JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …

[tommy.irene]

A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, “hello I’m a reporter for the BBC and we know you’re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.” The man agrees and she asks, “so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?” The man replies, “I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world.” The news reporter says, “Wow that’s truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?” The man replies, “I feel like I’ve been talking to a  brick wall.”

[tommy.irene]

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company. Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[tommy.irene]

Two cowboys were out west one day when up ahead they saw an indian, bent over, ear to the gorund. The one cowboy excitedly said to the other," Hey, do you know what that there injin's a doin??" The other said he had no idea. "He's a puttin his ear to the ground so he can a hear all that be goin on in the surrounding area." So eventually they approached the indian, and as they did he looked up at them and croaked:" Four oxen and a wagon. There's a family on board. Husband, mother, two children. And they're trailing two horses behind." The one cowboy said to the other,"See! What did I tell you!" And then looking down to the indian he said,"And you can do all that just by putting your ear to the ground and listening to EVERYTHING going on in the surrounding area??" A mask of pain on the indians face as he looked up and croaked at them again,"Nah. They rode over me about a half hour ago."

[tommy.irene]

A magician managed to secure himself a very lucrative contract to work on a luxury cruise ship. He could not believe his luck. He had worked hard since he was a boy to attain to become the "best" magician in the world, and this was his lucky break. The magician was indeed, excellent and put on stunning performances which were greatly appreciated by his "captive" audiences, with the exception of one, a parrot! After every trick or illusion he performed, the parrot would exclaim, "it's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve." The magician consolled himself by coming up with various ways in which he would, given the opportunity rid himself of his irritating heckler. One evening, during his performance, there was an massive explosion on board and within 5 minutes the ship had sunk. He fought to stay afloat in the water as he was not a good swimmer. However he eventually managed to pull his weary body up onto a piece of wreckage. He discovered to his dismay, that he and the parrot who was already on the wreckage, were the only surivors. He stared at the parrot with venom running through his viens, feeling he had been his "Jonah". He glared at the parrot, the parrot stared back. For 3 days their gaze was uninterupted, until finally the parrot said: "Alright, I give up, where'd you put the ship?"

[tommy.irene]

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[tommy.irene]

She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me." She said "I'm very frightened, I've not had this before. My friend has had it five times And said it can be sore." It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must have been a size. "Calm yourself" he whispered "His face filled with a grin "Try and open wider So I can get it in." "It's coming now" he whispered "I know" she cried in bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "I am glad I'm having this." And with a final effort She gave a frightened shout He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out. She lay back quite contended Sighed and gave a smile She said "I'm glad I came now You made it worth my while." Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind!!..

[tommy.irene]

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. I say there is..... Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’ Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’

[tommy.irene]

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

[tommy.irene]

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information. "We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven," Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

[tommy.irene]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. ---------------------------------------- A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies,'Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

[tommy.irene]

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's purse so the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her shouting "Give it to me!

[tommy.irene]

Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.

[tommy.irene]

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

[tommy.irene]

 Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)... SICKNESS We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately. PREGNANCY In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death. This new benefit program started yesterday. The Management ..

[tommy.irene]

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[tommy.irene]

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

[tommy.irene]

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.” Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men!

[tommy.irene]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said. "Wow," said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

[tommy.irene]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"