JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[merehazle]

Now then don't tell anyone but I, spotted Tommy, hiding his keys to his safe today    ........................

And it looks as if he could kick the 'bucket' easily.  Look closely at the ladder position, and he is actually leaning back.

Makes me go quite giddy just looking at it.

[tommy.irene]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 

'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy he replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no  way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[tommy.irene]

15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: 
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

And last but not least

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

[tommy.irene]

The Three Little Pigs  Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.  'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.  'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.  The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.  'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.  'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.  The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.  'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.  'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.  'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.  'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'  But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'  You're goanna LOVE me for this....  The third piggy says -  'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[tommy.irene]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us. 

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you

[tommy.irene]

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[tommy.irene]

ister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. 

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. 

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. 
HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait.... and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient! 

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. 
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street. 
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' 

[tommy.irene]

Lady: do you smoke?
Man: yes
Lady: how many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: how much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: and how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: so 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: correct
Lady: if in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: correct
Lady: do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a tep-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: do you smoke?
Lady: no
Man: where's your  Ferrari then?............

[tommy.irene]

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

[tommy.irene]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

[tommy.irene]

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.” Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. “Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German”

[tommy.irene]

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

[tommy.irene]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Council carpark and was going over to the shopping centre carpark next.

[tommy.irene]

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

[tommy.irene]

George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.' 
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. 
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. 
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.' 
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. 
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George. 
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.' 
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

[*.*..lola..*.*]

[tommy.irene]

 Here five tips for a woman looking to be married.

1. It's important that the man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It's important that the man makes you laugh.
3. It's important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important that the man loves you and spoils you.
5. It's important that these four men don't know each other."

[tommy.irene]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

The pharmacist fainted !

[tommy.irene]

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

[merehazle]

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

---

Yes, and he and his four brothers own the funeral service.  At least his four brothers went to the funeral :