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JOKES

LETS START 2014 OF ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.jpgWITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

......................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................Im a 76 year old Nutcase.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL. .. I'm a committed atheist.
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Re: JOKES

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that went to the toilet in your trombone is here!”
Message 1661 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausages, why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords cycle shop."
Message 1662 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

JUST A NICE STORY...….A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree..

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.
Message 1663 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
Message 1664 of 2,038
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Giggling In Class

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the

punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three

weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she

turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This

time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the

classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well

teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Message 1665 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

Tommy went in to the card shop and asked the assistant "Do you sell Bereavement Cards?"

 

"Yes, of course" she replied "they're over here."

 

"Oh good" said Tommy "can I swap this Get Well card I bought here yesterday for a Bereavement Card?"

 



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

Message 1666 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

.Murphy is down in the pub having a pint when Casey walks in. " I will give it into your me Boy, you are looking a lot better than you were last night." Said Casey. " Well to tell you the truth." Said Murphy. " I was feeling so low last night that I decided to commit suicide. I opened a packet of Paracetamol and started to take them. Bejasus you know that after the first two or three I started to feel a whole lot better. "

Message 1667 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

Robbers:

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed,… When the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police.
The 999 operator replied,… He would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called 999 again. He told The operator “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all,… Police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man,… “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied,… “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
Message 1668 of 2,038
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help, I’m a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’ll allow me” she told him. “Oh no I’ll be all right, I’ll be fine in a few minutes” the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
“Don’t be silly, Let me help!” she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.
She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked “How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Message 1669 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

Mick was driving down the M60 in his mini van when he saw another mini van broken down. So, Mick pulls over to offer any assistance that he can. In the other can was a troop of monkeys. The van drivers said to Mick; " My name is Kevin and you would be doing me a great favour, and I will pay you €100 if you will take these monkeys to Dublin Zoo for me; " Mick says; " Sure that would be no bother at all. I would be glad to! " Later that evening, Kevin was coming up the M70 and he spied Mick driving along with a van load of monkeys. Kevin finally caught up with Mick and asked him; " What in under god are you doing? I gave you €100 and asked you to take these monkeys to the zoo! " Mick said; " I did take them to the zoo and we had a great time, I have a few Euros left and now we are off to the beach."
Message 1670 of 2,038
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mm

Message 1671 of 2,038
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Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones.

Jaysus man, ya frightened the life outa us , Paddy called as he caught his breath. You scared us half to death , we thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called.

My friends are such fools! the old man grumbled, they misspelt my name and here I am correcting it!
Message 1672 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet:

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well." Says the vet. "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says. "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."
Message 1673 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

I was in Tesco earlier when the cashier questioned why I was buying twenty boxes of Paracetamol.

"I... erm... I've got a headache." I lied.

"Sir, we can't sell more than one box, it's seen as a suicide risk, sorry sir."

"Fine then." I said, "I'll just take the nine-inch kitchen knife, ten-feet of rope, three bottles of bleach and the litre of white spirit"
Message 1674 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

A group of Irish lads are out in Spain on holidays. On one of their nights out they encountered a young man from Dublin. He was so drunk that he could hardly stand. The lads asked him his name and he said; " Phillip Maguire." The lads told him; " It's not safe being here on your own. We are going to look after you! " So for the rest of the holiday the lads looked after Phillip. He was filled with booze day in and day out. Philip tried to explain something to them but the lads just said; " Dont you worry pal, you are in good hands! We are going to look after and make sure that you have a great holiday. " When the holiday was over the lads took Phillip back with them. " Which part of Dublin are you from? " They asked him. " Ballyfermot! "He muttered. So they headed to Ballyfermot and went to the address that Phillip had given them. When they arrived one of the lads went to check it it was the correct address. He went up to the door and rang the bell. A woman answered; " Hello, can I help you? " " Yes! " The lads answered; " I was wondering is this the home of Philip Maguire?" " Why yes it is. But he's not here. He is over in Spain on his honeymoon! "
Message 1675 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before,
so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife.
She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible.
I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got 'one' a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour!
What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.
Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper."
Message 1676 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to **bleep**".......
Message 1677 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

A handyman, new to the area takes a job painting and decorating. He was met by the lady who employed him to work at her house. She said; " Now listen I have to go out on an important errant and should be back before you have finished. I have filled the kettle so make yourself a coffee. So the handyman happily set about his work. Later, he switched on the kettle and went back to work. He was working around an awkward corner and when he had it finished, he walked into the kitchen. Only to be met with a cloud of hot steam. The thermal switch had failed and the kettle boiled dry. Panic set in. He ran over and opened the windows and doors. He grabbed a few towels and dried the walls as best he could. Suddenly, he spied the budgie cage with the budgie lying dead inside. He got a silicone gun and stuck the budgie's feet to the perch. He rushed back to his work trying to finish it and get out. Just as he was putting the gear in the van the woman returned." Oh, your finished. Did you have time for a coffee? " "Don't worry about the coffee! " He said; " I have another job to go to! " She said; " Nonsense! I will put the kettle on now, " She went into the kitchen and let out a terrible scream. " Oh my god!! The budgie, the dammed budgie." Hoping to look innocent he said; " The budgie? What about the budgie? " She siad; " When I left the house this morning. that dammed bird was lying dead in its cage. Now look at it. It's sitting up on the perch.."
Message 1678 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

Irish Saw mill Accident....

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".
Message 1679 of 2,038
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Re: JOKES

I went to the horse racing for the first time ever I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at the weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said, "Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"

The man said, "No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race."

I said, "That sounds perfect for me! Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?"

"No," he replied.

"Oh," I said, "And why's that?"

"This is a hot dog stand you fool ."
Message 1680 of 2,038
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