JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A crying, three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[tommy.irene]

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: 'Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

[tommy.irene]

An **bleep** decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the **bleep**. "I think I am planting them too deep."

[tommy.irene]

Job Application:

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. 
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' 
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. 

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. 

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired. 

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do i '

[tommy.irene]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[tommy.irene]

One day this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?" 
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table. 
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, "Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
She asks, "Oh, how come?"

He says, "Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box."

[tommy.irene]

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.
First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"
The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

[tommy.irene]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.  

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.  

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" 

[tommy.irene]

Dear Johnny: 

I’m writing this letter real slow ‘cause I know you can’t read that fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family that lived there took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place has an indoor porcelain washing machine. I haven’t figured out how to use it yet. The first day, I put four shirts in it, pushed the handle down, and haven’t seen them since, although it did refill with water.

The weather’s been nice. It only rained twice this week: three days the first time and four days the second time. 

The coat you wanted me to send you, you’ll have to sew the buttons back on. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. 

Your father has an important new job. He now has over 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. 

Your sister had her baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. 

The neighbor’s wife had twins and he is out with a shotgun looking for the other man.

Your Uncle Jim fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drowned with a smile on his face. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. 

Grampa went to the doctor. He wasn’t feeling too well. The doctor told him, “take one of these pills a day for the rest of your life.” Grampa is quite upset ‘cause the doctor only gave him thirty pills. By the way, we got a bill from the funeral home. They said if we didn’t make the last payment on grandma’s funeral, up she comes. 

Your brother is turning into a neighborhood bully. He can beat up all the kids around except for the Murphy family; they have boys. 

Two of your high school friends died the other day. They went off the Cedar Narrows bridge in a pickup truck. Paul was driving; Randy and Scott were in the back. Paul got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Well, that’s all the news for now.

Love, Mom

PS. I was going to send you a check for $10, but I had already sealed the envelope.

[tommy.irene]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly 
jumped into the deep end. 

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. 

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[tommy.irene]

 A man went to the doctor and said 
Doctor I have a problem, but if you are going to treat it you must promise not to laugh.
Of course I won`t laugh, the doctor said, I`m a professional, in over 20 years I`ve never laughed at a patient.
O.K. then,the man said, and proceded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest **bleep** the doctor has ever seen, 
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet,and regain his composure.
I`m so sorry, he said, I dont know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won`t happen again,
O.K., the man says,
Now the doctor says, getting down to business, What seems to be the problem ?
Well, the guy says, ...its swollen...

[tommy.irene]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

"Let people know where you're going" my driving examiner said as we approached a roundabout.
"OK" I replied, as I quickly updated my Facebook status.

 .

[tommy.irene]

Let people know where you're going" my driving examiner said as we approached a roundabout.
"OK" I replied, as I quickly updated my Facebook status.

 I used insert code to post this joke as i have no copy and paste on ebay..

[cee-dee]

Copy & paste works OK?

The District Judge had given Tommy a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time he'd been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten Euros costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as Tommy turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said Tommy.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your pub!"

[tommy.irene]

The District Judge had given Tommy a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time he'd been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten Euros costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as Tommy turned to go.
 
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said Tommy.
 
"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your pub!"

 No it dosent..i have to use the 6th one across the top..called insert code.. I still dont get copy and paste..

[tommy.irene]

I get copy and paste on Quick reply ok.. The District Judge had given Tommy a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time he'd been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten Euros costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as Tommy turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said Tommy.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your pub!"

[tommy.irene]

The District Judge had given Tommy a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time he'd been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten Euros costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as Tommy turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said Tommy. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your pub!"..... It works on HTML ok..

[cee-dee]

I don't want to spoil your joke thread but what are you using and how are you trying to C & P?

I'm using a desktop computer with a mouse & keyboard, OS is Windows 7, browser is Pale Moon.

As with other Windows systems (if coupled with Firefox or IE), to C & P you can do that a couple of ways.

1/ Simplest with a mouse is to place your cursor at the beginning of what your want to copy, hold down the left mouse button and drag the cursor over what you want to copy, then let go of the mouse button. The part to be copied should be highlighted (in Blue). To copy it, click the RIGHT mouse button then from the displayed menu left click "Copy". Go to where you want to paste, place your cursor in your chosen spot, click the RIGHT mouse button and from the displayed menu, left click "Paste".

2/ Using the arrow keys, move your cursor to the beginning of where you want to copy, hold down "Shift", use the right arrow key to move along the part to be copied, let go of the "Shift" key, what you want to copy should be highlighted (in Blue). Hold down the Ctrl key and press "C" once. Go to where you want to paste, use the arrow keys to get yor cursor to where you want to paste, hold down Ctrl and press "V" once.

If you're using a Mac, some sort of tablet or a phone, I have No Eye Deer.