JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays.

[merehazle]

[tommy.irene]

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." 
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" 
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 
"You mean a rose?" 
"Yes, that's it!" 
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" 

[merehazle]

         Good news for Tommy:

These are my three aunties Tommy.   And they admire You.  God knows why? (wink).  But, as you can see they view your jokes together.  Oh, let us know if you would like to meet them?  Well I doubt if you have your own teeth now? 

[rose2008-2008]

Hey omg they could be Hugh Hefners Girls Next door in about 50yrs time. Im sorry Hugh but i think you would be no longer around. ha Ha. LOL.

[tommy.irene]

---

@merehazle wrote:

         Good news for Tommy:

These are my three aunties Tommy.   And they admire You.  God knows why? (wink).  But, as you can see they view your jokes together.  Oh, let us know if you would like to meet them?  Well I doubt if you have your own teeth now? 

---

Merehazle ..I though this was a photo of you having a threesome..

[tommy.irene]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[m25jet]

What's the difference between a woman and a beer?

A beer always gives good head...

[tommy.irene]

Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

[merehazle]

---

@tommy.irene wrote:

---

@merehazle wrote:

         Good news for Tommy:

These are my three aunties Tommy.   And they admire You.  God knows why? (wink).  But, as you can see they view your jokes together.  Oh, let us know if you would like to meet them?  Well I doubt if you have your own teeth now? 

---

Merehazle ..I though this was a photo of you having a threesome..

---

Well there's gratitude for you?  The trouble with you Tommy is your fussy!!!   

And Rose #145 says: OMG  (why?)   Their my aunties Rose.  My loved ones.

(wink) 

[tommy.irene]

WHERE CAN I SHOP NOW?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I should complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

[tommy.irene]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning, the fat security guard started chasing me.

After running around the car park a few times, I finally came to a stop.

He grabbed me by my collar and breathlessly said, "Open your jacket."

So I unzipped it and said, "I've got nothing mate."

"Then why did you run?" he asked.

"Because I thought you could do with the exercise."

[tommy.irene]

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts, "Oi, driver! You're losing your load!" 
Driver replies, "clear off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!"
Driver again replies, "clear off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"
Driver then shouts, "Will you go away you thick Irish nut, I'm gritting!

[m25jet]

A salesman is driving through the countryside late at night one evening on his way back home from a business meeting when he starts to feel tired and begins to lose his concentration.  The road is extremely dark and he's finding it harder and harder to stay awake, but he perseveres anyway and keeps on going.  Eventually something goes wrong and he momentarily falls asleep at the wheel, waking up in the nick of time as an oncoming car blares its horn at him and brings him to his senses.  He yanks the wheel hard to the left, bringing the car back over to his own side of the road, and decides that he'd better find somewhere to pull over and rest for the night.  He drives on for a bit longer and sees an old farmhouse in the distance with a neon sign flickering in the darkness, and can just make out the word "Vacancies" as he draws closer.  He pulls into the car par, goes inside and asks the farmer who owns the place for a room.  "I'm sorry" says the farmer, "we don't have any more free rooms left."  And with that the salesman turns to leave.

Just as he's about to walk out of the door the salesman hears the farmer say "Wait...I've just thought of something.  We don't have any empty rooms available, but I could agree to let you sleep with my daughter - if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agrees, and shortly afterwards he's shown to his room.  He creeps inside, undresses quietly in the dark and slips into bed, where he can feel the farmer's daughter at his side.  Next morning he gets up, gets dressed and goes downstairs to pay the farmer for the room.

"It's usually £50.00 a night" says the farmer "but I'll let you have it for half-price, seeing as you had to share with my daughter."

"Your daughter was very cold last night" says the salesman as he hands over the money.

"Yes, I know" says the farmer.  "We're going to bury her today."

[tommy.irene]

This man comes through a door to the bar and slipped on a pile of **bleep**, he mumbles and brushes himself off. He orders a drink and sits down. A few minutes later a younger man walks through the door yelling and screaming, and he slips on the pile of **bleep**. He gets up and looks around, and then he sits down next to the older guy. The older man says, "I did that!" The younger man punches the old man and leaves.

[merehazle]

---

@m25jet wrote:

A salesman is driving through the countryside late at night one evening on his way back home from a business meeting when he starts to feel tired and begins to lose his concentration.  The road is extremely dark and he's finding it harder and harder to stay awake, but he perseveres anyway and keeps on going.  Eventually something goes wrong and he momentarily falls asleep at the wheel, waking up in the nick of time as an oncoming car blares its horn at him and brings him to his senses.  He yanks the wheel hard to the left, bringing the car back over to his own side of the road, and decides that he'd better find somewhere to pull over and rest for the night.  He drives on for a bit longer and sees an old farmhouse in the distance with a neon sign flickering in the darkness, and can just make out the word "Vacancies" as he draws closer.  He pulls into the car par, goes inside and asks the farmer who owns the place for a room.  "I'm sorry" says the farmer, "we don't have any more free rooms left."  And with that the salesman turns to leave.

Just as he's about to walk out of the door the salesman hears the farmer say "Wait...I've just thought of something.  We don't have any empty rooms available, but I could agree to let you sleep with my daughter - if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agrees, and shortly afterwards he's shown to his room.  He creeps inside, undresses quietly in the dark and slips into bed, where he can feel the farmer's daughter at his side.  Next morning he gets up, gets dressed and goes downstairs to pay the farmer for the room.

"It's usually £50.00 a night" says the farmer "but I'll let you have it for half-price, seeing as you had to share with my daughter."

"Your daughter was very cold last night" says the salesman as he hands over the money.

"Yes, I know" says the farmer.  "We're going to bury her today."

---

Oh, my God!!!  I know he was lost in America.  Are you sure it was the daughter, and not Norman Bates mother?

[tommy.irene]

Two young idiots were camping out in the forest one night. But the mosquitoes
Were so fierce that the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from getting bitten.
The one of the boys saw some lightning bugs. “We may as well give up,” he told his friend. “Now they are coming at us with flashlights

---

[tommy.irene]

One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. 
"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie. 
"I want one billion dollars," replies the man. 
"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get." 
"I know," replied the man.
The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content. 
"Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie. 
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."

[tommy.irene]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

--

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

--

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

[tommy.irene]

I was driving my lorry back to the UK from France when I was stopped by a customs officer.
"Are you carrying anything on board that you shouldn't be?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
"Right," he said, "So you don't have any cigarettes?"
"No," I replied again, as he opened the shutter.
"What about these?" he said, smiling at me.
"I'm not sure," I replied, staring at the 120 illegal immigrants in the back, "Do any of you have cigarettes?"