JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[irene.tommy]

TOMMY is on holiday and im in charge of the Joke page.                                       

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly ......... On a broomstick..... We are flexible like that.

[irene.tommy]

A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky. The bartender says " Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11"

[irene.tommy]

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.

[irene.tommy]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

[irene.tommy]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking inspector’s funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork!

[right-then-petal]

[irene.tommy]

One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?' The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..' The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'

[tommy.irene]

A guy dies and goes to hell, and meets Satan. Satan says to the man; "Nowadays, people entering hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside, and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity." The man agrees and Satan takes him down a long, dark hallway. Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a hard-wood floor. The man says; This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please." Satan then walks the man down to the second door. The man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. The man says; "This is even worse. Please show me another room." Satan nods and takes him to the third door, and the man looks inside; he sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid tar, all drinking coffee. The man says; "This is the place for me." Satan then asks; "Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back..." The man says; "I'm positive. I do love coffee." The man steps in, and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says; "Coffee break is over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!!

[tommy.irene]

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

[tommy.irene]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

[tommy.irene]

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?" The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey." The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again. "Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

[tommy.irene]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result. He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail......for driving WITHOUT A SEAT BELT. ............................................... An overweight blonde woman went to see her doctor one day, so that she could get some advice about going on a diet. "Okay," said the doctor, "I recommend that you eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks and the next time that you see me you should have lost t least 5 pounds." Two weeks later the blonde see's her doctor again. She gets on the scales and the doctor is happy to see that she has lost nearly 30 pounds. "So you followed my instructions then?" asked the doctor. "Yes," the blonde nodded,"but I can tell you I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day!" "From the hunger you mean?" asked the doctor, confused. "No," replied the blonde, "From skipping all day!" ......................................... There were four University students taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written... For 95 points: Which tire? ...........

[tommy.irene]

Paddy was at the timber yard and accidentally shears off all of his fingers. He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do." Paddy replies, "I haven"t got the fingers." The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery, I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?" Paddy replies, "I couldn"t pick them up!"

[tommy.irene]

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said. "Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." "My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

[tommy.irene]

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat? "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral.

[tommy.irene]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

[tommy.irene]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?" The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......."

[tommy.irene]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare,until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks,Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the pint of amber nectar. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus. The Liverpudlian shouts back, "No way am i losing my disability benefit!"

[tommy.irene]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger.