I cant get the postman to call.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."

[merehazle]

You!forgot to put a letter box and a number on your door, and a tree is growing from your house:

   

[tommy.irene]

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

[tommy.irene]

Does Santa really live in the north pole?.... He wears red and white, can get into locked houses, has loads of untraceable electrical goods, drives an unlicensed vehicle, only works one day a year.... North pole my head., he's a  scouser!!

[tommy.irene]

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

[merehazle]

 

MUM just wants to kiss you. DON'T ask me why........

I see you still have HOOTER trouble.     

[tommy.irene]

Reading his local paper one evening a man sees an advert asking for new members to join their debating forum. that sounds enjoyable he thinks and goes along to the next meeting. When he returns home his wife asks how the evening had been. "It was great" he said, " a member stood and gave a talk on a subject then afterwards we all debated it." Weeks went by and then one evening, after the debate the, the organiser asked him to do the next weeks subject. "What subject would you like to pick," he asked. "Sex" said the man. He went home excitedly and told his wife the news but when it came to the subject he was a little embarressed so he told her yachting. The week went by he spent hours on the computer studying all aspects of sex then went to his meeting. The next day his wife was out shopping and happened to meet another member of the debating forum. "Your Fred gave one of the best talks on a subject we have had, the debate was fabulous." Puzzled his wife replied, " I don't understand it he has only done it twice, once he was sick and the other time his hat blew off."

[tommy.irene]

Got a phone call from my mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free. 
I asked, ''Where did you get that?''
He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar square and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera. 
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, ‘WAVE!’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!'' 

[tommy.irene]

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".

[merehazle]

---

@merehazle wrote:

You!forgot to put a letter box and a number on your door, and a tree is growing from your house:

   

---

   I say don't we have fun, stacks of humour and laughs.   (the best thread ever )

Sorry, you do have a letter box up on the grey door. But how would a postman reach it? They don't carry ladders.

This bloke could reach it without a ladder he is 8 foot 3 inches tall. Then he's not a postman, so hard luck mate.

See you.

[tommy.irene]

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

[tommy.irene]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."

[tommy.irene]

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?
“How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan.
“Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

[tommy.irene]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing ashow in a small fishing town.With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair andstarts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way?What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically, all in the name of humour!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little man on your lap!"

[tommy.irene]

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."

[tommy.irene]

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' 

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father..'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.



Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all !'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?' 

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer  candle

[tommy.irene]

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.
The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."
So the duck left.
The following day the duck went back and asked again.
This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor."
The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?"
The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."

[tommy.irene]

Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.

[tommy.irene]

What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

[tommy.irene]

Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, "You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Cow Disease." The other cow says to him, "I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens."