JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[aand2136-voqfz8yx]

There was a cricketer who was able to bat either left or right handed. There seemed to be no logic as to which hand he would bat with on any particular day. Was it the wind, the bowler, the position of the sun? No one knew, so one day I asked him and he said it was his wife!

What do you mean your wife?

He replied it depends which side my wife was lying when she wakes up in the morning. If she is lying on her right side, I'd bat right handed and if she was lying on her left side, I'd bat left handed.

Strange I thought, but then added, what happens if she wakes up lying on her back?

He smiled and said, then I'd phone up and tell them I'd be an hour late!

[cee-dee]

Tommy had a new job as a taxi driver.

A passenger tapped him on the shoulder to ask him something. Tommy screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the pavement, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then Tommy said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

Tommy replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

[andreaneilcmc]

A Scottish man goes into a bar in London and asks for a triple Whisky. The barman pours it and gives it to the man. As soon as the man gets it, he downs it straight away and asks for another triple Whisky.

The barman asks the gent what is wrong as he hands him the next triple Whisky. The Scotsman says to the barman, "If you had what I've got, you would be drinking like this as well".

The Scotsman downed the triple again and asked for another. The barman poured the triple and as he was giving it to him, he showed concern and asked, "What is it that you have got?"

The Scotsman replied, " A Scottish £50 note"

[john.b74]

Have You Ever Heard The Term ‘**bleep** Poor?’ I Had No Idea It Comes From THIS! Fascinating! We can learn a lot about ourselves by looking to the past. History not only provides us with a nostalgic glimpse at how things used to be — like with these classic childhood toys — but its lessons can still teach us things today.Many of us fondly refer to “the good old days” when times were purer and life was simpler. They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. Once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive, you were “**bleep** poor.” But worse than that were the really poor folks who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot. They “didn’t have a pot to **bleep** in” and were considered the lowest of the low. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!” Houses had thatched roofs with thick straw-piled high and no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.” There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the term, “dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence, “a thresh hold.” In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.” Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests, and would all sit around and “chew the fat.” Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.” Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.” In old, small villages, local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell. Thus, someone could be “saved by the bell,” or was considered a “dead ringer.” Now, whoever said history was boring?

[john.b74]

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” -“Oh, just forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.” -“Yes, I know. And it’s lucky you have!” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!”

[littleme61_6]

So many laughs reading all of these jokes. Great smiling medicine they are for sure. 

A true happening here...

Finally my new fitted bedroom was completed. Really nice how it all turned out, better than I had even imagined it would look. 

In the morning I woke up, sat up, then..... I nearly had heart failure as there a burglar stood at the end of my bed.  A scary looking one at that........BUT, then it dawned on me I was actually looking at myself in the new mirror that was fitted between the facing cupboards.   

Had a burglar really come in I reckon one look at me, he would have ran away to save his life. Seeing me with curlers in my hair, face-mask on....... Well, Okay I don't wear all that, but my hair favoured a style of a Punk.  

[john.b74]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[john.b74]

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it.

[john.b74]

.

A ranch had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.

[john.b74]

.

Laptop and i Pad Cleaner.. Can be used on Phones too.

http://bit.ly/19d8ABV

[john.b74]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[john.b74]

..

Essex Hurricane Appeal

A major hurricane (Hurricane ‘Shazza’) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa... Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Jade-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

[john.b74]

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's **bleep** and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

[john.b74]

.A left wing politician, a BBC TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying, The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV, The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the **bleep**. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists.
The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, because said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair saying it was an unprovoked attack!

[john.b74]

..

Irish Burial at Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus , who had been a sailor all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips
over the
side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'This'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No this'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye yes it 'tis, NOW hand me that bloody shovel.

[john.b74]

.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhg7Xm4FXAY  Dogs Party

[john.b74]

.I know this is a joke page, but I am asking everyone to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!!
I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!

[john.b74]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, -“I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!” After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, -“Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?”

[john.b74]

A Scottish man goes into a bar in London and asks for a triple Whisky. The barman pours it and gives it to the man. As soon as the man gets it, he downs it straight away and asks for another triple Whisky.

The barman asks the gent what is wrong as he hands him the next triple Whisky. The Scotsman says to the barman, "If you had what I've got, you would be drinking like this as well".

The Scotsman downed the triple again and asked for another. The barman poured the triple and as he was giving it to him, he showed concern and asked, "What is it that you have got?"

The Scotsman replied, " A Scottish £50 note"

[john.b74]

..

An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces,

-“My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says,

-“Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”