JOKES

[tommy.irene]

LETS START 2014 OF WITH A NEW JOKE THREAD..

[tommy.irene]

---

@cee-dee wrote:

Only just noticed my typo, arrggghhhh.

---

Ha..Ha..

[tommy.irene]

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

[tommy.irene]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

[*.*..lola..*.*]

[tommy.irene]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn't moving at all! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, swimming pool? Is this 486-5732? The little girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

[tommy.irene]

A collage freshman invites his mother over for dinner. This night will be the first time she will meet her sons female roommate. When she arrives she is taken back by the girls beauty, and instantly decides that her son is sleeping with her. At dinner she asks her son if the two are in a romantic relationship. They both reassure her that it is a platonic relationship. The mother accepts the pairs words, they finish the evening and she goes home. Three days later the female roommate asks the son if his mother took home the platter the had used for dinner. He is sure she hadn't but said that he would ask her, so he sent her am email. "Mom, Im not saying you did take it, and I am not saying you didn't take it, but I am saying our platter has been missing since dinner the other night and I was wandering if you took it." A few days passed and he finally got a response. "Im not say you are sleeping with that girl and Im not saying you aren't sleeping with that girl, but I am saying that if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found it under her pillow by now." 

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.

10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[tommy.irene]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull**bleep**tin' me!" 

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it."

[tommy.irene]

I can't wait to retire

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Cahill,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children hoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12.) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[tommy.irene]

Last night ...
... as I was sitting in the living room with John and Paul, I said to them, 

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer

[tommy.irene]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[tommy.irene]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking Easyjet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"Easyjet?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Easyjet's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." 

"Oh, really! What'd he say?" 

He said: "Who the hell did your hair?"

[tommy.irene]

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a deadly illness and had been given 3 months to live. Her doctor told her to start making preparations to die so she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what she wanted to be wearing. The woman also told her pastor that she wanted to be buried with her favorite bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. There’s one more thing. She said excitedly. What’s that? came the pastor’s reply. This is very important. The woman continued. I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand. The pastor stood looking at the woman not knowing quite what to say. That shocks you doesn’t it? The woman asked. Well to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request said the pastor. The woman explained. In all my years of attending church socials and functions where food was involved; my favorite part was when whoever was clearing away the dishes of the main course would lean over and say ‘you can keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming. When they told me to keep my fork I knew that something great was about to be given to me. It wasn’t Jell-O or pudding. It was cake or pie. Something with substance. So I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: ‘Something better is coming so keep your fork too.’ The pastor’s eyes were welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that that woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She knew that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman’s casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over the pastor heard the question What’s with the fork? And over and over he smiled. During his message the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently that there is something better coming.

[tommy.irene]

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office 
to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a 
lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the 
car door, zooming off without stopping. 
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance 
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! 
My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel 
beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he 
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice 
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh ' he screams... Where's 
my Rolex????...'

[tommy.irene]

(Not a funny joke, but has a good meaning to it)

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His
father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every
time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the
back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his
anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually
dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his
temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper
at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested
that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he
was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the
young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the
nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the
fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at
the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like
this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It
won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the
wound is still there."

[tommy.irene]

My mate paddy told me he robbed a shop last night.
"what did you get?" I asked
"26 pictures, "he smiled, showing me. "the cheapest one is worth over £200,000."
I said, "your stupit, these are from an estate agents."

[*.*..lola..*.*]

#57 That's lovely, Tommy

Oh great, now I'm being accused of 'post flooding' - what the heck is that???  

[*.*..lola..*.*]

Ah now I get it