals.

All were professional and sympathetic but genuinely friendly and caring.
We spent a lot of the time in fits of giggles - sorry if anyone thinks that sounds disrespectful. I could just imagine what Dad's comments would have been if he was there listening to everything we were discussing, especially when I was asked if Dad had anything in/on him that might explode in the furnace...

When I organised Dad's funeral I made a point of telling everyone black wasn't compulsory but to wear whatever clothes they felt most comfortable in.

For me the day was about people being there to celebrate Dad's life, give him a decent send off, and to have a bit of a laugh as we wandered down memory lane afterwards.

My sister wore a purple dress that Dad liked her in and I wore black trousers & top (normal colours for me!) with a green jacket.

We do have some 'old school' relatives who would probably burst into flames if they were forced to wear bright colours to a funeral but we wanted people to know that the choice was entirely theirs.

Some of the older menfolk still wore black or dark suits but others were more casual.

The days when virtually every man owned a dark suit are long gone and even 'smart casual' is pretty casual these days, but to be honest I'd rather someone turned up in jeans and tee-shirt than not come at all because they didn't have 'appropriate' clothes.

I hope the day goes well, Fishy.  

Love and Light.

Wickedy x

[ginap.123]

Sorry to hear this fishy, but guess what.........all registrars are lovely ☺

[bitsnknots]

Of course the are Gina.