JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor’s window with a baseball. “What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father. “Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?” “Without, of course.” “Well, then, he said nothing.”

[tommy.irene]

Talking to my mate Fred in a bar last night He said “My mother-in-law died yesterday. She sat in the chair, put her feet up, laid back, closed her eyes, and that was it.” “That’s the best way to go.” I replied “Yeah, it is.” said Fred. “But the dentist Fainted..

[tommy.irene]

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.” “Yes sir, I understand.” “Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

[tommy.irene]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ... Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him, he isn't your father."

[tommy.irene]

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire! The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back. “Don’t worry”! He yelled. I’m going for help!

[tommy.irene]

The preacher said, "Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for him and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week

[lightblueberet]

Convict to new Convict...

" What did your mum say when you were thrown in jail ? "

"Welcome ! "

[tommy.irene]

Two dogs were talking through a garden fence . one was a French Bulldog . one was a Jack Russell . The Jack Russell said ' they never ever take me out just leave me in the yard.' The French Bulldog said 'Oh that isn't good but I'll tell you what to do. **bleep** on the kitchen floor . That's what I did. they will take you out then ! ' The Jack Russell said 'OK I'll try that . ' The following day the two dogs were talking . The French bulldog said to the jack Russell 'Well ? did you try it ?' The Jack Russell said 'Yes I did . And my owner kicked me in the face !' The French bulldog said 'Oh ! Well you'd better do it again .' The Jack Russell said '.......... And end up with a a face like YOURS?'

[tommy.irene]

A drunk was walking down the sidewalk with a limp. A man coming in the opposite direction notice that he only had one shoe on. The man said to the drunk, "hey buddy, what's the matter, lose a shoe"? The drunk replied, "Nah, found one".

[tommy.irene]

909 Snipe....

[tommy.irene]

A recently deceased Man is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

[tommy.irene]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago

[tommy.irene]

A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive. There’s no water in that pool.” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim.”

[tommy.irene]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

[tommy.irene]

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[tommy.irene]

A blonde Essex girl and her Boyfriend were on holiday in the USA , when her Boyfriend was bitten by a snake . naturally the girl dialled 911 and asked for the Paramedics . The dispatcher was asking her questions . 'Keep calm Ma'am .' The dispatcher said . 'Was the snake an adult snake ?' The Essex girl said 'Oh it was a baby one I think .' The dispatcher said 'Are yo sure it was a baby one Ma'am ? ' The blonde Essex girl said ' I am sure it was a baby one . 'cos it had a RATTLE!'

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you." As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water." "All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

[tommy.irene]

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up from the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!" The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?" "Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!" "Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true." So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?" The Newfie says "What For?" The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters." The Newfie says, "What Lobsters?"

[tommy.irene]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"